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Questions and Answers . Consumption.... "I am happy i do not consume any indian content any more after my life has been wasted and destroyed with no life or career.

Q) Why is it that you have felt tormented since childhood?

Ans) Because i knew something was happening to me, facial twitches, my face turning strange and showing strange appearances but i couldn't make sense of it, i knew i was being forced to grow up in a control system and couldn't choose people i wanted to see or know. Because i was being severely mocked and humiliated by all the family members within the house since childhood who now seem ignorant to me about the various ways in which my childhood and life was being played with, especially through remote technology.


Q) What was affecting you?

Consuming Indian content and home. As early as i remember At home i was led towards the television so i remember consuming indian television as far back in childhood as i remember, i was led towards retro black and white and other 60s and 70s hindi film. I was directed since birth to become a consumer of India, through Indian tv and film. There was a lot of Indian noise in my childhood brain therefore and i was trying to deal with it. Then there was Indian advertising. There was a lot of sexual content in all of Indian advertising, they were hard selling contraceptives and condoms and aids and i made a note of all of it since very early like age 6 or 7. Indian film content obviously all of it was based on selling bad sexual content, its music and visuals loud enough marketed through all their media. I was being directed towards watching retro Indian content but i gave up watching indian television altogether even before the cable boom happened in India so my eyes never consumed any Indian cable content ever but the damage was already done. My life experiences individually made me realise that you become what you consume, it affects how you see and what you see, it affects the colours your eyes look out for and the visuals your eyes relate to, nobody teaches these things and till then the damage was done. 

Since I was strictly being forced to consume all of the school curriculum, never miss or skip a class or ever slip in my grades, i stopped consuming Indian television and tuned into radio instead for music. 

Besides, all through my school years I was being used for all kinds of on-stage activity. Obviously then I didn't know that all of my face, brain and possibly body was being used and played with through remote technology.

The family i was growing up in had their own frustrations and a lot of routine venting but there was exposure to art and english literature through my elder sisters and their lifestyles and of course film and television. But i used to follow the news and sensed there was some discomfort in the world, both within and outside. 


Q) After being part of the Indian audience in childhood what does the Indian viewership and consumption seem to you as a dedicated media student because they never let you be a career practitioner yet?

A) Obviously i don't consume any Indian film and tv content any more so i am not party to their ongoing party and celebration of India. But i do understand that India has celebrated all the media that finally found entry in India even if belated, The Indian audiences, largely rural are still driven by the advertisement driven Television  where all of Indian medias money is invested. but i feel Indians are still trying to deal with their Appearances and the 200 years of colonial humiliation. They have been hardened by watching themselves and their faces on their Indian television and hearing themselves 'talk' into the television instead of their hot and humid drawing rooms. Their genitals have been hardened consuming their own Indian skin and Indian faces like never before and since they are a textbook example of 'amusing themselves till death', they do not realise what humour they sell anymore, their new found business of selling Laughter to their inner miseries and darkness is so desperate that they are never directed what to laugh at as long as they can exercise their throat in vocal laughter, so other than their own appearances their market laughs at things like child abuse, political manipulation, sexual exploitation and rape amongst other issues. I do not consume them.

Q) But when you were consuming Indian content what all did you consume?

Ans) During my school years, I consumed public broadcasting television in india, radio, advertising, hindi films, pakistani plays and dramas, a few american films. I was a full time consumer for the first 15 years of my life, after that i switched off the indian television and have never consumed any Indian cable tv content other than occasional news surfing.  During my college years, when i studied journalism  my consumption changed, i was consuming print news full time and by now the internet was available so a lot of my consumption moved towards the world wide web. During the college years studying journalism i got to consume world cinema as well which i had never consumed before which included French films and classic indian regional cinema. So,every other medium existed in my consumption other than television.
When the college sent me on an exchange programme to Melbourne I got to consume their broadcasting content that is their tv,radio media as well as the cinema they directed me towards which included american films too but by that time I wanted to read more books as i had been directed towards in my journalism study.
On returning to India to work and at the time spent at the Film and TV institute of India which includes the job i was enrolled in for a year through them I was a full time consumer of classic world cinema from all over the world inclusive of India of course, hindi films, contemporary world cinema and many more books were added to my consumption than ever before and i was also a consumer of documentaries. I was a full time consumer of the world wide web and did not consume any television or advertising.  So, i consciously changed my consumption pattern.

Q) Do you have any regret about not consuming indian television? 

Ans) No. My brain is relieved. It has no memory of what india sold on their television after their doordarshan because all of their commercial content is nothing but commercialised doordarshan. So I have no memory of filth indian advertising or tv tabloid marketing of film tv prostitutes ot yelling, screaming news anchors selling lies or their national entertainment of bad content tv serials! 

I am happy i do not consume any indian content any more after my life has been wasted and destroyed with no life or career. 


More questions and more answers here..... 

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - QUESTIONS NO ONE CARES TO ASK ME, ANSWERS NO ONE ELSE WILL GIVE

Why do i need to ask questions to my own self and throw answers back into some public space?

Because I have been used internally all of these 36-37 years in such a repressed way that it is necessary for my untapped spirit within to express all the experiences of external influences and throw that back into the public space so that even if a country like India never gave me the life or work to publicly share what i have been made to live through, bad experiences also need to be shared to save others from evil and conniving systems that try to destroy people who are inconvenient to them.

Because I have known since childhood that i was being played with in some way but not so that my life could be directed in any positive way to honour or hone my existence as a girl or bring out the best in me, instead to drive me to the worst within me. So i started keeping my journal since childhood to honour my own existence and i opted to study journalism in college, so i have a right to express my own self since i don't seek either any coverage by India or elsewhere and i don't seek any publicity of my existence through the Indian television businesses or elsewhere.

And of course since i have known already, that my existence in India has been more to be destroyed and dishonoured than to have been nurtured or channelised, questioning my own self and 'interviewing' my own self can create great humour for those internal systems in India or elsewhere who would still like to see me humiliated, internally or through their external systems, if that is what they seek.

Q) Is this the sort of existence you imagined for yourself at age 37?

A) In many ways, in the ignorance of my childhood I could not even imagine that we would be living in a world that is so closely connected and I did not even know that i would ever be allowed to apply myself according to my own thought and belief if i wanted to, so a lot of the conditioning i grew up with has given way to experiences i would have never imagined as a child.  But in doing that, some of the life experiences i imagined for my own self never happened.
I have grown up within a certain family and not anybody else's family, i have grown up with the conditioning given within it through those family members and not somebody else's. I have grown up only in Delhi, India and no other city or country. And i have been brought up not knowing too many details of how i was being internally used through technology.


Q) So by age 37, much of your vanity has been damaged,especially that of your face?

Actually, i have been experiencing 'face-play' since childhood and initially it used to really confuse me how my face used to start resembling other peoples faces, but by seeing some recognisable faces on my face, i sensed there was some external influence and yet i lived with it and kept changing the course of my life and kept picking up new experiences to communicate. In a way, i lost consciousness of my face very early and never shared that with anyone because nobody was there to ask me what i was living through or tell me what was going on.

But i didn't know my face would be targeted with such monstrous hate of whatever internal systems decided to play with it that instead of the freedom of breathing with the face that i was born with and which has been toyed with through face-play technology for more than 3 decades now.

Even after living through that, i didn't know that milk i would consume would be adulterated with bacterial chemicals repeatedly to leave my face and skin destroyed with 'spotting' and puss and cum, that an internal system using my face and brain would then place those bacterial 'spots' on my face at strategic places on the face, repeatedly, Especially when i aspired to begin a working career all through years in Delhi and later Bombay.

I didn't know that while agreeing to spend these few years back in Delhi since 2012 instead of any other city in any other country, more hate against my face would be added with adulterated chemicals through salt intake so that i should be further sexually humiliated and start displaying facial fuzz and facial hair so more than the face, my sexuality has been targeted through this Indian experience.

And that sexuality of being born a girl has been targeted strategically since childhood and unfortunately all through 37 years of my life, i have been made to suffer for that in some way or the other in India.

Because these Indian systems knew at my birth that the face i am born is of Pakistani Kashmiri origin because our family was displaced from Muzzafarabad and brought to India and that my face will  resemble the faces of Kashmir,Pakistan or other regions instead of Indian states. So they started using face-play technology on my face to INDIANISE my face by force...and leaving me in constant misery and confusion since childhood.

So, Instead of the face i was born with at birth, I have been 'given' a face that has been played with through face-play technology since childhood and a face that has been poisoned with adulterated chemicals to show puss,cum,cuts,pits,scars,facial fuzz and other hateful poisons on a face that grew up away from the qismat of cool mountain air that should have nurtured it.

And instead of any life direction to channelise my life, my face that was being played with through face-play technology and used since childhood by the army school in delhi for free stage show display, has been destroyed strategically, just as strategically as it was first used to make me 'apahij' about my face and to torment me.

So, i have never been the one who has run any business on my face, instead a face-play technology has been running its own business using my face, playing with it and trying to destroy it.

It is very clear, that my face has been targeted in India while the faces of their own Indian daughters have been nurtured and secured and beautified in foreign air and climates or even through face-business industries.

Q) So, it means an internal technology system that had been using and playing with your face, kept watching it being destroyed for 36 years?

Yes, that has been their intention, otherwise my life would have been different and my life experiences would have been different. My face would have been my own or it would have been part of any professional face-business career. Instead, it was played with to be destroyed since the innocence of childhood and then repeatedly destroyed through chemical additives in milk,salt.

Q) It sounds a little unbelievable that if such an investment of face-playing technology has been made on your face since childhood even till age 37 your face has never been adequately 'directed' or channelised by Indian film, TV system while a system itself has been playing with you internally?

Yes, because their intention was not to make me part of face-career businesses because that would have meant my face would have reached out to faces in Kashmir and Pakistan, it would have found recognition through the cultures and people I grew up disconnected from. Especially, if I would have been made a TV broadcast journalist in India and travel to Kashmir and other regions as I wanted to at age 18.

But the internal system was already 'using' me an a child actor for free stage show parts on the army school stage since childhood, whereas I wanted to seek knowledge and some basic education. Only even that basic education happened while this face-play technology was playing with my face and it isn't easy to concentrate on study while somebody is trying to play with the face through such a manipulative play technology and especially not letting me know about it.

It would have been so useful for me and these systems if they have told me since childhood what they were doing to me, so that my life could have been channelised in a more constructive way instead of being used discreetly and then destroyed away.
So, these internal Indian systems knew what was being done with me, how they were puppetting me and never shared those details with me.

Since I was directed towards the stage by the Indian army school, I did offer myself to theatre group workshops in Delhi and Bombay. But those are just experiences and not a working career and these stages in India, like the Asmita theatre group in Delhi and later Ekjute theatre group in Bombay that came out of free or paid theatre workshops but only gave me some humiliating stage parts to further destroy something within me and no real direction to life.  Other than that, the one year that i spent at the Film and Television Institute of India, to study film scripting, offered me a few free in-house student projects to act in after i had worked and submitted written work, so they gave me the experience to be an actor in free video projects, living through the experience of applying professional make up and be called an 'actor' as well. 

There has been no attempt to ever apply the depth of my feeling or personality. It has all been wasted in India. Not just that there has been no attempt to ever even communicate with me about myself. Other than humiliation of life destroyed year after year for three decades, all of that in my life has been systematically looted and used to add to other people's careers. 


And that is all. No other offer for any credited work in India anywhere ever came to me that would have used my face in a professional way.  

So, mine is not an actor-actress journey in any way, I havent been given that life to live other than some humiliating stage parts for derogatory drama forced on me since childhood. 

Leave aside being considered an actor/actress to be given any direction to life, nobody in India since childhood in Delhi or Bombay ever wanted to know me or talk to me about me in any way, very rarely. 
I am just somebody they deliberately misled and used since childhood and then destroyed away in as many ways as they could. 

Q) So even after exposure at the Film and TV Institute of India and struggling since childhood in Delhi and Bombay, no Indian film director or TV system ever offered life to your face?

A) No. And that's how it is. It could be their disinterest in me or their ignorance in not knowing that I was a face that was being played with through face-play technology since childhood. 

Or maybe their Internal system tips them internally and they know that my face has been destroyed or will be destroyed further so instead of giving it professional life, they know that the rest of my being and personality could be used as free source material instead and they could greenlight some other 'faces', whichever other 'face' they wanted to pay and popularise and run their business with.

I was never given a camera to photograph my face by my family, but later after mobile phones started developing cameras within them, i could now easily photograph the changing 'faces' on my face through the face selfie technique and that's how i like to preserve my existence still. I have access to online profiling, which gives some space to my existence.

I was 22 after being well directed away from TV broadcast journalism, that I made myself available to Bollywood for whatever life direction,guidance they would like to give to my life or whichever way they would like to use me. I have met several Indian film directors, I have lived within the prestigious Film and TV Institute of India and lived and struggled in Bombay till age 32 and yet these are my life experiences. And i have no working credit for any Indian film or television or advertising production. So India never gave me any professional beginning even after i was used internally since childhood. So, these highly pumped up, over publicised and overpaid Hindu directors and Hindi Hindu film star businesses of the Indian Hindu Hindi Indian film,tv business
have only watched me being further abused,destroyed and tormented and all of my own struggle and direction to survive, since nobody gave me any direction has been openly picked up and looted by these businesses to further their careers and businesses
Similarly, Hindu Indian TV journalism business and Hindu Indian TV business has enjoyed its business because that's where Indian money is hoarded and pumped in and Indian Hindu Politics business has marketed their own politics and politician business because that's how they get free source material to market their faces and political business.

What the internal system was trying to do instead was to exhaust me within my own face and being through the face-play technology and exhaust me in struggle instead of exhausting me in a visible career. 

So the misery forced upon my face has been lived by my body and soul as well, I haven't been given a life or lifestyle of dress-up or grooming, when i needed it in childhood, we had no money, and later when my face was repeatedly destroyed away there was no purpose in aspiring to hoard fancy clothes. When my soul itself was massacred, my face brutally destroyed after being played with, what happiness would fancy dress up or hoarding clothes be able to give me.

Q) So instead of the strategic sexual humiliation given to your face, what else is life at the beginning of 37?

Not as a imagined as a child certainly because i wanted to keep working hard and struggling and that too without abandoning study. I imagined by this age, all the hard work would lead to some lived life. That I  would be set free in every way, I would have a body of work and for that I would get the returns for all the struggle since childhood, that I could give back to my parents and family. Instead what I have is a life used internally, humiliated, destroyed, no beginning to any paid career still that would do justice to how i have been used since childhood and just some bad humiliating sexual experiences in India and no experience of marriage or motherhood.  But by reading books and by access to the world wide web I have some new experiences added to my life that didn't exist when i was being conditioned growing up in Delhi but i cannot call them 'life', i can call it survival, of merely being alive each day of my life.
So my life has been made what it was while growing up in Delhi, of being a woman considered more animal than human to be caged within a room and be researched upon using various advanced technology strategies. But I learnt to read English so i can pick up any book to read, I can log on to the internet and I can write and express or share what I am feeling.
They have been playing with me, researching upon me and using me since childhood,whereas I have been enduring and resisting in some way or the other since childhood.
Instead of being a career artist or professional what the evil and conniving systems of India have used me as is a personality whose entire struggle of a lifetime since childhood has been looted at source, by playing with my face,brain internally and through external systems,whose entire struggle in every way can be looted to market some other career for some other face or body or professional and with a lifetime of a career that was never lived several other people can use it as free source material to further their own businesses and even film,tv,journalism,politics,prostitution careers.

Q) The Bombay life experience has left you even more tormented than the growing up in Delhi years?

A) Absolutely. Because in Delhi i was a child and ignorant and even though those years were miserable, in Bombay i was more aware how my life had been misled, I was more aware by then nobody was making as much use of me as i deserved and craved for. I was being wasted and destroyed further all while an internal technology system continued to 'play' with my face and brain. They watched me struggle in hostel rooms and local trains and buses and autorickshaws but the bombay air kept me alive since I was still alone with nobody to be there with me and the internal system was still enjoying my misery. 
So, the Bombay city has a different character in my life than the Film,Tv prostitution business that sets up its shop there. Because most of the Film,TV prostitution business has been inherited by and given to Hindu Hindi Punjabi Papaji Babuji type families who have to loot and destroy other peoples lives and careers to further their own lifestyle through their film,tv business. Whereas Bombay city is still a lot more vibrant than that, even if there was a campaign to throw out 'North Indians' from Maharashtra during the years that I was living there. 
So, it is not surprising that instead of more truth telling and original pieces work, The whole world knows the Indian film industry is about criminals, gangsters,drug addicts and is based on theft,copy,loot. 

The Hindu Hindi Film family Film industry eventually is about their Directors and producers wiping the potty and piss off the Film family born film star eggs and that is all their end will be, it's their genitilia where Hindi film directors pump up and save their looted money. Then these faces,bodies,genitilia are meant to built up with crores of investment into Hindu gods and goddesses,kings and queens so that all that marketing is eventually routed towards the Hindu vote banks of the Hindu political business and the internal system of India could enjoy a big fat prostitution business from film,tv and politics.

Then, the Directors,Producers of Bombay started pumping their money into foreign faces and bodies which really meant they arranged more lifestyle and flights for people whose childhood was already flown around in several countries by their families. Because by doing that, more of the Film family eggs whose parents flew them to multiple foreign countries since childhood and really have no lifestyle issues to enter film,tv prostitution could continue their lifestyles and businesses and their businesses could continue through generation to generation of egg laying.

Q) But what about your life and career? Have you ever even known how to live it?

Ans) I have known struggle and that is all there is for me since childhood. I have known hard work and effort and I have known stumbling through the dark looking for survival and direction with no one to guide me. I have been used in various ways through the education years in India but even despite hard work and effort that is not what makes a working career because that's just when an innocent child like me got used for free as free human resource to be exhausted without ever being told that an evil internal technology system was already using me on 'show' bare in every way, the details of which have still not been revealed to me.
But all that effort has never been realised into my working career. Because they began destroying me instead, physically especially by destroying my face.
And the experiences in Bombay soon after my education years made my life experiences in India even worse.
It's as if, it is known internally that all of the thought within my brain is meant to be read at source, all of my struggle to myself within notebooks or into my computer, even while was being read internally had no meaning, all my struggle of placing myself available for work never realised my career potential, so all of me gets looted at source with no guidance or direction for me. While i am 'directed' to be caged within the room of the same family where I am born, like a woman unwanted, unrealised to be abandoned to it's own birth givers with no one else willing to claim her, while being used in every way internally.
So, some other person gets to live the life and career I should have been living, working,earning from as my lifetime that i deserved, forgetting what dna i am made of. So, Somebody else gets direction to act, someone else gets to make the film, someone else is taken on journeys, someone else gets bought and sold in the advertising industry of India, someone else gets to be writer or co-writer. 

Instead, they used my desperation of struggle within to destroy me and loot me at source, all the while continuing to 'PLAY" with my face through technology to continue the misery of struggle for me. I feel their hate, I feel they wanted to watch me be destroyed and not be 'made', the way they 'made' the careers of their own Indian children effortlessly guiding them to independence and happiness.

So the life experiences and career experiences for me have been very bad in India. My own life, potential, career has never been realised and has never begun in India. I have been cheated of my own life and looted from within. But that has made me see the 'real' faces of India so I got to see what sort of people Indians are behind the faces they sold on their Indian television and film which i was made to consume as a child in Delhi.

At 22 when i was full of youthful energy to work and to see the world and journey and begin applying myself creatively, I was refused work to be an assistant director in Bollywood or aspiring to write for them. I picked up some skills from the FTII after that and blessed them for allowing me in but in the years to follow I was still never given any film-making skills in India. I was expected to keep struggling within my notebook and computer with just a small handycam for company in life and found myself living low income careers, struggling from local trains and half rooms, hostel, to buses and autorickshaws all the while my misery was being 'watched' internally through the technology system show.

It would have been so easy for any of these People in India to take me on as their assistant director or to commission me to be their writer or even co-writer but despite several years of personal effort into my computer and notebooks i was never given that life.  Instead, my own personal struggle gets looted at source and that gets added to further their lives and businesses or of those they 'greenlight' for work, which was never me.

Neither did they make any use of the Face-play technology which was being used to play with my face to give me the actor's journey, but i feel those Indians are just ignorant people, despite hoarding work credits to their name and money in their bank, and i wish the best for their prosperous and fulfilling careers in acting and film making, just as the Indian tv broadcasting industry and tv advertising industry prospered, but i will never consume their content. So all they have lost is one person's viewership, whereas I have lost all of my career and a lot of my life within.

Q)So, you have never been wanted by these systems?

Ans) No. It doesn't take so long to know. It takes a meeting with any employer to know whether they want to 'make' something out of you or not. And the rest of the life is planned and lived accordingly. Just like the Army system that used me in their army school years, the Bombay industry also know who they want and those people are brought to them in a secure way, I am instead expected to "show up", "Land up" on my own to live a humiliating life. I haven't been brought anywhere driven in Army carriages or any other. I board trains, local buses,local trains, autorickshaws. They didn't want me, it has always been clear to me.  I have been good enough to be used by them, as long as i am available free to be used, uncredited. Everything more professional than that is lived by others, their own! It's not a new experience for me in India, just as i have never been shown into the busy Indian television journalism broadcasting business industry, I have never been shown into the real making of the Indian Hindi film or tv business, though I picked up some insights from hanging around on the outside.

When they make people professionally they do it effortlessly when they don't want to, the way they didnt want me, they will find someone shorter or taller, darker or fairer, younger or older, richer or poorer, fatter or thinner, they will find any reason to not make or to destroy. 



True, the army began readying me since primary school, but i am not any pampered army 'baby' or brat since i saw very little army life, have no experience of their army cantonment lifestyle or resources and mostly grew up in a civil area and saw my army serving father only after he stopped serving the Indian army. But, yes the army school milked and used and exhausted me as much as they could in extraneous activities in their school all through my schooling there but didn't really bother or care about me in real life, so i've been very sure that they did not like me from the beginning and probably detested me more over the years as i wanted to know, investigate and educate myself.
I am sure India's army is a well settled business by now and know their business interests and stake in art and entertainment, they know what unwanted dna and childhood like mine they had to mislead or exploit or exhaust and similarly they know about others who they have to protect and secure and consider their own and to market professionally in the marketplace for good price!
Besides my father has been the representative of the Indian army in my life and he never shied away from humiliating and mocking me in several ways and forcing his own choices and demands on me in the name of 'discipline' which really amounted to wasted life and time and the humiliation and mock has not ceased even at this age, so i already know that i cannot have any expectations from anyone or anything that has to do with the Indian army in any way. 
Everyone knows that the Indian army has secured the lives and genuinely marketed and bought and sold the careers of several prostitutes of various faces,skin and girth in Film, fashion,advertising,indian broadcasting tv journalism and maybe even film making and television but I am not one of them.

Q) So, instead of making use of your presence or creative potential, the Indian system especially in Bombay wasted you intentionally?

Ans) Absolutely. It seems, despite watching me struggle all alone, they have intentionally left me inexperienced so that i get wasted away instead of being channelised because by being channelised my effort would have been channelised to my own name and face instead of their puppets or businesses. I have no experience of being commissioned to write or co-write any film or tv for India, I have no experience of being introduced to the working of professional cameras in India. I have no experience of any journey made to anywhere with any India film or tv system and obviously i have no direction given by any Indian film or tv to my face,body or personality. Instead, all of my struggle from classroom hardwork to public transport struggle, to struggling to meet film makers and deciding on choices of whose work to be a part of, and the struggle within my notebooks and computer and the choice and effort of book reading and the choice of deciding and imagining locations of interest is all looted at source to run their own Indian businesses and while our home and family struggles they enjoyed a big,lavish moneyed party on it leaving me abandoned and not part of any work credit that came out of my own struggle. It is done openly, it is done repeatedly, it is done by their party between film,tv,advertising and even indian politics. Whereas there has been no professional beginning for me anywhere in the Indian system. 
It can be anything from film titles, characters,situations,locations or the creative journey alone that came out of my struggle of blood but the Indian system has openly raped me of my life and career and they have enjoyed fat prostitution moneyed parties on it.
They have some sort of a system, where they steal content because all of their film family egg laying system is made on the basis of theft, thats how they hoard crores directly looting someone elses struggle and after they steal they expect i will show up there to put up the drama of a fight with them to beg for work, whereas I would rather not breathe those people or consume any of the films or tv they make. I was an innocent child in Delhi when i consumed Indian content and i have had to pay with my life for that.

So, I have no experience of even attending any Bollywood event in Bombay or any other Indian event while being in Delhi. It's like I don't exist for them,even while they rape me of life and career.
And you know they party a lot and celebrate a lot of events on a daily basis and they do dress up their own women a lot, 
but then i know the truth that i am not from their Indian states as their Indian daughter or of foreign moneyed blood, I am of Muzzafarabadi,Azad Kashmiri descent in India and despite living and aspiring to work with them, they will never regard me as their own, their Indian system will use me to direct their hate towards me.

They play with me since birth, their game is to watch me struggle and then to destroy me when they see signs of effort and success in me, then they watch me struggle to pick up new skills and then they try to harm and destroy again in whatever way they can. Their job is to loot whatever they see me struggling to do and then they cut me off from that struggle and they are paid and marketed to become and live that struggle professionally instead, whether in Delhi or Bombay or anywhere else. so they mislead me towards the stage and then become the prostitute actress in me in the stage, film, tv business, they become the science professional in me, they become the broadcast journalist in me, they become the writer, film writer, film maker in me, they become the political service aspirant in me. because I am not the one they make part of their work, their business is only to 'play' with me, they access my struggle and then they are paid and marketed to live it professionally instead. 

Q) Why have you repeatedly insisted on travelling to Kashmir? 

Ans) Because growing up in the stillness of Delhi, I have missed Kashmir immensely. I grew up listening to narrations from my parents, especially my mother who studied medicine and grew up there. and I kept realising how much i was missing travelling to and knowing Kashmir while we were in Delhi, we had been there only once and had nowhere else to travel to throughout the Delhi years. So the moment i came of age, I wanted to use my broadcasting experience and travel to Kashmir as a broadcast journalist. That dream was never realised in India, although i studied about it. 
Then, I never succumbed to foreign education that i was offered, i experienced it and returned to India to be closer to travelling to Kashmir and continued to read, write about it. Even during the year abroad the childhood photograph with my parents and me in Kashmir kept me company.so i knew where i wanted to be.
All through Pune at the FTII and Bombay i wrote about Kashmir in an imaginary way, then i wanted to meet people living in Kashmir and started consuming a lot of visuals from Kashmir online and i realised instantly what i had been missing.
Once again, it would have been so easy for the Indian film industry to take me on a journey to Kashmir, but i am not the one they take along with them, so instead I am expected to keep struggling alone as an unwanted individual, board a flight alone and show up wherever i want to and that's what i did in 2011 finally. 
So,in India its as though my struggle has never mattered, that i don't exist even while i had been standing in front of those in Delhi and Bombay, that the blood on my face never mattered to them. I felt they had been enjoying their own Indian party and i was not meant to force myself into it. Instead, Kashmir agreed to become my imaginary virtual parallel universe and began healing all the confusion of childhood and the scars of youth.


LOTS MORE QUESTIONS,MANY MORE ANSWERS

Bud/Flower Bloom - Where there are Buds...they will bloom... ....

Where there are Buds...they will bloom... .... 

My mother's garden.

 
Hibiscus Flowers Twin Bloom from smriti vij on Vimeo.








Stargazer Lily Blooming from smriti vij on Vimeo.

Bloom in the Room. Cut flowers in the room

Bloom in the Room. Cut flowers in the room

 

https://www.facebook.com/smriti.vij

https://www.facebook.com/smriti.vijhttps://www.facebook.com/smriti.vij

First flower time lapse - Stargazer Lily Blooming

Stargazer Lily Blooming from smriti vij on Vimeo.

Users that used me since childhood

USERS THAT USED ME SINCE CHILDHOOD, FOR FREE, UNPAID, ONLY PUBLIC TRANSPORT MONEY.

INDIAN ARMY PUBLIC SCHOOL - other than attending their mediocre classroom they tried to exhaust me by using me since primary school on their stage for all kinds of free show stage activities for 12 years, everything from dance to drama to poetry reading, anchoring to editing print but never gave me any life lessons or fitness training highly unbecoming of an 'army experience'. Obviously no payment involved, we pay the school fees, they use for free. All along a remote access technology system was accessing and abusing my face,brain,body and internals.

All india radio and times fm

Low payment amateur radio experience with Rs 150-500 rupees at all india radio and a minor assistant job for 200 rupees at a times fm show.

Lady shriram college

No exposure to broadcasting experience so directed away from electronic media aspiration but too much exposure to print. Instead of a career towards broadcasting they pimped me to a delhi tabloid,delhi times instead, used me as journalism president for their college and other activities, one week travel to lahore,pakistan and one year exchange student stay in melbourne,australia.

Public service broadcasting trust and conflict transformation workshops

10,000 ruppees a month office job at a documentary making company and attendance at conflict transformation workshops through the lady shriram college system.

La trobe university,melbourne
One year exchange programme that taught media studies,new media and my first experience at handling a consumer video camera.

Times of india delhi times tabloid
4 months exposure to life lived in tabloid print and minor payment.

Mukta arts films

5000,10,000 ruppee a month job through a delhi delhi times tabloid contact to stay at home, surf libraries, courier content through courier companies, escort guests etc.

Film &tv institute of india
Pay 60,000 ruppees for learning film scriptwriting for one year. Some tv students used as an actor for classroom video projects for free. One script and 6 stories given to the classroom for free.

Idream production,bombay

One year script reading job at 25,000 ruppees a month.

Shram sadhana trust womens hostel

Pay 2,000 ruppees a month for half a room writing content,stories and scripts on my computer and reading especially about kashmir.

Indian film directors

Anurag kashyap,sudhir mishra etc They Were resting their pot bellies in their aram nagar offices and agreed to be videotaped on my consumer video camera but never made me part of their film making work other than showing their own film making businesses and watching me destroyed and decomposed in bombay. Also, free publicity content for them and others at the www.passionforcinema.com blog which was later sold off and shut down.


Indian theatre groups

Workshops at yatrik group,delhi, humiliating stage parts at asmita group,delhi who I eventually asked to stage a 10 minute presentation on Kashmir instead in 2010. Pay 10,000 ruppess to ekjute theatre group,bombay, workshop for one month and some humiliating wasted stage parts.

Internal remote access system

Some unknown system that remotely accesses my face,brain,eyes,body,nervous system, since childhood, plays with me to force other faces on my own face, remotely accessing all data from my brain, eyes and plays with my brain,breath,nervous system.

Unknown users from the remote access system.

Unknown and known users online.

Each of these parties and unknown users are involved in cutting me off professionally from the Indian mainstream, participating in looting my struggle which is then used to other people and their professional careers. Whereas, there is no account for the internal renote access system that rapes my face since childhood, accesses all the data in my brain, uses my body and all internals remotely and never makes those users visible to me.

Muzzafarabad

DELHI SINCE 2012 - 2018

At the end of 36 years for 36 years now Indian systems used and abused me internally and destroyed me from life and career.

At the end of 36 years, i have been destroyed by systems who have had access to my face,brain,body through their advanced high technology. They kept playing with my own kashmiri face since childhood for 3 decades now, all through Delhi and Bombay and kept forcing the faces of their own indian male,female on my kashmiri face by force. They played with me for pleasure and entertainment and kept using me bare as a toy to be played with and abused,bare,free of cost for their use by force not to be 'made' but 'destroyed. They destroyed me from every career aspiration despite hardwork, effort, merit across multiple streams. For 3 decades they haven't even given me the freedom to breathe in the kashmiri face i am born with, they strategically kept destroying me every day of my life.

Both the Media pimping education systems of Delhi their power pimping and the indian film, tv prostitution promoting businesses of Bombay destroyed me strategically and were never there for me in a real way.

Neither the booming broadcasting media businesses of Delhi were ever there for me nor the pimp film director businesses of Bombay. Their internal business was to participate in destroying me out of the way in every way to pocket returns for their own pimping business just as the corrupt Indian political system that pimps names and faeces in their Indian political system.

Are they using me since childhood through the REMOTE NEURAL MONITORING system or does the business have another name? Because nobody in India either had a professional career or life for me, neither did their journalism education,media industry,army,film school, theatre drama companies or any of the businesspeople associated with these industries in India ever have any direct answers for me, they were too busy in furthering their own businesses.

So, they used me bare in face,brain,body since childhood, watched me like voyeurs forcing themselves on the inside of a body and then once they knew i was personally wrecked all these systems were advised to avoid me from making any real professional beginning as per merit in their commerical systems and they destroyed me physically as well. So, while watching all my life bare, and watching me personally wrecked, they didn't attempt to care for me, or be there for me because i must have been an outsider to them to be watched bare on the inside and they would have wanted to keep watching me destroyed and destroy me further whether in ignorant and innocent childhood or through the further struggles to find answers.

They used my effort, spirit, struggle, personal internal journey but never made me part of their careers.

 THEY ARE STILL ABUSING ME AND PLAYING WITH ME. I PRAY TO SPIRITS TO CURSE THEM.,WHOEVER THEY ARE.

No, I don't want to know or count how many lakhs and crores Indian brown or any other skin businesses made by destroying my life and career out of the way. And i don't want to know how many crores Indian film and tv prostitution businesses pocket either. No, I do not consume any Indian tv and now i do not consume even the business sold especially by the film family prostitution brothel businesses of India.

I ONLY WANT TO KNOW WHO ARE THE SYSTEMS WHO HAVE HAD ACCESS TO MY FACE AND BRAIN SINCE CHILDHOOD WHO HAVE ABUSED ME INTERNALLY ESPECIALLY BY WATCHING ME BARE,PLAYING WITH MY SENSES USING ADVANCED HIGH TECHNOLOGY AND PLAYING WITH MY FACE BY FORCING OTHER FACES ON IT BY FORCE EACH DAY.

MY LIFE AND EVERY CAREER ASPIRATION HAS BEEN DESTROYED STRATEGICALLY IN BOTH DELHI AND BOMBAY.

AT THE END OF YEAR 36, STILL NOT EVEN A BEGINNING TO MY LIFE OR CAREER

They continue to play with my face as they have done for 3 decades now using technology forced in. I cannot aspire to cover my face because their evil system is designed to not just force a different face onto my own face as per their wish but they can even  force it through the brain, by forcing in the feeling of whichever face they want to force onto mine.  Photographs of the face kept proof of their abuse of my face but their evil system of abusing through the brain and thought cannot be recorded by any photo or video systen. Their play is with brain, thought, feeling other than just physically. They still dont tell me how they used me and continue to abuse me.

Where is my body 'sent' internally using artificial intelligence or whatever other technology since childhood till this age??Who uses it?

which system uses artificial intelligence technology through what system to play with my face and force their obese south indian, bengali, other indian faces on my face since childhood, through the years of misery of surviving in delhi and bombay??

Where and through what technology is my brain and thought read at source since childhood for 3 decades now so that all my effort, struggle, aspiration thought into my brain could be raped away at source??

obviously i was never given any career my merit deserved because they were raping and looting me at source.

Yes, they were all on the same side of destroying me in as many ways as they could.

The lives of princesses and queens they kept for their own daughters, i have nothing to do with such lifestyles nor do i have anything professional work to do with Indian film star,tv star prostitutes just as they kept professional career guidance and professional lives and savings enjoyed for their own children. On me and my face and body they forced prostitution, forced transgender and their hate.

i don't know what it means to be led into any life changing journey other than struggle, but in both these cities of Mumbai and Delhi, just like the spawn of the bombay film brothel families are secured with never ending work credit looted off from the life and career aspirations of several lives and careers destroyed to add to their business, it is worth seeing in the film,media marketplaces of both these cities how Indians care for their own and lead them into secure lifestyles and careers.

At the end of this age it is very clear that these indian systems of both Delhi and Bombay used me and their internal system exists to only use me, abuse me, exploit me whereas all the lived careers and lived professions and life experiences were given to their own Indians or foreign flesh.

The most the looters from Bombay came through high technology to abuse me from within this delhi room for 6 years now was to humiliate me as source material to further the lives, careers of theit indian film tv prostitutes prospering and prostituting in peace.

Do not consume anything sold by Indias Bombay film, tv brothel, they are not entertainment. Run on the Indian system of  theft and rape, they are strategically marketed and overpaid indian political pimps to strategically rape the aspirations of kashmiri people and are very much a part of the massacre of the aspiration of kashmiri people.

They are just an extension of the filthy corrupt indian political parties whose primary business is to openly rape and massacre the rights, aspiration, identity, existence of kashmiri people and now all of their moth eaten indian political business lives exposed with their politics and history of tv soap up their anus for the rest of their corrupt indian political existence!

Regardless of my struggle in Delhi and Bombay or any political aspiration in India, Indian power pimps decided instead to sell their Indian parliament to pimps to market a prostitute body in it that they needed to have sex with their Indian hindu vote bank aunties and Indian hindu vote bank mothers because I am not going to do it.

No i never want to converse with any indian politician, they should continue to use the replacements prostitutes they led into their system while i was abused in this room in delhi for the last 6 years.

No, i never want to travel to the gutters of Bombay ever again after being further destroyed, abused and humiliated there of life and career and in every other way till 2012 so if any film, tv pimps from there who have still been given access into the insides of my face, brain, body through the abusive high advanced technology with no beginning to any career for me should exit and end this misery for me the way i am still being abused within this delhi room of my parents house. @

I am made to feel like a prostitute who was nevee groomed for a sex worker business but whose entire effort of study years was being used discreetly through abusive technology and wasted extra activities. Who was made to struggle since childhood for aspirations only to be destroyed away so that all that struggle with no professional career and all the pain, blood effort vision in it could be used as free source material looted at the source of my face, brain, body to add to the careers of the various males, females or transgenders that were being greenlit in delhi, bombay or anywhere in the world.

They never 'made' me, they used me, then destroyed not once but many times over in various struggles for existence.

The First Twenty Years, 1981-2001

The First Twenty Years, 1981-2001

Currently, this is the only public voice I own in india, I am not part of any of their professional communication industries and there is no one else to express this for me so I have to write for my own self.

I live with the burden of my growing up experiences kept to my own self and I preferred to spend effort on reading,writing,viewing what didn’t involve them so that I could add new knowledge instead. In any case, I switched off watching Indian or any other television very early and now have limited memory of the world that India’s or any other television sold,watched,consumed and partied with.

But I also live with the burden of my childhood being audience to Indian content of their past presented on India’s public service broadcasting television.  What a burden it was, being made to watch nothing other than indian content! No one really cares what personal wreckage I live by and controlling systems use the information of my survival and existence bare to them to their own advantage and marketing others while cutting me off, with neither the dignity of private existence nor my presence in their public space to present myself to be dishonored and humiliated publicly.

This personal wreckage could have been solved through media or arts experiences and made into a lived life but certain internal systems for whom my presence has been that of a civil government area-army school child puppet and one that they clearly didn’t want should exist in any other public way made a shop out of them and then set up other businesses on them instead.  Also, control systems that control the innocence of the growing up years, constantly want to keep me imprisoned in the same set of forced control and circumstances that they can then continue to control, manipulate, puppet like the brain of a child forced to remain indoors on government owned property that they were familiar with.

The entry of the medium and a parallel imaginary world

The colour tv set with indian programming entered delhi homes and the musical television advertisements attracted.

Playacting imaginary characters in time alone became the first influence of the media environment on me.

Content served by India’s public service broadcaster followed next.

There in my infancy and the innocence of childhood they had created a set of eyes to consume what they presented on their television including film content celebrated from the past. But not a person they would want to care for or preserve in the same way.

Even though finances were so scarce, the dream of wanting to go to work anywhere was strictly prohibited.

Scribbling into a journal started as early as I can remember putting pen to paper. It was not directed by anyone. But trying to read was a struggle.

Somehow the content that Indian advertising sold seemed to be living at a different pace than what the public broadcasting channel sold, it was as if two separate worlds were being marketed simultaneously.

Incidentally in 2015 some family members threw me into a mental health institute in delhi using their force on me, to be labeled as a schizophrenic.  Lives uprooted from the cultures they belonged to and placed in different circumstances and  compensated by being made into audiences can so easily be labelled schizophrenic so that the rest of the life can then be maligned by internally controlling systems and instead of making the person fulfill any of their personal or professional aspirations be cut off, cut away from internal controlling systems using the person as a free show or watch.

Music and dance

Although the army school did direct me towards the dancing experience and musical ghungroos to wear and even if I danced to them as I pleased in my spare time at home I did not want dance to take over my life. There was no other professional dance training.

There was no one forcing me to dance but there was mainstream film and television for company. The content of Indian film music interested me.  There was no western music reaching out to me and I was never given the encouragement or money to purchase any western music for myself.

I did not own or play any musical instrument and there was no singing or voice training.

Readied to be humiliated and the myth of safety

It must have come through tv and film viewing or her reading habit or acquainting me with the outsider’s gaze but primary school felt too early an age for my then lighter body to be made into an object of comments by the eldest sibling at home, from the face to facial features, speech to action to every body part that was read and commented upon, described and mocked perhaps to acquaint me what a body on display meant.  But over the years, as the school textbooks began getting heavier, it was going to be an everyday routine within the shared space of the home. Hooking for love or my body were not issues that I was curious about in primary school years. But as I grew older and agreed to be force fed by my mother to have more weight added on to me I did question even then why would a woman even if related by blood, make another woman’s body parts and the privacy of her inner being her own business to comment on.  As the years passed away, I questioned that should I have pandered to please their eyes over my bodily display to be audience to colourful descriptions about my appearance or should I have ignored their existence to continue the struggle with my school textbooks. Should I have failed appearing for school examinations and spent effort singularly on become a pleasure toy on display inside the family before aspiring for a role like that on the outside of it. Other members of the family also found an object, plaything, in me, a toy to be fondled with as they pleased and to comment at as they pleased.  Some of it childhood banter, a lot of it deliberate hate, most of it an as an extension of the ridicule and personal insults the mother was being subjected to within the home and family and where i was required to role play with her. Sometimes, people spew hate that other systems have fed into them and those negative systems speak through them, is what saw me through it.

Sometimes, they didn't like my face and it's facial features, other times they didn't like
the parts of my body, my thighs and hips didn't suit their personal interests either, my breasts had already been subjected to humiliation separately in a badly directed scene within the
civil government area while i was on my bicycle early one still morning by an unknown indian male who stopped to ask for directions.

Those who make hate part of their being and insult in physical ways will find any part of your being to insult, if the body is bloated up their hate will be redirected there but if the body remains leaner then their hate will move to the insult the face or physical features. Winning awards or being forced to perform in examinations to display progress reports can bring more hate within homes or with any other stakeholder that uses the person on a watch.

There has been very little beauty parlour investments in my life and i often have had to live with the hair on my thin and senstive skin, i am sure even that didn't make the only school text books
and audio life  a pleasurable picture for any eyes that might have gazed at me.

The mother had her own requirement of companionship from me for all twenty years that I lived in the government service homes awarded to her, accompanying her to her medical dispensaries was enlightening away from the tv home but her own requirement of directing role play for me to role play as a boy that she wasn’t blessed with as a third born daughter instead was humiliating. They were expecting a Baba, babboo, babbal, babloo to be born to them, they were not expecting me to be born as a a third daughter, unwanted and the scant presence of their visiting relatives played along with them.  The mother’s perpetual derogatory comment that persisted for years together would be that I should have been born a boy to her and not a girl as she was expecting to deliver a boy and not a third daughter implying somehow that my birth should pay the price for it. Since one of the government homes and the space in her government home was initially limited my place in her home was to share her bed in her room and remain exclusively under her care and companionship with no right to any other aspiration.

Food, medicine, film or  tv would be her answer to every attempt at communication.

 The communication about Kashmir was always about the past, never about the present, other than its food and craft. But there was hurt about the news about Kashmir and the glory of the past.

Also, I was meant to blindly accept facial resemblance with the dead ,martyred grandfather more about whom would be revealed to me only later in my journalism years on my own effort, erasing out my own existence and identity and over the years this humiliating description would often be repeated, Instead of the dignity I deserved as a girl child.

The home was a place for verbal taunts, comments, negativity, hurt and hate, but I survived assuming that each member must have been living through their own struggles or were acclimatizing each other to how a rude world outside of homes negates people.

Free Show Stage presence for the army school

The army school placed me on stage consistently initially to recite the poetry they would give, enact out role playing leads on their stage, sometimes role playing a boy, other times hidden away in a sack and be rewarded for it.  The army school stage had also created a plaything the way the family did but of a different kind which also brought along a microphone and voice. The army school kept me well experienced with awards and applause.

Unfortunately, interacting with people was prohibited by the parents and the work done for the army school stage remained an incomplete lived experience especially since I rarely interacted and communicated outside of the work given to me and never lived any lifestyle that should have been lived with any active stage presence.  

Giving time to be involved with stage presence was enough distraction away from any single minded devotion to only study. I attended a theatre workshop outside of the school with theatre group Yatrik which educated me about the other issues of trust especially that connects theatre activity to the experience of life. What the army school had been doing with me was interrupting my study routine, placing me on their stage with lines to cram and spit, with no care to educate me about any life lessons associated with the theatre medium or anything about living life, perhaps they do to their own children who are brought up in army led areas and cantonments but i wasn;t one of them.

It is difficult to put into words what the combination of the family and the army school were trying to make me into or direct my life towards as I received orders from home to obey and comments to endure at home. At home, were they trying to direct me to be a sexual object for display to be continued to be humiliated in the future the way the home did but one that would also bring them academic results from the classroom as they sat and watched!  There was no one path.  There was neither the honour of a conservative appearance nor the choice of living by your own aspiration. There were neither the natural surroundings of present circumstances of Kashmir nor the freedom to mingle with other delhi lifestyles other than a few acquaintances of the civil government area.

By being used on show but never commercially or given any professional direction I would in the future neither have lived the life of honour away from any public display nor the life experiences of a professional on public display. The experiences of being forced to be at home for 20 years neither brought the inspiration of wanting to grow to live in a family of my own nor a life lead by my own decision making. There was neither the honour of living without visible display nor the professional direction to be channelised visibly.
Or perhaps this what the Indian army school wanted for me, to get distracted away from single minded devotion to study that could eventually take me to scale heights within competitive professional fields, neither was i educated about my own kashmiri roots or the indian politics associated with it, i trusted the army school with their using me as a stage toy but they never truly shared the real blessings of a military based education with - life skills or fitness or any other experiences that would nurture me to become a fit and friendly personality. I felt isolated and unwanted even after being sparingly, half-used on stage, half-made, half abandoned.

Limited Travel experiences

Thanks to the father serving the Indian army my early childhood memory involves travelling to the north east, to Kashmir and Jabalpur to visit with the family and a single trip to Bombay away on a civil family trip away from the army. But after the father’s retirement from the Indian army, travelling outside Delhi became a scarce occasional event which really meant every day of my life was spent inside the delhi government homes.

Camera prohibited

However many film,tv and advertising visuals I consumed as a child It was forbidden and unaffordable for me to acquire a camera so I have no camera work experience with school text books around and however picturesque the government area and its home looked I could never be the one photographing it. I still don’t own or operate any still camera. But visiting relatives made me part of their home videography and i remain thankful to them that I have video memories to look back at. But so many memories of being caged in government homes are not photographed and they dont exist anymore, the dancing, the time with the bicycle and two wheeler scooter, the walk to nowhere or to a park in the caged government area, the miserable time spent with school books and the time spend in the desperate chaos of the extraneous activities the army school used me for and making sense of hate from family members.

Being homeless in government homes

Living in government homes when your family does not own a home of their own doesn’t erase the insecurity of homelessness, it makes it more prominent as you live with the fact everyday that you might have no home to go to, after giving up government owned property.
I have very little lived experience of army owned flats and the community living that comes along with it. Since most of my years were spent within a civil government area i don't regard myself as anyone with army community, cantonment living experiences. In that my life experiences are different than the ex-army family i belong to and other children of theirs.

In my memory the early army homes were always dark spaces whereas the civil government area location was too brightly sunlight yet too still, there was dry stillness in the air.  One of the homes which was allocated to my mother’s service was so roomy that I would never covet any other large home in any city nor lust for lavish hotel room lifestyles.  But to a child who didn’t choose to be placed in government homes earned by her parents or be born to an ex-army set up or in delhi, being forced to remain within a home and nowhere else with no travel for twenty years is also imprisonment, the price of being born.

Leaving the home, aspiring to live away from the home, travelling alone out of the city was strictly prohibited.
But homelessness became a constant companion eventually in the later years as i managed to survive alive on my own in a university room and hostel half rooms and other paid rooms in mumbai on my own.

Inanimate objects within homes

Away from the family members in my own room and their spaces I lived at peace in my own imaginary character driven world and journal to scribble on and as the years progressed I became closer to my own imaginary world than the members of the family or any other people, I began considering the possibility of becoming part of the emerging commercial media set ups that I saw in india. It was strictly prohibited and the contradictory directions displayed by different control groups.

The heaven of silence and dust particles that danced like snowflakes but were not real snow, were constant companions within the home away from people. In the air less stillness of the delhi exterior and interior, the cold breath from the freezer felt like the only cold air to be ever felt and pieces or ice were companions like snow should have been. Every inanimate object within the home, the furniture, the chairs and that tables I was forced to sit at with textbooks, however much I disliked it became dearer friends as they never answered back or commented negatively. It felt that the ex armed forces father demanded that my future should be to exist like one of the pieces of furniture, enduring insults, never questioning and not reacting with any self expression and only obeying each of his orders and bringing him progress reports in return as if a well marked progress report is greater than the student who achieves it.

The Toys i got to play with
Since i was being directed in life to everything play, i did have access to toys to play with even though the means were very limited for me, so i owned a big electronic doll that made sound, a barbie doll for whom i could purchase a few clothes occassionally, a red big stuffed bear, a police car with lights on it,a toy guitar with a very short life span and a leo mattel machine gun. But i also got some more toys to play with when my eldest sister travelled to london for work and brought up soft toys that i had never seen before. 

Buried under mountains of food

With every passing year, the mother began burying me under heaps to food to cut my body out of my way and the possibility of dancing it away and to give company to the parent’s lifestyle. Clearly my body was meant to be kept stationery and not a free, light, travelling one. Instead, bound indoors, the mother directed me to be the person who is forced to celebrate her cooking prowess as she working medical doctor had labored to cook and serve as well.

But it was a useful experience. Be overfed, force fed with lavish home cooked food so that I may never want another person’s food nor eat at lavish restaurants or party spreads. Party spreads at home were sufficient and hospitality was encouraged. Saying No was not permitted. The mother’s effort also brought with it her attempts to connect to kashmiri culture through her food, however the spices and gravy to me didn’t seem suited to the heat and stillness of new delhi away from Kashmir. It brought great discomfort. It also created an unhealthy feeling that all communication was meant to be stifled and replaced with food, force fed. But it was obedience and in case controllers do not honour a ‘No’ , obey their orders and let them see the ill effects of their force.

It also served as warning signs that this is what the scenario would look like in case a major portion of my life was looted out to cook and serve lavish food ever in the future.

Finally, food piled itself enough onto my body so that the unwanted gaze of the earlier years could turn away and that was a relief.

And of course it also gave companionship to the hardworking mother and her own body issues of being disrespected by those who lived in the home awarded to her government service. With the ex army colonel disrespecting her even as she served him the food she was meant to cook and serve as heaps! 

The house was kept overstocked with bakery products and all kinds of packaged junk food products at all times. Junk food of all kinds was encouraged. Purchasing food products and cooking and serving elaborate food spreads consumes a humongous amount of time and effort that could be used elsewhere.

But I could never understand why would a home where money was limited was spending lavishly on food and food alone. I attributed it to cultural issues.

Experiencing this made it certain that I will find other sources to breathe through in life and not be forced to become any foodie endorsing multiple cuisines or any expensive hotel or restaurant culture. 

There was cost cutting for me in other areas out of choice of being part of a family with limited service income and I endorsed very limited shopping for clothes or personal products which I hoped would be added to my life at the right place for it, in more financially secure circumstances. But the future was not going to bring opportunities for any personal care or any set of multiple clothes on display or personal products to invest in, that's the life has brought to me. It was going to bring a life in India, of further destruction. There was no money to invest in books outside of the school syllabus and they were either awarded by the school or gifted by friends.  Listening to the radio and reading the news paper was cost effective.

Over the years within the home, i felt as if there were games being played with my brain and body. Occasionally some image or peculiar word would be dropped into my brain, i made notes of it in my personal journal.
My breathing felt as if controlled where i could scarcely breathe through my nose. Sometimes, an aberration would appear in my brain, other times a sudden jerk would shake my limbs as if technology being used to puppet my body. Many times, as the school books turned heavier and life grew grim, i would find my mind racing for a few days at a stretch as if on a 'high' making it difficult to read and process the printed word. As if a control mechanism was trying to keep me from reading school text books successfully.

The father the only male

Entry of males within the home was forbidden, only the television and other media was permitted. Dating was strictly prohibited, the concept did not exist. There were no night outs or night parties or any parties to attend other than home based birthday or relative parties.

The only male that lived within the house was the father and that man with his atrocious ex armed forces behavior of yelling out aloud to disrespect his working wife and daughters, each morning and after was meant to be accepted and endured.  The more he forced me to concentrate on school textbooks and examination and the display of test progress reports, the more difficult it became to concentrate on the printed word. The father was in any way, distant in approach since he already had priorities to commit to his other elder children. But his loud behaviour leaves its bad memories, those ferocious army colonel eyes that reddened with unprovoked anger directed at me, clearly he was irked by my very presence and birth into his family. his attempts to 'scare' by loud yelling and turning his eyes ferocious. meanwhile his regular, ongoing routine of him bursting into loud yells and exchange of loud yelling 'fights' with his doctor wife every day,morning and on their food table routine was already the bad memory being created every day. 

No Communication

Any real progressive conversation or communication was discouraged. No ideas or knowledge were exchanged in any real way with me. Questions were not meant to be asked only orders were meant to be accepted without questioning. There was no real communication but the family members ensured there was enough joke making, personal negative comments, hateful, hurtful comments and insults shared amongst each other. The parents ensured they displayed their insults at each other on a daily basis. Being audience to regular displays of anger was an everyday occurrence.

Only school textbooks permitted. Fighting with the written word.

I switched off the Indian television without ever watching india’s cable television so I don’t have any memories of what they sold through cable channels and partied to. But being audience to music remained.

It was a struggle paying attention to the written word and the reading habit was a struggle, I had consumed too many film, tv and advertising images by then and wanted to live within the pace of their parallel world.

Often in the later years I would feel my mind racing as I would have to struggle and fight with reading the text books I was surrounded with. I was discouraged from the aspiration of finding my own creative voice or expression instead I was forced to study science to duplicate the mother’s medical profession and although the promise of studying science was enticing on its own too, and advertised technology interested me,   there was enough arts related extracurricular activity, science was forced upon me. Tuitions and coaching classes were forced upon against my will, I did not want finances to be spent on them, but obedience was the only way permitted. Surprisingly the home and family had educated more about television and films than anything related to medicine or science.

In the final year the army school directed me towards editing their newsletter which came as a natural extension of years of my scribblepad journal experience where I used to note down school event and radio experiences, and peculiar news events.

Marks or be humiliated further

If i had gone with the way the army school wanted to exhaust and destroy me in wasteful extra curriculars and stage display i would have wandered somewhere between f grades or percentages in the 40s,50s or 60s and suffered further humiliation from the army colonel and doctor at home, so instead along with the extraneous activities, i lived from report card to report card, marksheet to marksheet to end with being forced to study science which i did not regret and be marksheeted at least in the mid 80s according to their Indian system, very worth the darkness and loneliness of displaying them as the chosen vital statistics to go along with ugly experiences of being an indian army school student in breast-displaying transparent white shirts and ugly skirts as uniform. The discipline of choosing to study science and score some marks in, along with the heat of Delhi, with sweat constantly dripping down my thighs in those ugly skirts and heat rashes do not make any happy memories but at least i lived through it.

The Microphone, the radio and the dictaphone.

Meanwhile, the microphone became my childhood companion on the army school stage and they now used me for various mic holding anchoring parts, the emerging commercial radio is what I tuned in to instead of television and while the public broadcaster all india radio became a sanctuary for amateur radio broadcasting experience and most importantly somewhere I could finally begin work and step away from the home and family on my own for the first time. The first earned income after i was allowed to work for the first time anywhere was between 150rs-500rs per show, at least i wasnt being used for free and at least some real broadcast experience was being added to my life. Finally i also managed to earn a place as an assistant at the newly launched commercial radio station at a salary of Rs 200 per assistance.The radio temporarily solved the feeling of extreme isolation and friendlessness of the army school and civil government area instead of any people there was now a medium to confide into.  Being allowed to travel till all india radio on my own brought much needed movement other than the movement I added running a bicycle or my father’s old two wheeler on the civil government area roads. But even bicycling on 'safe' government area roads was not without bad experience, as one still air morning bicycling, in a badly directed scene, a strange man grabbed at my breast on the pretext of asking for direction. But i continued to add movement on the still road not just through the cycle but the old scooter as well.

The medicine aspiration exam forced upon was unsuccessful despite cutting off other activity and replacing it with tuition and only text books. I have great respect for the medical profession and compromised following my own choices of a freer, lighter life to attempt to study science and appear for examinations but the system which requires a society where everyone is only a patient and secured only by doctors is an incomplete system which has cut off other necessities of living a complete life.

Face spotted out of the way of public space

 I continued with a bachelor’s of arts instead and was selected for a journalism course. There was no science forced on me anymore and getting to read books outside of science was a relief. But on the same day that i entered the journalism course, Government control simultaneously axed out commercial radio stations where I was hoping to work and finance further study. I continued with participating in the government all india radio broadcasts while determined to inculcate the reading habit. Clearly the myopic Indian government puppeteers didnt want to direct their commerical radio towards any news broadcasts. With the journalism course the personal journal habit became more professionalized and put to use in the college printed world but other extraneous on stage activities were curtailed with the introduction to the arts subjects which really meant all other speech based experience was being curtailed and routed towards the printed word within the college but thankfully due to the government radio at least i had somewhere to remain connected with the electronic medium. But instead of being channelised as a science student with government radio broadcast experience towards the emerging and booming Delhi based commercial t.v news business and broadcast journalism i was routed towards the printed word and was eventually placed for an internship with the Delhi based print tabloid newspaper. I did not despair.  Perhaps instead of adding new experience and learning it was more truthful to accept the consumption of all the retro film tv content that India had sold to my eyes and ears since birth. A mid 80s science score from school, radio broadcast experience,being used as a stage puppet for the army school and a genuine urge to learn whatever was kept hidden about Kashmir from me turned out to be good enough only for a Delhi print tabloid internship instead of being channelised towards the booming Indian broadcasting experience! Through the tabloid at least i had professional paid work to do, for the first time i could see the party India had been enjoying all through, i could attend a night party for the first time and get to travel outside of delhi for a river rafting sports excursion while reporting it. So all of these experiences were giving me life experiences to live outside of the government home for the first time.

But through the years of stepping out of the family home my face was being ‘spotted off’ with breakouts that kept showing up in the years to follow just as they had in my eldest sibling’s face, the memories that I was brought up with. But the desire to be on my feet was greater than the dust on my face. I had been brought up inside a Delhi home but couldn;t even get to see much of Delhi before this other than the occasional government radio broadcasting house. A lot of questions in my mind found a place to belong and several new answers I was not looking for were also added. Meanwhile the ex army colonel father began educating me about his own childhood experiences of being displaced from muzzafarabad,Azad Kashmir, a history that still seemed unexplained or part of education anywhere or on the Indian television or news.I wish he had cared enough about me to educate me about his great knowledge in the early years of school instead. The college also directed me to visit Lahore in Pakistan which became the first experience of travelling away from India. I was happy to move closer to the journalism profession with a successful internship albeit with a tabloid. I could also earn and purchase my own television set now to switch back the tv and watch the news that India sold and was encouraged by the emerging, booming voices of the india’s commercial television news but the ex army colonel father now wanted me string puppeted away from journalism for reasons never known to me. He now forced me to appear for the management entrance exam instead which I prepared for keeping only the media management course in sight that I cleared successfully but the college instead awarded me a year’s media studies programme in Melbourne as part of their student exchange which is what the ex colonel father wanted me to accept instead as well. I was keen to begin working professionally in India and become the young workforce and did not aspire for any foreign university branding so there were no other foreign branded universities I applied to.  But the army ex colonel had managed to force his own self and life story in to disrupt me and cut me off from professional journalism and try and puppet me to market his own life experiences instead. I was interested to question, why. What the army school added to me through their extracurricular space was being paid back to the ex army colonel with him redirecting and trying to cut through my professional workspace as per his needs along with paying back for the cost of attending classroom and the sustenance given.
Some of the strategies used by the army colonel to interrupt the making of any career has been to devalue life, especially financially and devalue life and career potential and redirect towards a wasted life locked indoors. And the Indian college also cleverly re routed and redirected me away from Indias youthful booming television broadcast journalism towards print and tabloid darkness. But the college was also the first place where i happened to consume some alternative indian and foreign cinema that was never broadcast on indian t.v channels
The college also got me involved in peacebuilding and conflict resolution workshops organised for indian and pakistani students. So, there were all kinds of other opportunities for me other than India.s commerical TV journalism set up right there in the Indian capital New Delhi. I was now packed off to spend a year down under.

A year in Melbourne finally away from the controlling home and family and other control systems, away from the conflicts within the army home and the negativity mock and humiliation from within the army home and outside, in a room to myself i was finally able to concentrate on reading while crediting the influences of radio and the emerging digital media, but I also got to handle a video camera there for the first time to preserve a few video memories of the city. Another video project that i made within the course was set in the on campus wildlife sanctuary, just another attempt to reconnect with the natural outdoors of flora and fauna, far away from Kashmir. A childhood photo from Kashmir gave me constant company on my desk, just a reminder that it was the place i wanted to visit.The Australian system also educated me about television and political big brother control through various formats of tv programming using films and cinema as an aid. The welcoming outdoors of bright and fresh Australia also gave me the opportunity to apply my body for the first time to travel and travel on my own between cities.

Unfortunately even after returning to india after the year, my face was spotted out of the way and my applications for television break-in’s in the Indian news markets never found success because clearly the college system had directed my life away from a broadcast career.  Those control systems that ‘spotted’ me off, didn’t realize how else would someone kept indoors for 20 years communicate with the world outside without communicating and interacting with people and be ‘spotted’ for it.

I now had to rework the information fed into my brain in every way and add new information that had been kept away from me.

However, with the attempt at educating me about the humiliation that there were controlling systems watching my internal personal struggles in every bare way for reasons best known to them and yet clearly not stopping to direct me away from struggling with my own self. My brain and it’s own innocence was kept bare for controllers to feed into, while I was kept away and controlled from becoming my own self. I didn’t dream of causing harm to anyone or to destroy another. But controlling systems were using my humiliating internal struggle as source material to watch as a show and cut through my efforts to keep me from being anyone, anywhere. Everything i struggled with, with my own self was available to them as a free show, yet they never freed me from it, they watched, they watched me in pain and nothingness, in humiliation and darkness. I meant nothing to them, they watched me struggle internally locked up for 20 years and then destroyed my face and skin out of their way.

The only regret if any that I had of the first twenty years was that in the controlled environment I wasn’t allowed to live as per my own connect with the world around me or to live as per my own choices to be freer in mind, expression and existence, or to communicate freely with people or any freedom of travel.

 I survived, I might not have. The first twenty years of control systems displaying their fear of a girl child of her inherent power of becoming her own woman.  Control the body, so that the body does not grow up and exert its control over you, control the heart, mind and choices it wants to make, so that, the heart and mind does not create it’s own new world and remains in the same control system it is born into, control the brain, so that every thought and idea can be extracted away from it and placed elsewhere, finally control the face and destroy it, so that the face does not become an identity of the person who owns it.  So threatened were these control systems of light dancing feet that were never given the music and dance they should have been trained for. So keen are these controlling systems in wanting to extract everything added to a childhood brain – the government owned tv watched, a childhood brought up on government owned property, being born to controlling families, classrooms attended and the price for attending them, that they never added newer life experiences to channelize it. I just wanted to be one of them, clearly they hated me too much to want me to be.
The first 20 years have been such a blur of bad memory in my life with no one close enough to talk to and the severe absence of Kashmir, its people, its natural surroundings and the education it provides that my personality and being got all distorted within the first 20 years of my existence in systems of Indian control. Clearly the innocence of early years is when a system that wants you destroyed can use your innocent brain, keep away important information from it, feed in lies and try to redirect a life away from reaching its aspirational potential just because control groups do not like your dna and dont want your dna to aspire to become a valuable human resource.

Now, you Indian power pimps have more scars from the first twenty years to use as source material and market to your own credit! Take my expression and sell your own shop on it and market it as your own life experiences and those of the people you sell! 

And those whose business has been made cutting me open, take whatever thought, dream, action, struggle, survival, written idea, experiences you extracted from these 20 years and market it as your own! As for the retired army colonel and his force feeding doctor wife, the colonel remains unaffected, that if i am not made into anything and don't exist anywhere, he should have nothing to do with it.