Because I have been used internally all of these 36-37 years in such a repressed way that it is necessary for my untapped spirit within to express all the experiences of external influences and throw that back into the public space so that even if a country like India never gave me the life or work to publicly share what i have been made to live through, bad experiences also need to be shared to save others from evil and conniving systems that try to destroy people who are inconvenient to them.
Because I have known since childhood that i was being played with in some way but not so that my life could be directed in any positive way to honour or hone my existence as a girl or bring out the best in me, instead to drive me to the worst within me. So i started keeping my journal since childhood to honour my own existence and i opted to study journalism in college, so i have a right to express my own self since i don't seek either any coverage by India or elsewhere and i don't seek any publicity of my existence through the Indian television businesses or elsewhere.
And of course since i have known already, that my existence in India has been more to be destroyed and dishonoured than to have been nurtured or channelised, questioning my own self and 'interviewing' my own self can create great humour for those internal systems in India or elsewhere who would still like to see me humiliated, internally or through their external systems, if that is what they seek.
Q) Is this the sort of existence you imagined for yourself at age 37?
A) In many ways, in the ignorance of my childhood I could not even imagine that we would be living in a world that is so closely connected and I did not even know that i would ever be allowed to apply myself according to my own thought and belief if i wanted to, so a lot of the conditioning i grew up with has given way to experiences i would have never imagined as a child. But in doing that, some of the life experiences i imagined for my own self never happened.
I have grown up within a certain family and not anybody else's family, i have grown up with the conditioning given within it through those family members and not somebody else's. I have grown up only in Delhi, India and no other city or country. And i have been brought up not knowing too many details of how i was being internally used through technology.
Q) So by age 37, much of your vanity has been damaged,especially that of your face?
Actually, i have been experiencing 'face-play' since childhood and initially it used to really confuse me how my face used to start resembling other peoples faces, but by seeing some recognisable faces on my face, i sensed there was some external influence and yet i lived with it and kept changing the course of my life and kept picking up new experiences to communicate. In a way, i lost consciousness of my face very early and never shared that with anyone because nobody was there to ask me what i was living through or tell me what was going on.
But i didn't know my face would be targeted with such monstrous hate of whatever internal systems decided to play with it that instead of the freedom of breathing with the face that i was born with and which has been toyed with through face-play technology for more than 3 decades now.
Even after living through that, i didn't know that milk i would consume would be adulterated with bacterial chemicals repeatedly to leave my face and skin destroyed with 'spotting' and puss and cum, that an internal system using my face and brain would then place those bacterial 'spots' on my face at strategic places on the face, repeatedly, Especially when i aspired to begin a working career all through years in Delhi and later Bombay.
I didn't know that while agreeing to spend these few years back in Delhi since 2012 instead of any other city in any other country, more hate against my face would be added with adulterated chemicals through salt intake so that i should be further sexually humiliated and start displaying facial fuzz and facial hair so more than the face, my sexuality has been targeted through this Indian experience.
And that sexuality of being born a girl has been targeted strategically since childhood and unfortunately all through 37 years of my life, i have been made to suffer for that in some way or the other in India.
Because these Indian systems knew at my birth that the face i am born is of Pakistani Kashmiri origin because our family was displaced from Muzzafarabad and brought to India and that my face will resemble the faces of Kashmir,Pakistan or other regions instead of Indian states. So they started using face-play technology on my face to INDIANISE my face by force...and leaving me in constant misery and confusion since childhood.
So, Instead of the face i was born with at birth, I have been 'given' a face that has been played with through face-play technology since childhood and a face that has been poisoned with adulterated chemicals to show puss,cum,cuts,pits,scars,facial fuzz and other hateful poisons on a face that grew up away from the qismat of cool mountain air that should have nurtured it.
And instead of any life direction to channelise my life, my face that was being played with through face-play technology and used since childhood by the army school in delhi for free stage show display, has been destroyed strategically, just as strategically as it was first used to make me 'apahij' about my face and to torment me.
So, i have never been the one who has run any business on my face, instead a face-play technology has been running its own business using my face, playing with it and trying to destroy it.
It is very clear, that my face has been targeted in India while the faces of their own Indian daughters have been nurtured and secured and beautified in foreign air and climates or even through face-business industries.
Q) So, it means an internal technology system that had been using and playing with your face, kept watching it being destroyed for 36 years?
Yes, that has been their intention, otherwise my life would have been different and my life experiences would have been different. My face would have been my own or it would have been part of any professional face-business career. Instead, it was played with to be destroyed since the innocence of childhood and then repeatedly destroyed through chemical additives in milk,salt.
Q) It sounds a little unbelievable that if such an investment of face-playing technology has been made on your face since childhood even till age 37 your face has never been adequately 'directed' or channelised by Indian film, TV system while a system itself has been playing with you internally?
Yes, because their intention was not to make me part of face-career businesses because that would have meant my face would have reached out to faces in Kashmir and Pakistan, it would have found recognition through the cultures and people I grew up disconnected from. Especially, if I would have been made a TV broadcast journalist in India and travel to Kashmir and other regions as I wanted to at age 18.
But the internal system was already 'using' me an a child actor for free stage show parts on the army school stage since childhood, whereas I wanted to seek knowledge and some basic education. Only even that basic education happened while this face-play technology was playing with my face and it isn't easy to concentrate on study while somebody is trying to play with the face through such a manipulative play technology and especially not letting me know about it.
It would have been so useful for me and these systems if they have told me since childhood what they were doing to me, so that my life could have been channelised in a more constructive way instead of being used discreetly and then destroyed away.
So, these internal Indian systems knew what was being done with me, how they were puppetting me and never shared those details with me.
Since I was directed towards the stage by the Indian army school, I did offer myself to theatre group workshops in Delhi and Bombay. But those are just experiences and not a working career and these stages in India, like the Asmita theatre group in Delhi and later Ekjute theatre group in Bombay that came out of free or paid theatre workshops but only gave me some humiliating stage parts to further destroy something within me and no real direction to life. Other than that, the one year that i spent at the Film and Television Institute of India, to study film scripting, offered me a few free in-house student projects to act in after i had worked and submitted written work, so they gave me the experience to be an actor in free video projects, living through the experience of applying professional make up and be called an 'actor' as well.
There has been no attempt to ever apply the depth of my feeling or personality. It has all been wasted in India. Not just that there has been no attempt to ever even communicate with me about myself. Other than humiliation of life destroyed year after year for three decades, all of that in my life has been systematically looted and used to add to other people's careers.
And that is all. No other offer for any credited work in India anywhere ever came to me that would have used my face in a professional way.
So, mine is not an actor-actress journey in any way, I havent been given that life to live other than some humiliating stage parts for derogatory drama forced on me since childhood.
Leave aside being considered an actor/actress to be given any direction to life, nobody in India since childhood in Delhi or Bombay ever wanted to know me or talk to me about me in any way, very rarely.
I am just somebody they deliberately misled and used since childhood and then destroyed away in as many ways as they could.
Q) So even after exposure at the Film and TV Institute of India and struggling since childhood in Delhi and Bombay, no Indian film director or TV system ever offered life to your face?
A) No. And that's how it is. It could be their disinterest in me or their ignorance in not knowing that I was a face that was being played with through face-play technology since childhood.
Or maybe their Internal system tips them internally and they know that my face has been destroyed or will be destroyed further so instead of giving it professional life, they know that the rest of my being and personality could be used as free source material instead and they could greenlight some other 'faces', whichever other 'face' they wanted to pay and popularise and run their business with.
I was never given a camera to photograph my face by my family, but later after mobile phones started developing cameras within them, i could now easily photograph the changing 'faces' on my face through the face selfie technique and that's how i like to preserve my existence still. I have access to online profiling, which gives some space to my existence.
I was 22 after being well directed away from TV broadcast journalism, that I made myself available to Bollywood for whatever life direction,guidance they would like to give to my life or whichever way they would like to use me. I have met several Indian film directors, I have lived within the prestigious Film and TV Institute of India and lived and struggled in Bombay till age 32 and yet these are my life experiences. And i have no working credit for any Indian film or television or advertising production. So India never gave me any professional beginning even after i was used internally since childhood. So, these highly pumped up, over publicised and overpaid Hindu directors and Hindi Hindu film star businesses of the Indian Hindu Hindi Indian film,tv business
have only watched me being further abused,destroyed and tormented and all of my own struggle and direction to survive, since nobody gave me any direction has been openly picked up and looted by these businesses to further their careers and businesses
Similarly, Hindu Indian TV journalism business and Hindu Indian TV business has enjoyed its business because that's where Indian money is hoarded and pumped in and Indian Hindu Politics business has marketed their own politics and politician business because that's how they get free source material to market their faces and political business.
What the internal system was trying to do instead was to exhaust me within my own face and being through the face-play technology and exhaust me in struggle instead of exhausting me in a visible career.
So the misery forced upon my face has been lived by my body and soul as well, I haven't been given a life or lifestyle of dress-up or grooming, when i needed it in childhood, we had no money, and later when my face was repeatedly destroyed away there was no purpose in aspiring to hoard fancy clothes. When my soul itself was massacred, my face brutally destroyed after being played with, what happiness would fancy dress up or hoarding clothes be able to give me.
Q) So instead of the strategic sexual humiliation given to your face, what else is life at the beginning of 37?
Not as a imagined as a child certainly because i wanted to keep working hard and struggling and that too without abandoning study. I imagined by this age, all the hard work would lead to some lived life. That I would be set free in every way, I would have a body of work and for that I would get the returns for all the struggle since childhood, that I could give back to my parents and family. Instead what I have is a life used internally, humiliated, destroyed, no beginning to any paid career still that would do justice to how i have been used since childhood and just some bad humiliating sexual experiences in India and no experience of marriage or motherhood. But by reading books and by access to the world wide web I have some new experiences added to my life that didn't exist when i was being conditioned growing up in Delhi but i cannot call them 'life', i can call it survival, of merely being alive each day of my life.
So my life has been made what it was while growing up in Delhi, of being a woman considered more animal than human to be caged within a room and be researched upon using various advanced technology strategies. But I learnt to read English so i can pick up any book to read, I can log on to the internet and I can write and express or share what I am feeling.
They have been playing with me, researching upon me and using me since childhood,whereas I have been enduring and resisting in some way or the other since childhood.
Instead of being a career artist or professional what the evil and conniving systems of India have used me as is a personality whose entire struggle of a lifetime since childhood has been looted at source, by playing with my face,brain internally and through external systems,whose entire struggle in every way can be looted to market some other career for some other face or body or professional and with a lifetime of a career that was never lived several other people can use it as free source material to further their own businesses and even film,tv,journalism,politics,prostitution careers.
Q) The Bombay life experience has left you even more tormented than the growing up in Delhi years?
A) Absolutely. Because in Delhi i was a child and ignorant and even though those years were miserable, in Bombay i was more aware how my life had been misled, I was more aware by then nobody was making as much use of me as i deserved and craved for. I was being wasted and destroyed further all while an internal technology system continued to 'play' with my face and brain. They watched me struggle in hostel rooms and local trains and buses and autorickshaws but the bombay air kept me alive since I was still alone with nobody to be there with me and the internal system was still enjoying my misery.
So, the Bombay city has a different character in my life than the Film,Tv prostitution business that sets up its shop there. Because most of the Film,TV prostitution business has been inherited by and given to Hindu Hindi Punjabi Papaji Babuji type families who have to loot and destroy other peoples lives and careers to further their own lifestyle through their film,tv business. Whereas Bombay city is still a lot more vibrant than that, even if there was a campaign to throw out 'North Indians' from Maharashtra during the years that I was living there.
So, it is not surprising that instead of more truth telling and original pieces work, The whole world knows the Indian film industry is about criminals, gangsters,drug addicts and is based on theft,copy,loot.
The Hindu Hindi Film family Film industry eventually is about their Directors and producers wiping the potty and piss off the Film family born film star eggs and that is all their end will be, it's their genitilia where Hindi film directors pump up and save their looted money. Then these faces,bodies,genitilia are meant to built up with crores of investment into Hindu gods and goddesses,kings and queens so that all that marketing is eventually routed towards the Hindu vote banks of the Hindu political business and the internal system of India could enjoy a big fat prostitution business from film,tv and politics.
Then, the Directors,Producers of Bombay started pumping their money into foreign faces and bodies which really meant they arranged more lifestyle and flights for people whose childhood was already flown around in several countries by their families. Because by doing that, more of the Film family eggs whose parents flew them to multiple foreign countries since childhood and really have no lifestyle issues to enter film,tv prostitution could continue their lifestyles and businesses and their businesses could continue through generation to generation of egg laying.
Q) But what about your life and career? Have you ever even known how to live it?
Ans) I have known struggle and that is all there is for me since childhood. I have known hard work and effort and I have known stumbling through the dark looking for survival and direction with no one to guide me. I have been used in various ways through the education years in India but even despite hard work and effort that is not what makes a working career because that's just when an innocent child like me got used for free as free human resource to be exhausted without ever being told that an evil internal technology system was already using me on 'show' bare in every way, the details of which have still not been revealed to me.
But all that effort has never been realised into my working career. Because they began destroying me instead, physically especially by destroying my face.
And the experiences in Bombay soon after my education years made my life experiences in India even worse.
It's as if, it is known internally that all of the thought within my brain is meant to be read at source, all of my struggle to myself within notebooks or into my computer, even while was being read internally had no meaning, all my struggle of placing myself available for work never realised my career potential, so all of me gets looted at source with no guidance or direction for me. While i am 'directed' to be caged within the room of the same family where I am born, like a woman unwanted, unrealised to be abandoned to it's own birth givers with no one else willing to claim her, while being used in every way internally.
So, some other person gets to live the life and career I should have been living, working,earning from as my lifetime that i deserved, forgetting what dna i am made of. So, Somebody else gets direction to act, someone else gets to make the film, someone else is taken on journeys, someone else gets bought and sold in the advertising industry of India, someone else gets to be writer or co-writer.
Instead, they used my desperation of struggle within to destroy me and loot me at source, all the while continuing to 'PLAY" with my face through technology to continue the misery of struggle for me. I feel their hate, I feel they wanted to watch me be destroyed and not be 'made', the way they 'made' the careers of their own Indian children effortlessly guiding them to independence and happiness.
So the life experiences and career experiences for me have been very bad in India. My own life, potential, career has never been realised and has never begun in India. I have been cheated of my own life and looted from within. But that has made me see the 'real' faces of India so I got to see what sort of people Indians are behind the faces they sold on their Indian television and film which i was made to consume as a child in Delhi.
At 22 when i was full of youthful energy to work and to see the world and journey and begin applying myself creatively, I was refused work to be an assistant director in Bollywood or aspiring to write for them. I picked up some skills from the FTII after that and blessed them for allowing me in but in the years to follow I was still never given any film-making skills in India. I was expected to keep struggling within my notebook and computer with just a small handycam for company in life and found myself living low income careers, struggling from local trains and half rooms, hostel, to buses and autorickshaws all the while my misery was being 'watched' internally through the technology system show.
It would have been so easy for any of these People in India to take me on as their assistant director or to commission me to be their writer or even co-writer but despite several years of personal effort into my computer and notebooks i was never given that life. Instead, my own personal struggle gets looted at source and that gets added to further their lives and businesses or of those they 'greenlight' for work, which was never me.
Neither did they make any use of the Face-play technology which was being used to play with my face to give me the actor's journey, but i feel those Indians are just ignorant people, despite hoarding work credits to their name and money in their bank, and i wish the best for their prosperous and fulfilling careers in acting and film making, just as the Indian tv broadcasting industry and tv advertising industry prospered, but i will never consume their content. So all they have lost is one person's viewership, whereas I have lost all of my career and a lot of my life within.
Q)So, you have never been wanted by these systems?
Ans) No. It doesn't take so long to know. It takes a meeting with any employer to know whether they want to 'make' something out of you or not. And the rest of the life is planned and lived accordingly. Just like the Army system that used me in their army school years, the Bombay industry also know who they want and those people are brought to them in a secure way, I am instead expected to "show up", "Land up" on my own to live a humiliating life. I haven't been brought anywhere driven in Army carriages or any other. I board trains, local buses,local trains, autorickshaws. They didn't want me, it has always been clear to me. I have been good enough to be used by them, as long as i am available free to be used, uncredited. Everything more professional than that is lived by others, their own! It's not a new experience for me in India, just as i have never been shown into the busy Indian television journalism broadcasting business industry, I have never been shown into the real making of the Indian Hindi film or tv business, though I picked up some insights from hanging around on the outside.
When they make people professionally they do it effortlessly when they don't want to, the way they didnt want me, they will find someone shorter or taller, darker or fairer, younger or older, richer or poorer, fatter or thinner, they will find any reason to not make or to destroy.
True, the army began readying me since primary school, but i am not any pampered army 'baby' or brat since i saw very little army life, have no experience of their army cantonment lifestyle or resources and mostly grew up in a civil area and saw my army serving father only after he stopped serving the Indian army. But, yes the army school milked and used and exhausted me as much as they could in extraneous activities in their school all through my schooling there but didn't really bother or care about me in real life, so i've been very sure that they did not like me from the beginning and probably detested me more over the years as i wanted to know, investigate and educate myself.
I am sure India's army is a well settled business by now and know their business interests and stake in art and entertainment, they know what unwanted dna and childhood like mine they had to mislead or exploit or exhaust and similarly they know about others who they have to protect and secure and consider their own and to market professionally in the marketplace for good price!
Besides my father has been the representative of the Indian army in my life and he never shied away from humiliating and mocking me in several ways and forcing his own choices and demands on me in the name of 'discipline' which really amounted to wasted life and time and the humiliation and mock has not ceased even at this age, so i already know that i cannot have any expectations from anyone or anything that has to do with the Indian army in any way.
Everyone knows that the Indian army has secured the lives and genuinely marketed and bought and sold the careers of several prostitutes of various faces,skin and girth in Film, fashion,advertising,indian broadcasting tv journalism and maybe even film making and television but I am not one of them.
Q) So, instead of making use of your presence or creative potential, the Indian system especially in Bombay wasted you intentionally?
Ans) Absolutely. It seems, despite watching me struggle all alone, they have intentionally left me inexperienced so that i get wasted away instead of being channelised because by being channelised my effort would have been channelised to my own name and face instead of their puppets or businesses. I have no experience of being commissioned to write or co-write any film or tv for India, I have no experience of being introduced to the working of professional cameras in India. I have no experience of any journey made to anywhere with any India film or tv system and obviously i have no direction given by any Indian film or tv to my face,body or personality. Instead, all of my struggle from classroom hardwork to public transport struggle, to struggling to meet film makers and deciding on choices of whose work to be a part of, and the struggle within my notebooks and computer and the choice and effort of book reading and the choice of deciding and imagining locations of interest is all looted at source to run their own Indian businesses and while our home and family struggles they enjoyed a big,lavish moneyed party on it leaving me abandoned and not part of any work credit that came out of my own struggle. It is done openly, it is done repeatedly, it is done by their party between film,tv,advertising and even indian politics. Whereas there has been no professional beginning for me anywhere in the Indian system.
It can be anything from film titles, characters,situations,locations or the creative journey alone that came out of my struggle of blood but the Indian system has openly raped me of my life and career and they have enjoyed fat prostitution moneyed parties on it.
They have some sort of a system, where they steal content because all of their film family egg laying system is made on the basis of theft, thats how they hoard crores directly looting someone elses struggle and after they steal they expect i will show up there to put up the drama of a fight with them to beg for work, whereas I would rather not breathe those people or consume any of the films or tv they make. I was an innocent child in Delhi when i consumed Indian content and i have had to pay with my life for that.
So, I have no experience of even attending any Bollywood event in Bombay or any other Indian event while being in Delhi. It's like I don't exist for them,even while they rape me of life and career.
And you know they party a lot and celebrate a lot of events on a daily basis and they do dress up their own women a lot,
but then i know the truth that i am not from their Indian states as their Indian daughter or of foreign moneyed blood, I am of Muzzafarabadi,Azad Kashmiri descent in India and despite living and aspiring to work with them, they will never regard me as their own, their Indian system will use me to direct their hate towards me.
They play with me since birth, their game is to watch me struggle and then to destroy me when they see signs of effort and success in me, then they watch me struggle to pick up new skills and then they try to harm and destroy again in whatever way they can. Their job is to loot whatever they see me struggling to do and then they cut me off from that struggle and they are paid and marketed to become and live that struggle professionally instead, whether in Delhi or Bombay or anywhere else. so they mislead me towards the stage and then become the prostitute actress in me in the stage, film, tv business, they become the science professional in me, they become the broadcast journalist in me, they become the writer, film writer, film maker in me, they become the political service aspirant in me. because I am not the one they make part of their work, their business is only to 'play' with me, they access my struggle and then they are paid and marketed to live it professionally instead.
Q) Why have you repeatedly insisted on travelling to Kashmir?
Ans) Because growing up in the stillness of Delhi, I have missed Kashmir immensely. I grew up listening to narrations from my parents, especially my mother who studied medicine and grew up there. and I kept realising how much i was missing travelling to and knowing Kashmir while we were in Delhi, we had been there only once and had nowhere else to travel to throughout the Delhi years. So the moment i came of age, I wanted to use my broadcasting experience and travel to Kashmir as a broadcast journalist. That dream was never realised in India, although i studied about it.
Then, I never succumbed to foreign education that i was offered, i experienced it and returned to India to be closer to travelling to Kashmir and continued to read, write about it. Even during the year abroad the childhood photograph with my parents and me in Kashmir kept me company.so i knew where i wanted to be.
All through Pune at the FTII and Bombay i wrote about Kashmir in an imaginary way, then i wanted to meet people living in Kashmir and started consuming a lot of visuals from Kashmir online and i realised instantly what i had been missing.
Once again, it would have been so easy for the Indian film industry to take me on a journey to Kashmir, but i am not the one they take along with them, so instead I am expected to keep struggling alone as an unwanted individual, board a flight alone and show up wherever i want to and that's what i did in 2011 finally.
So,in India its as though my struggle has never mattered, that i don't exist even while i had been standing in front of those in Delhi and Bombay, that the blood on my face never mattered to them. I felt they had been enjoying their own Indian party and i was not meant to force myself into it. Instead, Kashmir agreed to become my imaginary virtual parallel universe and began healing all the confusion of childhood and the scars of youth.
LOTS MORE QUESTIONS,MANY MORE ANSWERS
No comments:
Post a Comment