BEING STRATEGICALLY DESTROYED IN INDIA

PUNE, BOMBAY YOU WERE THE WORST WITH ME, YOU KILLED MY FACE AND SKIN, GAVE ME NO WORK CREDIT, STOLE MY STUDY AND STRUGGLE AND PAID YOUR OWN SELVES, LEFT ME AS A SINGLE FEMALE ALONE ON THE STREETS, PUBLIC SPACES, PUBLIC TRANSPORT, UNPAID AND ALONE SINCE 2002 TO 2012 WITH NO INVITATION TO ANY EVENT, NO BEGINNING TO ANY PERSONAL OR PROFESSIONAL WORK OTHER THAN THE LOWEST PAID JOB WHICH WAS COPIED AND STOLEN AWAY.

No life exists for me, Smriti Vij despite being used and made to struggle since Childhood. At 37 years of being used in India since childhood, all i own is a phone and a laptop given to me recently by my parents and occasionally some second hand video camera available at the lowest price of 5000-20,000 rupees. The only other things i have are paper notebooks and some books. 

All of the Life that i was meant to live has been looted and stolen by Indians who themselves live all the commercial opportunities in India and abroad but very strategically looted all of my struggle and never made me part of their commercial careers or any life to live. Even at age 37 despite being used since childhood No money is given to my life that I could live life with or give to my parents. My life was accessed and used for free or for the lowest income of 5 or 10-000 rupees occasionally otherwise mostly all of my life has been used for Free in India by Indians. The only part of 'life' i am given to live is getting meaningless 'dreams' thrust into my brain, meaningless talk spit into my brain and any unwanted breath forced into my brain and breath and all of my life accessed bare in every way from within a room. They themselves are powerful people living life and careers whereas there is no beginning to my life and everything from my life breath, to brain,to body is accessed. There is no marriage or career or profession or life to live. 

Of course the visible part of the way they destroy me since childhood through remote access technology is the way they tormented me by destroying my face and they are still 'playing' that on me by force, especially if i ever videograph myself they force in Indian faeces on my face, especially of South Indians,Bengalis,Scheduled Castes,Punjabis etc. Very often they force in Male Indian faeces or their female Indian faeces that look like males on my face by force. They do this to sexually torment me publicly in a visible way which they did to me since childhood and expected I will 'get used' to it. The Head rapist sits wherever they are located and with remote access technology still goes on raping my own face to force these faeces in. I am sure they must be getting the 'entertainment' they wanted by tormenting and destroying me as they exploit me through remote access technology every time they force a male or indian faeces on my muzzafarabadi face. Very rarely do they place any other faeces on my face. They have tormented me since childhood and my life as a girl and woman has been destroyed in every way.

As a child I aspired to live any working life like all people should and earn a life to live and breathe some fresh air anywhere because I was kept indoors in Delhi government service flats and houses for years together that my parents had earned with their service in India with nowhere to go. But while the army school was watching me wasted and destroyed while trying to exhaust me for free stage curricular activities I didn't know as a child that some evil remote access technology system was at work to 'deface' me of my Muzzafarabadi Azad Kashmiri face since birth to force in the faeces of Indians on my face through remote access technology systems because i recognized some familiar faces appearing on my face since childhood and very often my lips were forced to make kiss pouts and other strange contortions by force since childhood which was even captured on video footage whereas i was in misery. Some remote access technology system abusing me was forcing my lips into kiss pouts for many days and weeks together, i didn't know what they were doing, i tried to make other contortions with my lips, not knowing what was happening, i tried chewing gum over it because my family members were mocking me and laughing at me hideously for what was happening to my lips.

And nobody ever told me how were the other ways i was being remotely accessed. whether they used me bare, which means all my sexual life with my own self was available to them since my childhood which they remotely 'participated' in and all of my efforts in studying and all my thought and aspiration and misery while being caged in Delhi was available to them through remote access and yet nobody came to me to lead or direct or help me in any way and they watched me suffer in misery. 

Did they even modify and play with my own brain,thought,feeling other than my face since childhood to puppet it the way they wanted, the way the remote access system is now displaying to me in my brain??? As a child, despite the ways in which i was being used i wanted to study and not be wasted away in becoming a passive consumer of India and worked very hard at attending every day of the Indian system sacrificing every other part of childhood and life and sacrificing every enjoyment other than the life within my home and family. I worked hard to study whatever the Indian system sold in their school and only on my own and my parents insistence because I didn't want to be an academic failure the way the Indian army school system was directing me to be by exploiting and exhausting me in all their free on stage and other activities. I studied science till 12th standard with good marks after rigorous effort and struggle as per my parents wish, appeared for medical entrance exams after studying for them, in the years to follow I studied for management entrance examinations and was put on the wait list and studied for and cleared other entrance examinations like India's law which I did not want to study. I could have spent all that time or effort on any other routine in Life or on my own self or personal grooming none of which was ever given to me in any stage of my life. 

I had hope that when you struggle you will get the returns for it because hardwork and effort is the only way but since my fathers family is of Muzzafarabadi origin i don't experience India the same way as Indians are made to, despite hardwork and struggle and being used. But I wanted to investigate the misery that I was suffering in ignorance in every way internally so I aspired to study Journalism in the Indian system and hoped to learn, earn,live through a working life. And though the college system of India did add more real education and life than the Indian army mediocre school system did life was still only about unpaid struggle and it added some answers to my curiousness of Kashmir that I specifically wanted to reconnect with where my parents are from.  Soon after, my face that was still being 'played with' internally through remote access technology and skin was destroyed away with spots,cuts puss and scars and now with chemically induced facial hair through adulterated chemicals to humiliate me physically,visibly and sexually yet again while now also use remote access technology to pull off clumps of hair from my hair, claiming they are showing, 'autumn/patjhad' by pulling off the hair on my head by force. At other times they use remote access technology to forcibly destroy and tangle my naturally straight,long hair which was mostly kept cut since childhood.

 Over the years that I struggled in Bombay I was given minor jobs and yet another attending classroom experience but never any introduction to the Indian commercial systems or made part of any creative work despite struggle,effort,merit,talent,availability, I was still treated as the unwanted outsider aspiring to be living and working in India in any way who was still kept at a distance to the real goings on of the Indian system while I kept struggling, still alone aspiring to meet people, aspire to work, still study, still be alone in Indian public transport systems with the lowest income Indians could pay me or otherwise being used for free. 

Instead of giving me any creative life or career which could heal me of the ways in which i was exploited since childhood, they considered me murdered and dead to waste me and destroy me further and each one of them took turns to loot away as much as they could from my creative struggle,effort,written and creative direction, personal struggle including my need and desire to desperately reconnect with Kashmir and placed their prostitutes and their careers and businesses and their own careers,work credit and businesses on it with no beginning to any life or career for me while the remote access technology system continued to eat into my face,brain,body forcing other faeces on my face and accessing and using my brain and body watching me struggle in miserable circumstances. 

The more the Bombay film, tv pimps could cut and copy me off and destroy and humiliate and stop me from any life or career, the more money and media publicity was pumped in their businesses and work credit and those of their prostitutes. Delhi media and political business pimps did the same thing in looting away my struggle and placing their copies and prostitutes commercially and now they all continue their party together to shove more power, media publicity,fame, money, work experience in their own faeces,names and genitals. Their commerical face and name marketing industry in Bombay and Delhi operates by looting off my struggle, not making me part of their system professionally or in any other and then paying,employing and marketing puppets through which they can market any misleading visible puppet into their audiences and peoples brains and eyes to sell lies such as I am living some paid prostitution pleasure life or I have enjoyed married lives or breeding children or even that I have been given any clothes to wear while they continue lying to, looting, cheating their own people.

Over the years it became clear that Indians were not leading me towards life but towards destruction or self destruction. They were not applying my being or personality or creative aspiration in any way and were looting of my own being in every way while I kept struggling with no income and no life. This country India and it's people that I was made to be one with and consume through their Indian media,film,tv,news, didn't want me to be one with them and showed their hate towards me in every way. While of course the remote access technology still kept eating at my face,brain,body,nervous system as I struggled alone with pen,paper,computer. Indians didn't even give me a life where my body could be applied in any way or that I could even aspire to make purchases of clothes despite my body available to them for free show probably because the remote access system was already accessing,using,abusing my face and body internally since childhood while indians didn't even give me any caring human touch externally. They looted me of even smaller joys of life.Indians directed my life towards their old systems like free show stage where i was occasionally used for free to be staged and shown to be humiliated and not directed towards any life or towards tabloid print otherwise they only watched me still struggling in their system with even my face and skin being destroyed through adulterated chemicals. While they directed me towards free show stage, pen and paper while looting me of every other aspiration while i was innocent and ignorant they trained their own Indian children in all contemporary professional and commercial careers with technical skills like commercial radio,Commercial television entertainment,commercial TV news, commercial advertising industries,commercial corporate businesses, commercial film making and even commercial politics. They gave them professional work credit, professional creative work, they gave them money,careers, travel,clothes,lifestyle,money to make homes, media coverage and invited them to their parties and lived life with them and applied them creatively and gave them life to live. They made their own children struggle through work where the struggle shows and they are paid for that struggle whereas Indians kept and 'watched' me struggling alone and for free for their own use. While everything from my face, brain, aspiration,creative struggle, career was cut open to be used as free source material.  Bombay pimps of the film, tv business were only directed internally to 'copy' me off of every struggle,effort,idea,destiny,success which meant they looted all of my life and career and never made me part of their work either and were paid money after money to make their own work and those of their puppet prostitutes with their faeces and names publicised in the media and their own businesses flourishing with no beginning to my life or career. I had already stopped consuming India's television of their ongoing TV party 20 years ago and now I don't even consume any Bombay film poison party either and only now can i realise in how many ways i was used and kept strategically ignorant and looted off of all of my life. The world wide web kept me aware of contemporary life in the World and about Kashmir while Indians were enjoying their own party. All through these years the world was still in conflict with global terrorism dominating the news whereas Indians were flourishing with careers,professions,travel,income,lives to live. I am kept alive in India to be kept indoors with a plate of food and access to the world wide web whereas everything from my face,brain,body was abused,destroyed in every way and all of my life,career aspiration,struggle,written word,envisioned idea,thought,success was looted off by Indians. So, all of my life in India along with the remote access technology system eating at me since childhood is about my face being raped and skin destroyed, with my body abused,wasted or accessed bare all for free of course with all my effort,study,struggle looted with no beginning to any life,career and no beginning to any earning income and no aspiration of home making,marriage or childbirth. Every thing I reveal about how I have been abused and destroyed in India instead of living a promising life falls on deaf ears and blind eyes because the systems that pimped me since childhood and the systems that used and destroyed me pay off the people who copy,mislead or destroy me instead of giving me life or work credit or a career.

Everything I struggled with since childhood and in Delhi and Bombay has been used as free source material to make and market other peoples lives and careers with no beginning to my life or career.The way my own face,brain,breath was looted from within me since childhood through remote access technology, my own being has been obliterated from my own struggle,effort and destiny and despite struggle since childhood for more than 3 decades I don't exist anywhere professionally. 

Indian systems have exploited me in ways that my life is made available to them to be used for free in every way and that I get no returns, financial or any other for all of my struggle and effort, leave aside merit or talent.

My life experiences in India are of being destroyed away in every way, strategically used,humiliated,abused,looted of every joy,happiness as well as of every struggle,effort,success. 

It is no surprise that India has strategically tried to destroy,loot and kill every Kashmiri citizen in whichever way they can, regardless of religion through abusive force and all other strategies and Indians continue their own noisy parties, celebrating,partying,breeding.

 A MEANINGLESS LIFE IN INDIA

Indians used me since childhood since I was born here, I never wished any ill for anyone, not even an Indian, but over the years I realised that those Indians were wishing ill and bad things for me and that they were not my own people, I imagined myself to be growing up among my own people and was made to consume their Indian film and television and Indian education, but I realised despite my struggle since childhood they never considered me their own. They were wishing me ill, giving me hateful and jealous taunts, they didn't want me to live and prosper among them. 

An Internal remote control technology system had access to my bare face,brain,body,vagina since my childhood, but I was never told about it, the army school that started using and exhausting me in their extraneous extra curricular activities, never really bothered to train or groom my face,brain,body according to their military standards, I only managed to travel a little during the early years of my childhood along with my parents and as a family and after that it was years of being forced to live indoors a civil government area in Delhi. 

I still never spoke ill against anyone, not even an Indian. I had no other people of my own, other than family members and thought they were also our people.

Over the years, I realised, that Indians had plotted to abuse my life in every way, so that i was available as a face,brain,body to abused by them and over the years wherever i struggled I only realised they were not making me part of their happy, flourishing Indian systems. At every stage, they tried to destroy whatever I succeeded in, internally they were abusing my face,brain,body and every year of struggle they tried new ways to cut,destroy wherever i struggled, but for their own children they arranged all opportunities and gave them lives and careers.

My face, was raped and murdered since my childhood, they forced in their own Indian faces on my own face and never told me what they were doing to me, all my childhood was in misery, eventually they killed my skin through adulterated chemicals in adulterated milk and salt. Killing and murdering my face and skin, will not 'beautify' their own Indian faces which they spend crores of money on fake film,television,make-up,studious,lighting etc on, but appreciating my own kashmiri face and skin among their own people would have made them beautiful, which they will never be now, they will remain ugly and hideous in my memory forever.

My human body which was being accessed remotely through an advanced technology system which can remotely access the brain,face,body and do whatever they want with it, 'played' with me, watching me slide my vagina onto wood pieces and metal railings but never came to me to heal or stop or direct me. They must have watched me bare since childhood without bothering what happens to my own face,brain,body,vagina which they had access to and were 'playing with'.

Although the Indian army school was exploiting my childhood through extraneous on-stage parts where i was meant to show up in old hand-me down clothes of my own relatives or just show up despite academic struggle along side which they possibly wanted to destroy, India never gave me any stage parts of stage experiences and nothing worth remembering. their stage directors of bombay and delhi only exploited me on stage with humiliating parts with no direction to life and gave no memory worth remembering. Since I was not given any camera access by my family, I do not have my own memories of a rotten filth Indian childhood either. I do not consume Indian direction any more.

I struggled to be a part of broadcasting, I struggled with radio speech training along with studying science. Indians eventually never made me part of their own radio broadcasting or television broadcasting resources or lifestyles. I gave myself into public broadcast radio for several years at the lowest payment but I was neither shown into their Indian commercial radio business where they sell junk and filth and earn money, nor was I ever shown their television business, of entertainment of journalism, where they sell lies and commercial businesses. For their own Indian children of all colours, shapes, sizes they opened all professional career doors in radio and television, entertainment and journalism and gave them education,technical training, salaries,travel, careers.
I do not consume any India radio or television any more.

My family had made me consume old Indian films since childhood and that cost me a lot of time in my childhood and even though I struggled to be one with Indians in their film, they directed to keep me caged within my own family with the lowest income and never considered me a part of their own selves. I forced my self into their film school where they didn't want me and consumed old films from other parts of the world and began writing. Although they did lead me to a low income desk job, they never made me part of any credited work.

India's system is designed to kill and copy, so while all through my years in Bombay, they killed me from all work credit, they copied and stole everything I struggled to write alone and gave it their own Indian names and furthered their own businesses.

Although I struggled on the streets of Bombay, in half rooms, in public transport systems on roads,buses,trains and eventually led into scheduled caste servant quarter apartments, they gave me no train or flight ticket to anywhere and showed me no part of India other than Pune, Bombay. 

Although Indian 'film directors' showed off how they were paid monies to make film,after film and how they ran their businesses, Indian's did not give me any technical training or access to any of their resources or cameras and obviously never directed to make me into a film director either.

Although Bombay city runs 24.7 powered entertainment shows, they never invited me or showed me any of their lives or shows. 

All along the remote technology remote control system was still watching me alone on the streets of Bombay and killing my own face and playing with my brain and body. I had no other life to live.

Only because of the world wide web, I could reconnect with places and people, Although I was reading books and educating my own self, with access to google search and social media places, I could keep educating my own curiosity and connect with people in Kashmir.

In India my face,brain,body were all made part of mock shows to be wasted,destroyed,humiliated and no beginning ever given to my professional or personal life, every part of my face and human body has been severely humiliated by Indians and sold internally as mock shows.

Indian's never gave me any financial independence either with the lowest paying ,5,000-20,000 jobs in places where otherwise lakhs and crores of money are thrust in and forced me to be dependent on my own parents.

Since 2012, the remote technology system began openly accessing my face,brain,body from within the room in Delhi where I came to live with my parents, They wanted it to be the worst experience for me, where they wanted to stop me further from becoming a part of their professional commercial Indian public systems and sold mock shows out of my face,brain,body, fed me more adulteration, did whatever they wanted to my face,brain,body through their remote access technology and continued to watch me alone on the streets of Delhi never coming to give me any professional life to live, or any other life here,, while stealing every part of my struggle in their Indian systems and giving work after work, career after career to their own Indian daughters of Indian hindu parents. 

Indians take the worst of their people and give them the best of the resources accessible to them but despite abusing me since childhood since my availability to them, they never made me part of their credited work.

It isn't me who didn't want to be one with Indians, I was born and brought up here, I lived here, I struggled with Indian faces forced on my face since childhood, I studied in their education system sacrificing my own pleasures despite being exploited by their school and college, I struggled within their public spaces, public half rooms and public transport, all alone, it is Indians who didn't want me among them, it is Indian's who got me caged back into the same family I am born in, it is Indians who willed to destroy my face,personality,speech,character in every way so that they could openly copy and steal every part of my struggle and use it as free source for their Indian daughters and Indian sons and even foreigners.

They have watched every year of my life wasted and destroyed, with no professional or personal beginning to my life, that's how they kill, copy and steal and that's how they earn crores of stolen money, never paying me anything, never making me a part of their lives in India.

I do not consume Indians any more.

Indian film director pimps are so busy in getting paid to wipe the piss and potty off film family born film star eggs to create work and money and career for them that a childhood like mine that was used, abused internally through remote technology meant nothing to their blind eyes and piss brains to give any career or life to me.

    Indian film director pimps are so busy in    getting  paid to wipe the piss and potty off film family born film star eggs to create work and money and career for them that a childhood like mine that was used, abused internally through remote technology meant nothing to their blind eyes and piss brains to give any career or life to  me. 

Now film family film star eggs are broken at birth to be made into media stories for filth tabloid media to shove more work and money and publicity into the genitals of their film family film star pimp parents. It's their money and work minting Media business plan.

 Meeting film family eggs is such a bad omen and bad experience for the life or career of a struggler like me who was used and made to struggle since childhood for three decades with no realisation of a professional career because all the struggle, effort, is rerouted, redirected towards furthering the careers and businesses of film family film star eggs and their pimps and prostitutes cutting me away from any life or career and further murdering any aspiration.

Even beginning with 2008 when i was still in filth city Bombay, Indians could have given me 10 years of career of any kind, till 2018 instead they gave me nothing other than 10 years of mock, 10 years of humiliation, 10 years of being used,wasted,destroyed further and 10 more years of being used through remote access to be wasted and abused.

Even beginning with 2008 when i was still in filth city Bombay, after a struggle since childhood and being destroyed in several ways and surviving. Indians could have given me 10 years of career of any kind, till 2018, instead they gave me nothing other than 10 years of mock, 10 years of humiliation, 10 years of being used,wasted,destroyed further and 10 more years of being used through remote access to be wasted and abused while they ran career after career raping my life and aspiration.
6 out of these 10 years have been lived within a room in Delhi from where they have been wasting and destroying, using and mocking and humiliating me further to waste and destroy my life and career in every way while furthering their own.

But i was too kind to understand even then that their Indian systems, their prostitution schools and pimp colleges , their indian systems were designed to destroy me, waste me, mock and humiliate me in every way so that they loot my struggle in every way, that i am shown at my worst being the worst and they waste and destroy me from any life and career.

There is still no account of how they raped my life and career aspiration since childhood. How they used me by remote access technology to destroy me since childhood for 37 years now.

IN THESE 10 YEARS SINCE 2008 TO 2018 IN THE NAKED BROTHEL FILM,TV CITY OF BOMBAY THEY GAVE WORK AND WORK, FILM AND FILM, TV AND TV, CAREER AND CAREER TO NAKED PROSSES, COVERED PROSSES, TRAINED PROSSES, UN-TRAINED PROSSES, ADULT PROSSES, MINOR PROSSES, OLD PROSSES, OLD PROSSES RE-MARKETED, NEW PROSSES, CHILDREN OF PROSSES, PARENTS OF PROSSES, FAMILY BRED PROSSES, RICH PROSSES, POOR PROSSES, PROSSES OF FAMOUS PARENTS, PROSSES WHO  MADE THEIR PARENTS FAMOUS, SINGING PROSSES, DANCING PROSSES, FAT PROSSES, SHORT PROSSES, TALL PROSSES, EGG PROSSES


I hate you indians more than you hated me.

"I have been used through i.t and other free to use ways since childhood, Any of the Indian pimp film tv directors of INDIA could have given me any career in any stage of my life, They Did not, they watched me being destroyed"

"I have been used through i.t and other free to use ways since childhood, Any of the Indian pimp film tv directors of INDIA could have given me any career in any stage of my life, They Did not, they watched me being destroyed"


"I was in Bombay till 2012 and i am happy that i will never see the gutters of bombay again. From 2012 my life has been remotely accessed from within my room in Delhi to further waste and destroy me from life and a career "

" I am happier that i do not need to give my presence or friendship or service to any Indian whether in the gutters of Bombay or the power pimp education city Delhi after all my life has been wasted in struggle since childhood, because they will always be given some other body prostitute or some other physical body to be physically present with them in their work and life and to give a career to and make professional careers for, like they did while watching me being destroyed further. All of it has been such a bad experience.''

"It is no surprise that the pimp directors of the Bombay film tv brothel kept adding more work more career more clothes shoes underwear and flight tickets to film family born eggs because when they loot and destroy careers and struggles like mine thats where they pump looted money. But more than money it is about the career lived by looting other peoples struggle."


"I am  more thankful to the SHRAM SADHANA TRUST HOSTEL OF BOMBAY for giving me half a room to live in Bombay during my years there than for any of the indian school, college or other institute for using me as a student."

"It feels like a wretched life at 37 to be made to struggle in every way since childhood and never be given a professional career to live. It only feels all 37 years of my life in struggle were meant to be used as free source material with no realisation of my own career or life"

"Despite being used for free since childhood  and made to struggle since childhood and for 37 years now indians eventually kept my career within the 5,000 - 15,000 monthly salary bracket or used me for free. And this they have done to me who got used and exploited since childhood, who chose to live in India instead of some other country and whose parents selflessly served india in the army and medicine.''

"They are using such an advanced technology system against me for 3 decades now to suck life and breath out of me that they gave me no career or any financial independence that comes with it. '' 

Bombay film pimps never gave me a beginning to any credited work but whatever I struggled with, whatever I succeeded in, whatever I studied and wrote out, they stole every part of it and now they had access to free source material and a ready made blood life struggle they began using as free source material to cast their prostitutes and film family eggs and all of them ate, earned and partied into it. A lifetime of struggle and study with no beginning despite being accessed and abused since childhood, all copied and stolen out, with no life or returns or work or life experience whatsoever. 
They just cut open my life and struggle and stole and copied every word, effort, life experience of struggle, if they had given me work credit for all my struggle that they stole and made me part of work, I would have not just work credit but life to live.

What about the returns I was to get out of the struggle for my parents and any beginning to my own aspirations????

The Bombay film,tv brothel of India is the worst filth of India put on display, they are still living in the time of the dead past when a handful of film family eggs and their prostitutes were given freedom and hoards of monies and material lifestyle and foreign travel to be and make and when the freedom of everyone else was taken away, but now people are free, to be and show and make themselves online and in other ways that didn't exist earlier. 


Consuming Indian film,tv,ad filth business is consuming dead past where they only want to use you as a consumer and out of that they copy,loot,steal and then run their monies,banks, travel and monkey business. 

Happy to never consume any Indian film,tv,ad.

DIALOGUE-GING with INDIA in the INDIAN LANGUAGE OF HATE

DO NOT READ THIS PAGE IF YOU DO NOT WANT INDIAN DIALOGUE POISON TO REACH YOUR EYES, BRAIN OR LIPS,

So, the Indian film brothel 'Bollywood'(while they must be shoving publicity cameras and foreign currency into their genitals as they monkey-dance or filth monkey direct worldwide for money) where I was since age 22 never made me part of any of their credited creative work in any capacity so I have no Indian film or television credit, instead they looted me of all of my being and struggle to further filth media publicity for their own selves and their businesses and work career.

So many things that they added to their 'characters' 'situations' filth cinema and media personas could not come from their own indian monkey brains, so they raped mine and used my own being and brain as free source material to further the filth they sell from their daddy,grand-daddy inherited film production companies and pocketed media publicity in their own name instead on filth indian media and paid news channels.

I don't have any media persona in India or any life or career in India, film,tv or anywhere else and if somebody were to destroy my online presence as well then i wouldn't exist at all.

But on my insistence, the Indian film and tv institute did allow me for a year as a student of their scriptwriting, quite a fair trade off for all the filth Indian content in terms of Indian film and television that i consumed since birth for a certain number of years that had accumulated as Indian junk in my brain to keep me nothing more than rotten. Yes of course in the Indian film brothel bollywood they pay their Indian filth makers to write and sell junk,not me of course but that’s how they poison future generations when they aren’t busy being paid to make their male female acting prostitutes flash their genitals in the name of cinema and music to reach out to their children, So I’ll give you filth dialogue for free the way your Indians looted my career struggle for free. After all it was Indians who wanted to 'direct' me to destroy my own speech and speak their Language of abusive filth.  If their Indian penis had given me some other direction, i would have probably returned them some other memory. They can use it to further their MAKE IN INDIA,HATE IN INDIA BUSINESS PLAN to loot their own Indian people.

So, today i am just giving away some filth dialogue for their Filth Hindi film brothel industry that they can continue to loot and steal, on the basis of what their filth country did with me while they looted all of my being and some filth content their I.T system forced into my brain the last few years after their Indian system had enjoyed destroying and looting me. Hate was never programmed in Me, but thank you India you taught me the word 'HATE, so i hate you more than you hated me.

So I don't use any I.T system to force myself into anybody's brain the way they broke into mine since childhood but I don’t need to do that to return them back their speech.

But since I do not consume any Indian content any more I do not know if their film brothel prostitution bollywood business ever uses or markets this Indian speech that their Indians dialogue in.

“Isko muft mein chhodenge, ise bachpan se chodda gaya hai i.t system se, iske bachpan ko bacche ka nahin samjhna, prostitute hai yeh”

“Isko gaali nahin denge, iski gaali karenge, is se maa baap chudwainge, is se behne chudvayenge”

I.T lagake iske gore chehhre pe itni kaali hubshi bhainso ka chehra lagayen hain, koi aur toh kya yeh khud bhi kabhi apne aap ko na pehchaan paaye. Yeh to bachpan se hi kiya hai ispe”.

“Artiste nahin hai yeh, artiste hum apni betiyon ko dikhayenge, ise prostitute dikhana hai”

“iska chehra alag alag i.t chehron se badalna to kya, iska chehra poora hi kharaab karde, aise motte motte phodde de deke phhod ise bacterial chemical se, ke unko phhod phhod ke poori umar yaad kare yeh ke iska chehra india mein hai”

“dekh to ise bachpan se nanga rahein hai, kharaab hote, par aise doosron ke liye nanga nahin karenge,  paise deke nanga nahin karenge, isse muft mein chhodenge”

“Isse chodd ke hatta, phir dekh kaise isse hatane ke liye bhi film star ya artiste diya jaata hai tujhe dhande ke liye”

“Ise kyun kapde dein hum, hum apni betiyon ko denge, isse aisi hi andar se nanga dekhenge, nanga karenge”

“Isse aise nanga nahin karenge, bani nahin na kisi ki dulhania ya bahurani nahin to kisi doosre ke ghar mein isse nanga karte,tab maza aata,accha mazaak banta, bechte hum. Phir issi ke ghar mein nanga karwayenge”

“Agar bahurani,dulhania banva ke nahin chudva sakte isse, toh aise hi chodd daal ise, isko nanga karke peeche lunnd ghusedke chudva isse. Aise chudva isse, poori duniya mein mazaak bechenge iska.”

“yeh nahin chahiye humein, ise sirf nanga karke lootna hai, humein doosri auratein denge, abhi isse zinda rakhenge, isse muft mein choos choos ke maarenge” 

"Isko aur kuch nahin dena, isse sirf nikaalna hai. Jahan bhi ho wahan se nikalenge. Dilli se nikalenge, Bambai se nikalenge, Kashmir bhi chali gayi to wahan se nikalenge, kisi aur desh mein hogi to wahan se nikalenge, ghar se nikalenge, kamre se nikalenge. Jahan bhi hogi yeh wahan se nikalenge."

“Isko ladki ya aurat samajh hi nahin, isse ladka ya aadmi samajh ke chhod isse, aasani se chodda jayega” Ladkiyan aur auratein hum apni banayenge.

“Isse kyun dein, paisa hum, paisa hum apni Indians ko denge,

isse nanga rakhke muft mein barbaad karenge.”

“Iska kyun career banvayen hum, isse sirf lootenge, banayenge hum apne Indian logon ka career”

“Isko muft ki rand banake anti auntiyon mein bechna hain, wahan isse chodd ke mausi chi gaand dikhayenge”

“Isse thode lena hai humein film,tv, politics mein, isse muft mein chhod ke iska sab kuch hum apni Indians ke career mein dikhayenge. Iska career nahin banana, humein isse muft istemaal karke apne Indians ke career bechne hain.”

"Isse aur kuch nahin denge hum, career nahin denge isse, isse bas moot(semen) bhej bhej ke, iske khaane mein moot mila mila ke apni lundein is se chusvayeinge. Ek baar moot nahin bhejenge isko, baar baar bhejenge, 15-16 baar moot khaane mein milvake i.t se pet saaf karenge iska."

''Iska kela kar ke rakh. Isko akela hi jaate aur marte dekh india ki sadkon pe. Koi saath nahin jaayega iske kabhi. Isko india mein kela karke maarenge."

"iske chaand jaise face ko Saand banayenge. Koi Chand nahin rahega india mein". 

"iska face to bachpan se phhod diya, iske baal katva kar isko aadmi dikha kar, iski jeans utar kar, iske picchvade me penis ghusedkar anal fuck denge indian aurate ghusdne ke liye."

"Ise ghusne thodde diya bombay, yeh khud aayi hai, isse bhagayenge yahaan se bhi"

so,this is my experience in India, instead of a career and they have done these sort of things to me in India! 

JUST A FIRST DRAFT FOR FREE USE, MORE TO ADD HERE,,,

How they destroy a person using Non-Violent Strategies Part 1

While Indians continue to nurture their own daughters into career professionals, cared for, celebrated or at least paid for women, my life experience in India is that of being exploited, misled, wasted and destroyed despite being used since childhood.

So, how is it that Indian strategies and systems loot and destroy a person’s personality.

Here are some of my experiences in India in which Several non-violent strategies are exposed.

Even though there is an internal system of technology used on me since childhood which is finally being revealed to me through which any physical part of the body, internal organs along with the brain, nervous system and breath can be targeted there are various other strategies most of them non-violent which have been used to destroy me as well. While the internal technology does have the power to be violent and maybe even kill, all of these strategies do keep a person alive but they are used to psychologically and physically destroy so that the person is never able to live as per their own personality, destiny or even effort. Death of the body isn’t the only death, a person can be killed internally in several other ways in a country like India if found inconvenient yet successful.

And  all that a person could be if they were made to live a consistent career and life, can then be easily looted to market several other personality careers and all the returns of that can be internally enjoyed by the systems that destroy.

TARGET – SKIN. Our Skin is their soft target, they want to destroy it, they want it lose its fair colour and darken and be destroyed without realizing its painful sensitivity. They want it spotted to feel like their own skin, they want us to begin living in their skin instead to lose whatever identity of appearance we are born with. They want to destroy it so that it can be branded ‘ugly’. Somehow they feel by destroying our skin they can feel better about their own skin given by the creator. They specifically targeted my skin otherwise the beginning of this write-up would not have been so skin deep.

TARGET – FACE .DESTROY FACE/POLITICS OF FACE - The face is an obvious target to be destroyed away but not until it is sufficiently played with. They played with my face using technology since childhood, they used free show stage ‘acting’ for school to trap me and then to force Indian faces on my own face leaving me in confusion and misery in my childhood and school, college years after which they started destroying my face by spotting it with bacterial infection in milk and food products. And they never stopped. Later they began destroying my face with other chemicals in salt and food products to especially humiliate me in sexual ways. They deliberately brought my ‘face’ into play by using me for free show stage in the army school and misled me to want to direct my train of thought towards my face and then destroyed it altogether so that I should never be professionally used in any face-based career and they could loot my train of thought and struggle to market and sell and make whichever Faces they now wanted. So obviously, they used my face to play with since childhood and internally but they chose their own faces to sell and market into what they call the ‘common memory’ of their audiences who their people and children should recognize and grow up with. 

TARGET – APPEARANCE. FATTEN, FAT BRANDING or put on show after fattening and not put on show when fitter. They have put me on SHOW, free show stage many times since childhood, but it’s clear they don’t want my personality to be seen or put on show when I am living some life and I am fitter and more mobile, instead they needed to put it on show as bad, when I was kept caged indoors and invested my time in study instead. So, their strategy is that I should not be Shown for looking good or aspiring to live life but to be put on show to look bad and to humiliated. I am not supposed to be ‘Made up’, I am supposed to be destroyed and that is their SHOW.

 Any professional achievement adds to a person’s personality but once you destroy them from their professional accomplishment or establishing themselves as belonging to a certain professional life to define who they are what they are expected to be left with to be negated and humiliated is their own physical self instead of the accomplishments of a career.

So, instead of creating a career professional, professional scientist or professional actress prostitute or professional musician or professional film maker or professional writer  they want all of the professionalism interrupted and destroyed away so that all you are left with is a woman’s flesh and physical appearance that can then be used to humiliate and negate you. Now, you are their FAT on display to be SHOWN instead of a career professional who they can sexually humiliate and negate because consistently targeting a person for their fine appearance is not just sexual humiliation it is obvious racism. The title they wanted prefixed to the name is not that of a profession - a professional scientist, journalist or film maker, not even published writer or artiste but of  'FAT' INDIAN. This they made me live through consistently from within the army house since they began forcing feeding me their food in innocent childhood and caging my body from any travel or movement, and the rest of the people in their racist country India followed suit.
The abuse and neglect of my body along with the faces of fat obese Indians and adults forced on my face early since childhood, using remote technology abused my own face and flesh to modify and abuse my appearance and use to market the FAT INDIAN HINDU RACE.
They need to abuse the body by branding the human body negatively as a 'size' that is different from theirs, a 'size' that will not 'fit in' with them and can be pimped to other races that will accept the 'size', while an internal technology remotely accesses the human body to expand, spread or lean in the human body.

But really, it’s only their own fear of your real worth and instead of channelizing your strength it’s their own weakness they expose that they try and target to destroy you.

Maybe it is the need of Indian races to make and market professional Fatness to humour their own Indian pot bellied bulges instead of have a woman inconvenient to them to challenge them, often standing taller than them.

TARGETING POSITIVITY, MAKING ANTI or NEGATIVE Towards any approach. I believe Positivity in believing in something to happen can cause it to happen in time. Whereas negating something can cause interruptions. To loot and steal from within your being, systems want to lead your personality towards Negativity instead of Positivity. While living in Bombay I realized that even in india, the great Mahatma Gandhi worked not on an anti-violence but a pro non-violence approach. Even while all my life has been lived out of India while it could be lived anywhere else after a certain age, certain internal systems wanted to force an ‘anti-brand’ so that my positivity towards even the existence of India could be destroyed, after all they didn’t want me to successfully use all that hard work and effort made studying their Indian curriculum in their Indian education system and paying attention to and consuming Indian content on their public service broadcaster.
It's their own business plan to make anti-American, Anti-British,Anti-Muslim,Anti-India so that they could try and puppet to negate all these bridges and Indians can go pocket opportunities in all these places for their own selves. 

 Worldwide web connectivity has made it possible to express positivity towards various places and systems while being located anywhere. So, the anti-national branders and marketeers of India forget that their own nation is beyond their national cause and is connected globally, so what anti-nationalism do they fear anymore. In these circumstances there is no need for an ANTI anything approach anymore instead it should lead to search what is POSITIVELY Possible.

ANTI MAKING and ANTI BRANDING Became a big business for countries like India where they had access to consumers who they forced will consume Indian content in every way, Indian education,Indian content for at least 20 years and who begin aspiring to be part of India but they are negative towards the consumer and do negative and bad things to the consumer so that they cut off or force the consumer to cut itself off from the system when the hate and negativity against the consumer becomes visible to the consumer. By that time, the consumer has exhausted itself in consuming India, for example but is not made part of their mainstream and all that time and effort spent in it, makes the consumer feel Anti everything they spent time in consuming and the bad experiences deliberately made part of their lives and will now be thrown into the Anti market from where they will want to become consumers of something new and all the new experiences and information will be sourced and used by the previous system or country like India who they were hooked to consume and then cut off from.

TARGET – HAPPINESS OF A FULFILLED FAMILY LIFE AND MORE PEOPLE BORN TO UNWANTED or INCONVENIENT BLOOD AND DNA – Obviously Indian systems such as Indian army and Indian i.a.s must have ensured happy fulfilled lives for their Own Indian daughters, but I don’t have such experiences, I have experiences of being played with and puppeted by force on the inside through high technology and be sexually humiliated on the outside and therefore I have looked out for alternative technology to heal me in every way, one that doesn’t suck life out of me on the inside, one that I can connect with on my own. I have the feeling and experiences of being a girlchild and woman, from whom they could loot away everything that I could ever be capable of or accomplish, especially obviously my appearance.

TARGET -PHYSICALLY HARDWORKING PERSONALITY – I have been puppeted through an Indian army family system, the Ghar pe baitho scam was enforced upon me at strategic times by the retired army colonel father in my growing up life in Delhi when I wanted to work in India with youthful effervescence. It was repeated again by Bombay systems and again by the army father at strategic career success moments in my life. All because there was already a scam system in place to use technology to use and play with me from within the confines of four walls of the house or anywhere else and all of my life being lived into my own brain and body could be looted at source and other personalities could be sold instead using the struggle within my brain and space. Yet I managed to be in two cities in India and yet I was determined to reconnect with Kashmir again obviously against the wishes of the system and family I am born to.

TARGET - NAME – The politics of NAME is after all very obvious politics and usually it is exposed to be just that, politics. The Name is given by the family and their can be various systems who feel they now own the name a person is born with and can set their own shop on it.

TARGET – SEXUAL SELF ESTEEM. The face is an obvious a part of sexual self esteem and by deliberately playing with it and eventually destroying it in various ways, they openly target sexual self esteem. Obviously other common strategies are face shaming, body shaming or using provocative vulgar descriptions while other obvious ways are bad sexual experiences designed or directed.

TARGET – SOCIAL COMMUNICATION SKILLS and to AVOID INSTEAD OF COMMUNICATING. Since I was not socially introverted I was instead socially avoided by Indian systems and I looked for professional communication methods to communicate instead which they tried to cut me off from to destroy me so that my social communication should not become my strength. I get no invitations in India and I have been given few experiences to experience Indian social lives despite being available to them in every professional aspiration since childhood. Their internal system so used to being derogatory towards me already knew they were not supposed to TAKE ME anywhere the way they took their own daughters with care to experience professional or personal journeys. They know, while being suffocated,caged indoors to be used internally through the high technology system I will eventually SHOW UP on my own out of the desperation of being abandoned

TARGET – PERSONALITY.  If they get to know that your personality can bring you to be in public spaces on your own merit they will try to mislead people about your personality and being. They have enough Indian money to market fake personalities to mislead their own people. When they want to negate and destroy you even the smallest fault in you or any of your actions will be magnified to mock, hate or humiliate but for those they want to promote and market genuinely as their own people even the greatest faults are ignored and never publicly marketed.

TARGET – SELF WORTH  - They want to waste you away and show that you are not good enough despite your aspiration, hard work and effort. Your wasting away in any way is their success. They want your day wasted away instead of being lived. They will give you misleading tips, pull time away from you from making it used as judiciously as you are capable of, they will make you compete in such a way that they will mislead u and put you on show when you are wasted and then you will be ‘not good enough’ or ‘could not do it’ for them. They want you to fall instead of rising. They want you fallen so that they can run over you and loot you over your own effort and aspiration. They want your actions to be your mistakes and not your success. Your success is not falling prey to believing them.

TARGET SELF-ESTEEM -NEGATE – Constantly negate and surround by negativity so that you begin negating the potential of your own existence. They want you to succumb to self negation so that you eventually destroy your own self and they have no blood on their hands. They can use the people around you, your own people, to negate them to negate you, the way in the army family home I have been brought up hearing the way my own kashmiri mother is supposed to be negated and humiliated in every way each day by the retired Indian army colonel father. Wherever there is the possibility of a success professionally or personally they are conditioned to negate at the onset so that all possibility of a success is destroyed at source.

TARGET – CLOTHES. POLITICS OF CLOTHING – You look good in anything you wear or clothes look good on you, doesn’t mean you should be made to wear rags or force to be dressed down despite struggling to make a living. You deserve your right to wear as per your wish and feeling. I have been openly humiliated by the Indian system while they were using me as a free show stage puppet mostly by giving me humiliating costumes to humiliate me that was an obvious way to humiliate me, especially after they began targeting and destroying my face but never allowing me the financial worth and independence I deserve they ensured I will not be given the income to nurture and care for my own self the way I deserved.

TARGET CULTURE -LANGUAGE  - Instead of passing on and preserving the knowledge of Urdu and Kashmiri  that the parents know I was brought up only in Hindi and English in Delhi to strategically make me into a non kashmiri citizen whose life and personality could then be copied out by non Kashmiri Hindi speaking Indians. Not just this, the Indian theatre system where I was directed to be used as a free puppet openly wanted to corrupt and destroy my speech with their abusive Hindi system in a very obvious way to humiliate me. Their Bombay system followed suit. So, they wanted to target good speech and destroy it by their own bad influence.

TARGET – SANITY - MADDEN – A very common strategy to label as ‘MAD’ so that all of your effort made in any constructive madness or affected by consuming news of injustice and other bad news that affects your sanity can be easily looted and credited to some other person, to not make you part of any professional or other space that is created  using your own vision or effort. Instead by ‘maddening’ you out of the way, you can be cast aside and all of your own being can be looted to market someone else who will not be labeled ‘mad’ as you. You are labeled ‘mad’, so somebody else will be given the work to do and life to life. In order to realize this strategy, Situations are created to provoke and display ‘madness’ instead of positively channelizing your existence. Adding provocative additives in milk products especially can be used to destroy ‘mood’ or ‘behaviour’. Or by using people around you to deliberately provoke you, by misleading them about you, feeding them lies or half truths about you, they can provoke ‘mad’ responses. Their strategy is to provoke to cause ill behavior, conflict and clashes. Once a female body has been labelled 'mad' abusers enter and abuse the brain and body to provoke mad 'acts' and abuse the life and body maddened to be abused. I had been studying mental conditions such as depression in my media courses very early but later in Delhi the family placed me in a mental health ward for 15 days to label me mentally unfit on paper. In the Indian system it seems it is not normal to get mad with anger on seeing injustice whereas it is normal to tune into hindi tv soaps or trashy Indian entertainment film filth.

TARGET INTELLECTUAL CAPABALITY

If the Indian system were never going to use me professionally there would have been no need to use me since childhood on the Indian army school stage for free show especially during the time and years meant for a good formative education to direct life towards an established profession. But my time was used and exhausted by the army school instead of single minded dedication to study, despite that I did not fail or drop out of study and struggled to get academic results and spend my time in various academic competitive exams alongside, the career returns of which never came to my own life despite hardwork and struggle.

 Besides, I was conditioned since birth to consume nothing other than Indian media through its film,television,advertising so a lot of that junk left its memory in my brain to be dealt with later in the film school in india.

So, clearly despite sacrificing simple joys of life, my intellectual capability was targeted since primary school so that I live a life and career much lesser than my intellectual potential.

 The college experience did try to intellectually enhance my life experience but at the cost of my professional career aspirations which were never realized the right way.

I do not believe life is about locking yourself in a room reading books to display academic scholarship when a world burns around you, because I do not believe in such intellectual vanity.

TARGET – YOUR DESTINY – Some things are meant to happen in your life because your life was chosen in some way for it, but they don’t want you to realize that destiny. Instead, they want to destroy you, so that they can live your destiny instead. Whether in Delhi or Bombay, they tried to destroy me from my destiny and wanted to realize their own careers and life experiences on it. Some events happen in our life singularly and make our destiny whether someone directs them or they happen on their own. But when somebody is part of your life in any way then your destiny also affects and becomes their destiny. So, there should be no need to destroy someone to live off their destiny.

...to be continued

Delhi-Melbourne-Delhi-Pune-Mumbai-Delhi or the next 15 years after 2001-Haters made their hate known by destroying my life and career further.

2002

I was In India finally with a partly destroyed face and skin looking for somewhere to work. I contacted a senior employee of the Delhi tabloid who gave me the contact of Indian film maker Subhash Ghai who needed a Delhi based researcher temporarily but was also busy setting up his film institute called Whistling woods international. The film he was making was an Indian Pakistan bridge with references to the 1971 war between the two and was meant to star big established stars.  Meanwhile at home, the ex colonel once again forced to interfere in the beginning of my career, he decided that my market rate should be not more than 5,000rs per month. I met the film maker with the same expectation and was hired.  What the ex colonel probably wanted to imply was that despite my student record and extra curricular use the ex colonel was permitting me into film based work, not for monetary returns.  

2003 at 22 years My job entailed the most boring part of the film making pre production process, reading historical records from within libraries, such as old newsprint, sourcing photos and readings and being isolated all over again in a work from home setting, and certain other Indian defence based permission seeking, but it was the first ever real temporary job.  The colonels house simultaneously needed my presence as well since the family was going to give up their government accommodation following my doctor mothers retirement from the government job and we were going to move in to our own home for the very first time, locations were being scouted, several homes and areas visited to find a home we could finally live in and call our own.

Unfortunately, or perhaps as directed by the internal politics of the film industry or other controlling factors, the India Pak film got shelved.

A New film was to begin as an India-U.K bridge instead with no big stars as the previous shelved project had promised. I had little knowledge of UK based pre partition politics, my interest was clearly reading about Kashmir in the same libraries I visited for the job which I read individually, separately.   I was brought in as a Delhi based outsider to the film unit, I was kept away from the goings on of the film crew, or the creative process of the film in making. The veteran caring director though did give me his valuable advice and tips occasionally and asked about what cinema vision I had as an outsider and I shared that instead of the big budget large mounted popular Indian cinema I also wanted to see smaller scale films and independent film work, films made on a smaller financial scale but equally meritorious covering more human stories than the big budget popular work. Some smaller budget films were also greenlit.

Where could this lead me to, the assistants at job, refused to encourage me into being an assistant director. Their reasons were, they needed people they could stuff into their cars, I was too tall on them or big on them or whatever it was about me that went against being given creative work! It was negative, all of it, no entry towards the film making process. I was also refused entry from wanting to attend their story workshops by their assistants. This was not going to be bring any direction to my life either, nobody here was going to make an assistant director or writer out of me, I was their unwanted outsider. It wasn’t enough work for me. I took on another parallel job in Delhi, this time with the public service broadcasting trust, that made and financed independent documentaries that paid me 10,000rs a month for their office work and through it I acknowledged that I had grown up consuming Indian public broadcasting and also stood for the alternative space that financed content that never found its way on India;s public broadcaster especially rich and valuable documentary resources about Kashmir. 

The Bombay film company Mukta Arts which gave me other valuable Delhi based work experiences like sourcing historical material, running to courier shops, libraries and visiting taj mahal for the first time ever along with their visiting foreign crew were varied general experiences for the first job ever and I also got to see a film set for the very first time during the shoot in Delhi. They also raised my income to 10,000 rs and offered whether I would like to apply to become a part of their new institute but the two jobs together were still not finance enough for me to finance a place in their lavish but expensive upcoming institute. Other than that there was no encouragement to see me in Mumbai. Instead I purchased my own handycam camcorder for the first time ever with whatever I earned.

However, all previous professional aspirations had been destroyed at every step by Indian systems and the shelved film was another one of them. I had to find a place to exist and nobody was ever going to direct my life to anywhere. .  There was no entry or beginning to any career for me, there was yet another Indian written end to my career.

2004

2004- at 23 years With this knowledge I applied for a year of scriptwriting at the Film and T.V Institute of India and invested the remains of what I earned from Mukta Arts and PSBT as affordable course fee.  I had already begun typing fiction into my computer in Melbourne and wrote short stories in my computer during the plenty of spare time between the Mukta Arts and PSBT jobs. This was probably just stemming out of my compulsory journal writing habit from my pre teen years and I really didn’t want to do anything specific with it but I really wanted to learn some basic writing methods that I had been introduced to during the video course in Melbourne. Pune was a pleasant city with fresh air. For the first time in my experience of India was there cool temperature and breeze, Delhi was a hot city with still or no air. Within a year its course head Anjum Rajabali and Ashwini Malik inculcated a writing discipline, although the course was strictly meant to be sadly kept away from the other goings on of the Film and T.V Institute of India, yet another experience of an isolated island space. Through the year I acknowledged that I had consumed all kinds of retro cinema and public broadcast tv in India in the first 15 years my life and all that consumption finally had some meaning. I literally grew up on Indian content since infancy and also consumed some alternative indian cinema and foreign cinema at the journalism college. This was going to be an extension of it, retro cinema from all parts of the world, cinematic classics, their visuals and music, was all much worthy of being consumed as if the years within the government home watching retro Indian cinema in nothing more than a house and its tree laden lane outside for company was already the beginning of film school for me and every memory from the sacred space of Indian film making in Indian history remains very special for me in my memory.  I finally had access to creative fiction spaces, a lot of my writing work here was a throwback to influences that were added to my life in terms of the Indian experiences, i wanted to promote the bridge between the literary arts and cinema by adapting a short story written by Rabindranath Tagore into a full length film script as an acknowledgment of the enormous number of Bengali students I had been acquainted to in Delhi other than the Bengal based cinema I got to consume at FTII and also wrote a Kolkata based story visiting Kolkata and Shantiniketan for a week. I could have also adapted Shakespeare acknowledging the intermittent English theatre (albeit non shakesperean) experience of the army school but I only went as far as purchasing a guide book about Shakesperean works and instead wanted to acknowledge Indian culture and the Indian arts at the Indian film school as the primary source material consumed by me growing up in Delhi. But my acknowledgement of Indian culture is only by knowing it through its cinema, arts and literature and not by aspiring to become them in any other way. The other written stories given away to the FTII weaved experiences about media and science, such as scientific haloed figures like Einstein brought into a film world story, once again acknowledging the fact and effort of being a science student and the special mysteries of science that could ever find their way into film, if they ever wanted to. Two other stories were about a Kashmiri family where I finally began writing out my interest in revisiting Kashmir and continuing to learn and read more about it.  At the Film Institute of India, writing experiences into words and viewing cinema pure to its culture and roots it became clearer to me that when I wrote I was not an Indian Gujarati, south Indian or Bengali, even if my cultural Kashmiri roots remain broken or destroyed, in ignorance or being brought up away from Kashmir I remain a Kashmiri. At the end of the course, after all the written material was submitted some of the resident students also made me part of their classroom projects to act in them, where I also discovered experiences like applying professional make up to my destroyed skin and face for the very first time. 

Of course the year spent at the FTII was once again against the wishes and permission of the ex army colonel father and not 3 years of specializing in film direction training he did not want me to exist here even for a year long course. Most importantly at the FTII I was free to live as a woman with my own identity, no one was forcing me to play act as a boy or man here, no one was forcing me to get my hair cut off or promote a dead male grandfathers face instead of my own, along with applying myself creatively, such freedom was unknown to me before this.

2005

But the end of the course, finally brought a work offer from an independent film production company based in South Bombay that wanted me to write original concepts on their generic themes for a salary of 25,000 a month, the highest salary ever paid to me in India which meant that I was capable enough of financial independence in Bombay on my own and by Indian poverty standards it is great income even if most of it was used up in room rent! I could continue to purchase my own books and a few films.]

Their primary interest then was making independent horror films partnering with UK and getting to watch the international gems of horror cinema was quite enriching cinematically! I got to live as a paying guest in South Mumbai overlooking Bombay high rises quite reminiscent of the very first video memories I recorded in Melbourne, but was once again not part of any film making process just a paid concept generator. This work lasted for a year as I wanted to be in other parts of Bombay;s film making city that I had seen in my childhood years through the Indian television. Among the many concepts generated over the salaried job was one titled ,The Weed, about the drug taking habits of urban areas but several foreign films had already been made on the subject and I did not personally want to hold on to any of the concepts I generated at I Dream production working desk.

2006-7

I approached film maker Anurag Kashyap the maker of the largely independent Black Friday which had been banned and un released and based on his suggestion I moved away from the high rent paying south Mumbai area because 'we people' spend too much money on 'rent' !! I now moved into half a room instead shared with an editor friend of the FTII tv course in a working womens hostel in bandra west.  The Shram Sadhna trust hostel really summed up the warmth of the people of India while having been a student in India all these years,allowing me to be one of their own system. The ex colonel father agreed to take over the burden of my finances from here on, since he was strictly against me accepting any loans or payments from any other individual in Bombay city. 2,000 Rs a month for the half room hostel and some basic expenditure on the usage of the internet, purchase of mini DV tapes for the sparingly used video camera, It was heartening that the ex army colonel was agreeing to pay for all it. It;s largely within this working women’s hostel that I extended my individual scriptwriting experience which meant I lived within the newly purchased laptop and words that became scripts, characters, stories.  I continued to source the happenings in Kashmir over the web and kept saving resources about Kashmir on my computer. I  also befriended an aspiring photographer in Srinagar, Kashmir who agreed to befriend me and whose social media profile became a personal view of Kashmir and I requested him to become the kashmiri eyes through which I could see the sights of Kashmir I had been brought up away from. It was heartening to befriend a Kashmiri in a personal way, watching Kashmir even if online is like watching cinema in all its colour and vibrancy, with nature adding to the drama and the people beloved artistes in every way. Other than the film music that Indian films were producing, music from Pakistan also reached me over the internet, other than the film scripts I read and wrote which poetry continued to give me company. Parallely, a cinema blog called    www. passionforcinema.com was initiated by some cinema fanatics and it brought me back in contact with director anurag kashyap among several other directors who wrote their Bombay work experiences here. These were people from Indias film industry who had actually got work experiences and lived careers in the industry, they had lived work and had earned credit and experiences but there were also people who were Indians based in other countries as well as cinema passionate people aspiring to work in film, film reviewers, film admirers and other film related people. By contributing to this blog I got to attend a few film shoots by these semi independent film makers in Bombay and write about. I was never made into an assistant into the anurag kashyap crew either or get any work in film but I got to attend and videograph events like the black Friday release party, film shoots in Bombays Dharavi slum and a film studio. Several working professionals of the Indian film industry contributed to the blog. I also got to attend a few house parties where film makers met, discussed their work and even a script reading session, for the first time I was getting to attend a few film related events outside of the film institute.  Bombay city also held several events of interest about culture and film, documentary screenings and even those related to Kashmir. I remained an outsider of Indias film,tv world but the city took me in as its own, because i was finally in a city with bearable temperature and pleasant sea breeze. But unfortunately there was no professional work or further work based training, no one was training me further in camera skills or employing me as their writer or co writer, something I was prepared for many years now. The only gratification was that I was around the space which was promoting smaller, independent films other than big budget monsters that hyper promoted on a media overdrives which eventually end up fulfilling the career prospects of a pre selected since birth set of film family born moneyed cast. 

Unfortunately, the director had no use for my work and did not take me on as a writer or co writer, and I never shared any of the other written work I had ever written on my computer over the years. They did not like what i wrote in a script to show to them which was about a face and a photographer revealing the I.T system that had play modelled my face since childhood. Also I was not on show or display, I was living out of half a room of minimum space within a working womens hostel in bandra east and with no income or lifestyle or personal purchases of clothes or appearance to be placed on show or display anywhere. I wasn’t around the show business of the Bombay industry just around aspirants and mostly like a wastrel hangers-on. My personal world consisted of the interior of half a hostel room,a laptop, the words, scripts, characters I kept generating on it, a phone and a long distance cathartic friendship with Kashmir over the internet.  I still applied to a TV channel to aspire to report in Kashmir to be able to travel there but was discouraged for aspiring to live in what they called Kashmiria, certainly Kashmiria was appealing to me more, even long distance than India, clearly because Kashmiria was not enjoying and living the same party life that Indians were enjoying in India including Indian journalism and mostly Indian Tv journalism. Obviously an Indian system still did not want me to be part of their ongoing tv business party.

Meanwhile the black Friday film maker took his business to the business of karan johars business shop among other mainstream business shops like UTV etc so this business shop never opened the doors of world cinema to me either. Clearly business priorities were shifting the business interests of the Black Friday director;s party elsewhere in Film family career propagation and Dharma production business interests,may as well have been Karan Johar;s Black Friday success party! The passionforcinema.com website with all its director and aspirant pages was also eventually sold out somewhere, with its entire resource taken off the world wide web.

So did these Indian film makers add any film making skills to me, introduce me to camera use or bother about what i struggled with on my computer. The Answer is NO. They were being promoted to promote their own film making credits while negating me and watching me further wasted away and destroyed in half a room as per their Indian direction.

These Indian film makers by participating in further destroying me and not adding any new film making skills to me and by cutting through the years meant for my career, instead pocketed more work and profits for their own selves and in time expanded their own business with business and work with film family born film star eggs and every film prostitute they greenlight, furthering their own film family business as well as expanding themselves into foreign travel and foreign film festival exposure, basically being pumped up with enough work and money for negating and cutting my career and life out of the way. But these are the faces of India and these are the life experiences experienced with Indians who are given work, money, lifestyle, careers. So they were partying and working along with both foreign funded film making exposure as well as Indian film,tv brothel film family egg shops, profiting work and credit for their bloated Indian pot bellies from both ends and making an open media publicised show of it with enough media coverage pumped into them whereas I was given no beginning to any career or life.  These were just a few public fame faces promoted, but so many more public faces found more work and career by using me as free source material and giving no beginning to my life or career.

I had no money to make purchases of any great world cinema resource after what I had watched at FTII other than a few screenings organized within Bombay city.

Watching visuals and news and other online resources from Kashmir kept me breathing in an alternative parallel world that I felt I belonged to and was incompletely reconnected to through the choice of studying journalism and even though tv news and documentary cameras were known to already routinely visited bloodied Kashmir just as I chose to script at the FTII, this time I was wishing that film cameras, if not Pakistani or world cinema, Indian cinema involve interested Kashmiris into the Indian film industry and the Indian film industry create content in Kashmir to temporarily ease the burden of conflict and add to the narrative of contemporary Kashmir.

For the first time, there was something within the Bombay city air that was allowing me to breathe, literally, whereas in the still air of Delhi my nasal passage seemed so blocked as if artificially through technology that I could not even breathe in a healthy way. It even made singing along to my choice of Pakistani music that I heard over the internet less effortless, nobody was directing me towards listening to music or singing along with it but just a long distance viewership of Kashmir over the web and a long distance friendship, with abject loneliness within India, it was my own initiative and a response to finally being able to breathe. Pakistani voice quality felt more familiar and home like than the Indian voices that made up the Indian film music from Bombay that I had consumed in Delhi.

I had never been allowed access to a still camera and still didn’t own one, but with the cellular phone now incorporating a camera in it, I preserved a few photographs of my face for the first time ever, where I noticed that my face was being shaped to look different in various photographs as if somebody was forcibly morphing my face according to their needs. Within the hostel life, once again my face was hideously spotted off with marks and puss and cum, repeatedly killing my face off repeatedly. On some other occasions, it cleared up entirely.

Travelling to Kashmir on my own was still strictly prohibited by the parents in Delhi but my perspective remained different from theirs. There was nowhere else to travel for me either, no travel opportunity, no new sights to consume but the sea breeze in Bombay kept me breathing.

Hostel life with no remuneration and no travel experience to anywhere and having lived too many years indoors over the years, ultimately took a toll on my health and I succumbed to disease and jaundice, with several blood tests and routine health check ups and the parents at home I recuperated, my body and skin further wasted away and destroyed by disease this time but recovered health within a few months.  My passport with Pakistan and australias visas stamped on it and a back up hard disk of creative content that I keyed into my computer was stolen. I applied for a brand new passport. The dreams within my brain,rather nightmares seemed more scripted now and I began noting them

2008

 The hostel area which really became my only home in Bombay seemed very politically active, so much that the owner of the hostel was elevated to becoming the president of india in the same years. The first time I felt less averse towards the politicians of India even if Bombay city promoted news stories about Maharashtra discouraging North Indians migrating here.

I chose to return to Bombay yet again, at a writers conference I was offered work by Indian film actress Deepti naval on another research job at 5,000 rs a month for a few months researching for some film work but at least I had an office space to attend away from the tight hostel space.

Film maker Sudhir Mishra who was one of the directors who wrote at the passionforcinemablog and who was also kind enough to acknowledge my existence also eventually finally offered me to work as an assistant but by now I had already lived off my hostel life as a wastrel being an assistant to my own self! 

Years of being indoors had taken toll on my body eventually and I really had no direction for my own self other than being closer to understanding Kashmir, however the burden of the first 20 years of the hideous chaos of the Delhi life was still damaging me internally with no suitable expression to deal with it other than my own words on my own laptop. In a way I had abandoned the hideous chaos of the first 20 years in Delhi and had preferred to add new knowledge and positivity of creating on my computer but   I needed any direction from Bombay, for my own self this time and not for the characters I was creating on my computer.

On an instinct one morning spotting an advertisement flyer, I walked into yet another theatre workshop, for the first ever time in Bombay, at Nadira Zaheer Babbar,s Ekjute theatre workshop. Initially, I expected that they wouldn’t take me in since my face and skin was by now badly destroyed but I was surprised that they did. I was finally amidst the creative buzz of theatre aspirants and within the creative space of professional theatre for a little more than the week long theatre workshop training that I had ever attended in Delhi. For the first time, the half hearted attempt by the army school to use me for their stage distracting me from single minded achievement in studies during school years with no real follow up to it, was being put to some use and had some meaning after all. But unlike the army school experience of no education about the body as an instrument while only being encouraged to cram and spit but for the first time my name, face, body and creative interest all were all being applied in real professional creative theatre process. Along with that, some poetry I read and wrote within the hostel reconnecting with Kashmir, the music that appealed to me all found a creative space to exist.  Music and body movement being trained for the stage healed me of all the years of living indoors. I was hoping it to be a travelling theatre group so that I could finally see more places in India but instead it remained a Bombay only based experience, I got to finally see the Prithvi theatre stage as a theatre artist as I had once wished for at age 11-12 in Delhi. For the first time my feet really had movement and music to tap to and lived through the experience of being in a musical that was staged with the likeness of Bollywood style colour and glitz. I got to play one of the singing girl prostitutes and received music training for the very first time in life.  I was eventually cast as a singing girl servant prostitute according to the Hindu prostitution system which was being staged. For the first time I also got to be onto stage in one of the specially made costumes instead of the hand me down clothes from home that I had worn on every theatre stage outing in Delhi. and felt for the first time what a nourishing and enriching process it is to be .made. into anyone. Since I was never made a professional part of Indias film or tv I had never attended any of the highly publicized colourful Indian film tv shows, events, award functions or party shows organized in various parts of Bombay which have been routinely crossing over to foreign locales as well but a few months within the theatre group made up for all the missing colour and music that was part of Indian film or tv but never a part of my life in Delhi or Bombay. Since the leader of the theatre group was also a playwright, it was adding to my writing experience as well.

But there were still no professional offers of any kind for me anywhere in Bombay and neither did I have any expectations from India. I was still a freely available, mostly free to use human resource in every way in India and even though my face was constantly being destroyed I was still being surviving alive. Even though I was still not on any other professional display, for the first time ever I had occasion to invest my parent’s money to purchase a few fresh clothes from Bombay city for myself. Delhi had never brought me such a lifestyle of any shopping splurges and neither had Bombay thus far.

2009

 I was still hoping to begin some working life in Bombay and wanted to move into at least a one room flat instead of the half room hostel. The theatre shows got over but my mind was consumed by some of the bewildering facts that had been bothering me about the past, priority amongst them was the concept of big brother control I had been educated in Melbourne about, I had still found no clear answers to it, also why was my face looking different in different photographs, but most importantly how were my thoughts and creative ideas finding their way into books and films, names from the characters in some of my script work finding way into mainstream films without me being made part of these projects. Clearly, something was bothering me on the inside, which was not allowing me to know my own existence and was not being expressed completely in whatever I wrote on my computer all these years. The social media still kept me in touch with Kashmir as a virtual window. Other than the script about contemporary Kashmir I was attempting on my computer I also wanted to script something about the courageous news reporters of Kashmir whose news I continued to read online and had admired since being a journalism student in delhi.

There was nothing new for me in Bombay. No life changing experiences or travel opportunities. It was time to move away from the cramped hostel space. With some theatre movement finally added to my life for the first time ever, at least my body felt lighter, wish if the army school had applied some seriousness to using me for their stage activity, it could have happened much earlier, but the army school were no professionals to create or make my personality in any way, they were just imposing hobbies on me to repeatedly disrupt my study routine.

All kinds of strangers were also contacting me through my social media profile but that’s the world of the social media to accept and deal with. I finally also preserved a few photographs of myself in Bombay city, lest there be no other record of my existence in this city and the memories spent here. It had been several years, no body in India was ever going to make me part of their working credited lived film or television life just as I was cut away from becoming a part of commercial Indian broadcasting and destroyed away in several ways.

2010

By 2010 I really wanted to be made part of any life to live, any real working and travelling life experiences to add to my life and give me some knowledge of lived life. But i couldn't ignore knowing about the ways in which i was being 'played' internally, the multiple faces forced on my face since childhood and all the ways my meaningless struggle since childhood had not led me to a lived career, working or any other life. I was only digging into my own self and still feeling my own self, nobody was giving any clear direction to my life with any honesty nor were they leading me to a living working life. I could sense i was being humiliated further internally through various controlling systems but since i was used to being humiliated since childhood it didn't really didn't expect anything else.
I still did not have any experience of living in what i could call my own home and half a room of the working womens hostel along with a virtual world of webspace and other peoples film careers couldn't be called a home to live in anymore.
I was looking for places where i could feel a little rooted, somewhere i could belong to, the government homes i grew up in in delhi of course were not our own, they went away as they were meant to, to others, the home in delhi still felt unfamiliar since i had lived years away from it.
My life, time, body,creative potential was still being wasted away, unchannelised, not utilised adequately and living within the words i gave to a computer,books i read, video grabs i made of routine life and sourcing mostly kashmir news and visuals online couldn't really be called a home to live or a working career, it was all just effort,unchannelised,untilised.
I really wanted to know the truth about my sense that my face was displaying several appearances since childhood and whether my brain and body were also being used the way my face was. Clearly nobody in Delhi or Mumbai really cared to tell me any truth and were perhaps expecting me not just wasted and destroyed away but dead by now. I really was letting others lead me to wherever they wanted to lead me so that at least that would lead me to whoever knew about my existence and was trying to exert their control on me or any truth it would lead me to.

In March 2010 i walked in alone again at the film institute of india in pune in hope that maybe that space could play the part of a familiar home like space if no other existed. There was a party on, but i still felt like an outsider, the way i felt everywhere in Delhi and Mumbai, An actor student from Jammu approached me while i was alone, got friendly and led me to kiss and bed. His action was to show me his erect penis and then to get my jeans off, to stick his penis into my butt hole and ejaculate there. Obviously i was never told whose directions were being followed. It seemed my body was being directed to be used like this since there was no other physical live sex act i was ever made part of in life, in university, any hotel room or anybody's home. So this was the only time and place i was ever bare in any space outside my own room.  It was as humiliating as any other humiliating experience i've been made to live through. But the way i lived through every other humiliation i have been subjected to, i lived through this too. But somehow i felt i was not the only one being abused like this that the actor also by following whoesoevers direction he was following was also succumbing to abuse. Whoever set this up and string puppeted 'direction' not only wanted me humiliated, abused and destroyed further, they wanted to loot away the existence and attachment of the film and tv institute pune in my life.
 I survived, i survived the night, i survived the bruised lips and i survived the subsequent hospital visits all alone as always, with the actor student showing up only once again since he was too busy in shoots.

So, on whose direction was i openly abused here?


After surviving the hospitals and medicines, i wanted to live in at least one room of my own. All alone, i looked for a room to live in in Bombay at the lower rates available and packed my sparse belongings from the half room of the hostel to a room to live in, I was still alone and singled out with no real direction from anywhere but since i had survived i had hope that maybe i could live a working life and all my singular effort could be channelised and made into work. That could have been a future to live in. Within a few months several strangers were still getting friendly and reacting to me online as i mostly surfed the news and visuals there.  A journalist employed with a delhi newspaper contacted me online and after sweet small talk which was about accompanying me to a much delayed visit to Kashmir, came to meet me in Bombay which led to more kiss displays in Bombay and public places in Delhi. It seemed to me that whoever was using me internally and trying to control and destroy me externally was now directing my life to be a bare display of sexual acts conducted through strangers and nothing but that. But a few months passed again, other than more negating talk i really didn't get any companionship to kashmir from the journalist either who was discouraging me from living anymore in Bombay instead of encouraging me to finally live a working life there. It was time to give more direct closures to all the ways in which i had been humiliated in Delhi and Bombay,especially on public stages so on a visit to Delhi, i asked the director of the theatre group where i was once given a humiliating lead part in a workshop to stage a short performance about the various voices and feeling about Kashmir i wanted to express based on the years of consuming news content and material about kashmir and trying to reconnect with kashmir despite being cut away from travelling to or living in Kashmir. It was mostly scripted by the Indian director but for the first time i decided what clothes i would wear to be SHOWN on stage and added a little of my own expression that was trying to find a way through some poetry. After the staging of the show, i travelled to Srinagar alone for the first time and my scarred and destroyed skin got to breathe the Kashmiri air it had grown up away from and destroyed before it could ever visit Kashmir. I took help from an actor of the Bombay based theatre group who led me to the home of their relatives where i could stay a few days and by being at the Kashmir University i also interacted with the media institute there.
Back in Bombay i was compiling my experiences of visiting Kashmir and trying to hope that i could begin some working and living life out of a one room kitchen life in Bombay that with all the effort made over the years i would surely get some work now, with a remuneration i deserved and i could begin living. But there were more interruptions. My elder sister married into the indian army decided she now wanted to work in Bombay and made me give up my own independent room and life to live in the apartment given to her sudden work assignment where she needed me to stay. I had struggled to be alone and begin to live out my own space but it seemed too many people were being promoted to discourage me from living in Bombay and she was one of them. I felt uprooted and interrupted yet again. Within a few months, she began verbalising her hate towards me yet again, which i was familiar with since my humiliated childhood and it seems years of my struggle alone had only led to years of her hate against me. She humiliated me that i should exit bombay, that i as if had no right to ever living breathing in my own space and it really seemed a larger system was string puppeting this.I really didn't expect any thing more from the sibling since i had already experienced years of hate and humiliation in the shared home.
The army colonel father, too needed me to live inside their Delhi home now since they were alone and refusing to relocate to Mumbai despite all the Mumbai film,tv influences within the idiot boxes and television of the Delhi life i was brought up with.
So several people from my family were cutting up and making me abandon any living or working future in Bombay and instead of aspiring to finally live and work after years of effort, i was now going to be used in Delhi.

2012

I was open to new life experiences i expected in Delhi, maybe the systems trying to puppet me would finally let me live a serving,working,fulfilling life in Delhi instead of interrupting and destroying all my efforts, but it was only going to bring more humiliation for me. Or maybe Delhi would finally give me the answers i was looking for about how i was being watched,played with,controlled using technology, of the various faces that were still being forced on my face even after destroying my skin away.
Instead of beginning my own working and lived life i was supposed to begin living in the room of the Delhi house since 2012 just as i had been conditioned for since childhood, the conditioning that had led to derive greater love and friendship for inanimate objects of a home than any human or person. I still did have a dog though for company. My parents got me a car so that i could be mobile and did not have to use public transport any more if i didn't want. and i had a phone, which never rang. Within a few months i realised,i was not on any stage anywhere, not part of any film,tv company, not being inducted into any new service in Delhi but i was still being 'Played' with by an internal system and an extension of an external system. A Show apparently ran using my brain and bare body through technology, morphing several other faces on my face,to destroy any identification of my own kashmiri face in me and show the faces of indian non kashmiri people instead using me and there were several careers set up in Delhi and Bombay picking up roles and parts and direction and broadcast every time i was destroyed away. A show that involved the inside as well as outside that ignored the fact that i was not being made part of any credited work or living a working,earning life.

My nift trained elder sister was simultaneously flown to be posted through the army in Bombay now for the next few years after humiliating and forcing me to exit from Bombay.

Its 6 years since i am kept within the same room within Delhi along with my old parents, which has become the only home i am familiar with and ever since the people now using me remotely without disclosing their identity are using advanced technology to communicate with me into my brain and made known the various ways in which they have access to remotely puppet and control my brain and body.

On the outside an external show seemed to be feeding hate about me to other members of my family, the other sibling and the parents and since the ex colonel father had kept me severely humiliated since childhood i didn't expect anything new either. I have been kept used to loud outbursts of anger and demeaning and taunting and negating comments displayed by the ex colonel father and played out with the mother through which i can be further humiliated when he humiliates my mother about my unwanted existence. The external show seemed to be accepting the fact that i sensed, that my entire life as a girlchild and now woman had been broken into by an internal technology system and everything that my eyes saw, brain thought was kept bare for an internal system to watch without ever informing me obviously, my face had been toyed with so that i lose any recognition of my own kashmiri face and faces of india south indians, bengalis, punjabis,gujaratis be forced to be displayed on my face leaving me with nothing but personal misery of the years spent in Delhi growing up caged indoors and of being unutilised and humiliated away from Bombay. Maybe all of my own feeling was modified and played with, with artificial feeling added, they could add artificial thirst,hunger,fear,heat or even cold as they were finally doing now. Now they could even add artificial breath of any other person they wanted to force in. Sleep could be forced in artificially to create drowsiness, dreams could be forced into sleep time with whatever content they wished. But the external show also ran a show of mixing adulterated products into food products that were brought in from outside or food brands such as milk and salt. It seemed i was being forced to be played with as a free to use puppet whether i was part of any credit work or not. All of my personal direction from ignorance to destroyed aspiration of wanting to travel to kashmir since age 18 and all the personal effort i made on my computer had also been broken into to be added as free source material for various Delhi Mumbai careers that were being greenlit and were flourishing. The only heartening fact was that there were now several film shooting experiences being lived by the film and tv professionals of India in Kashmir and that a lot of creative vision was being routed towards Kashmir. I was obviously never made part of these professional Indian film,tv excursions in Kashmir I was meanwhile being humiliated by my parents and an external puppeting controlling system from within the room in Delhi. The Internal system kept playing into my brain and body communicating with me and revealing the technology they had access to control which seemed very advanced. But they were communicating their own humiliating comments about me into my brain, humiliating me about the fact that my non existent wardrobe didn't display their fashion experience, since i still haven't been given the experience of beginning to live life and they watched me drape old clothes from my delhi cupboard and cloth pieces around my body as my internal SHOW for them. They also humiliated me about the fact that i was not Meant to SHOW UP in Bombay with 'cum' on my face and that i was not their 'stellar' which also meant it was some mumbai based camp that was deciding that it was okay for me to be cut open and used as free show looting me of all my creative property,vision and effort since childhood for 3 decades now But Bombay city was meant to be only their show playground and they did not want my presence in their show playground. They humiliated me in several ways initially, but i playacted with them if that is what they were expecting to break into, the way i did with my own self since childhood to kill the loneliness of never really been allowed to express myself as my own self and this is the only lived life i have known for these 6 years. They were not leading me to any real lived or working life either or any new service life in Delhi they were either humiliating or using me internally as free source material about what i read or saw with my eyes, thought into my brain and my marriage with my own self for these 6 years which has kept opened to their internal system as a bare life lived in brain and body.  They displayed several advances of technology into the room and must have made several efforts in whatever shows they were setting up but they were not leading me towards any real lived life. While the external and internal dramas were being played with me from within the room, i did manage to convince my parents to travel with me to Kashmir in 2013. Other than that since i was given a car I could travel within Delhi of course alone as always and keep a few video grabs for company.

The game of adulteration and adulterated products was still being played on me but kept taking on very humiliating shape, salt was adulterated with chemicals so that my face be destroyed even further to SHOW chemically induced facial hair sprouting on it. Milk was still being adulterated with drugged chemicals to induce 'highs' and unnecessarily provocative nature. Criminals were busy at work. Hate mixed with salt, hate mixed with milk, hate and semen laced samosa, hate and semen laced products. And an internal i.t system controlling the aftermath.

So whose semen did you mix into the samosa you sent for me? Whose semen did you internally rape me with? Whose semen did you mix in the next set of food products fed to me?

 Within the home, my parents, especially the ex colonel father was still humiliating me still expressing hate towards me in every way, i still found no answers as to why i was born to be played with and humiliated and why a system was leeching onto me to play with me internally instead of ever giving me a professional career and family life the way i deserved. For the first time ever i communicated with my parents in humiliating ways as well, answering back the way i never had while being humiliated in childhood,however much i hated it,  because the ex colonel farther was deliberately provoking me and i realise that fact that other than being parents, the parents represent certain indian systems that have used their life in certain ways and perhaps puppeted them in certain ways and they belong more to those indian systems than just being my parents. Their personal hate towards me was not unexpected.

But despite all of it, enforced misunderstandings and my destroyed life and career, it's the parents who pay for me, they give me a place to stay in their home and i have several learning experiences from their experience and life struggles just as i have received knowledge from the struggles of my sisters and their artistic and literary involvements while we were growing up in the parents home and i have much to credit the influences of the parents and my siblings.

However I have lived these 6 years with no other person other than the internal system cutting me open to watch and use me as bare brain and body. Being humiliated into my brain and being humiliated each day by my parents didn't lead to creating any more creative writing work as i had managed to do in half a room or one room alone in Bombay. Despite that a few books gave me company. I gave myself away to this internal system in the hope that if they are making the effort to communicate with me, they might lead me to some truth about how i have been internally watched,broken up,used since childhood with whatever advanced technology. Instead they cut my life internally since childhood to continue to humiliate me and used all of my internal and external struggle to green light and make professional lives and careers for their own businesses based in Delhi and Bombay. I lived these 6 years in the hope that the savings of these 6 years that i have lived with myself in my parents house are with the internal system that i was opened up bare to, i do not know their identities,names or faces, it is upto them what meaning they wanted to give to the 6 years of being bare to them or what they want to reveal about using me.Its only towards the end of my 36th year that i opened myself up for a few months to strangers and chatroom spaces online since despite faceless communication into my brain, i felt isolated.

So Meanwhile the Indian system partied creating several professionals in various professional career fields that they promoted partying all the way.they partied creating television and radio broadcast professionals who they gave life and work and travel and financial experience to. They partied creating film and tv actor actress prostitutes whose lives and bodies were led and given flourishing careers and direction, lifestyles and life and travel experiences. They partied creating film and tv directors and assistant directors, writers and co-writers whose lives and careers were brought into various creative credited work perhaps using content,lives and struggles of other people cut open and added to their various flourishing paid careers. And they also created various indian political leaders brought into the working lives of various political parties of India. They partied creating several teachers and academic professionals promoted and paid and honoured. And of course they even partied creating theatre and drama artistes who perhaps were given parts with real direction to their lives, travel and life and human experiences.

With me at the end of age 36, I have lived with a face that was toyed with since childhood, kept away from its kashmiri identity and forced to live the misery and burden of other faces forced on to it for 3 decades now and then destroyed away in various ways as part of their real show of humiliating and destroying me. I neither have been give any real or meaningful direction of how to live life nor have i been made part of credited film or tv work. I have neither been brought into the booming professional broadcasting careers of India and the career party they enjoy nor have i ever been inducted for service to any political party.

I do not know how many people, eyes has my bare childhood and womanhood been exposed to internally through the internal system. I have never  lived a career utilizing my various struggles and efforts that i succeeded in within the Indian system. I have neither the financial independence that i deserved, to aspire to earn,save,give,invest with, despite consistent effort through my school and college years in India nor do i live a life of artistic,creative commerce.

I neither have the pleasures of marriage or motherhood nor do i have an independent life. Just the way the real girl that i was within, was suppressed all through childhood and wanted to reach out through media and communication to find answers, the real woman that i am has still not been channelised into an active working or lived life. At the end of 36 years i still have to make a career and life beginning which i have been denied of despite being used internally. At the end of year 36 I have neither travelled to Europe nor America or the Middle East, I have lived with access only of the world wide web.

 Despite a childhood struggle of never letting go of study time, my life has been mercilessly destroyed in India by Indians while their own Indian children of the hateful cities of Delhi and Bombay flourished just the way
the faces of their own children rode onto my face through technology while destroying away mine.

Yes, their have been 'makers' rather destroyers destroying me from being myself since childhood and for 3 decades now, who still have internal access into me by force and using their advanced technology to destroy my face especially and modify and toy with my brain and internals. And there is an external system of their hate that destroys me further. Together they destroyed my own personality and being as a Kashmiri and career aspirations of being from Delhi and Bombay and together they decided to destroy me instead of 'making' me. As those communicating into my brain now through technology reveal, They wanted to destroy my Muzzafarabadi Kashmiri face since beginning and force other non kashmiri faces onto it so that i am in misery of no recognition of my own self. They wanted to make me into a "Kinnar, aadamzaad,obese mass of flesh for them" and nothing but that to use me to market their own Indians with those faces and bodies, with no other realisation of my own personality or career or life aspiration, with the faces of indians forced on my face through technology instead of recognition of my own kashmiri face and then destroy my own face to destroy it physically with puss,spots,cum,pits, cuts and chemically induced facial hair who could be used as a transgendered male appearance and face for their repressed indian obviously non-kashmiri females with no life,being,personality,career,family of my own true self, destroying me instead of making me since birth, forcing their own indian appearances on me for their use instead of caring for me to be a fulfilled kashmiri woman unfortunately kept in India.  I have lived with misery these 36 years never told why these strange faces were appearing on my own face, like a predator,monster eating away at me from within.

Just as i lived in hostel rooms, half rooms and one room along with travelling in autos, buses, local trains i get used internally from within my delhi room. i still dont get invited to party with indians in delhi. i dont party with army parties or ias parties or the big indian television party they enjoy. i am sure they party with each other but none of these parties ever bothered to have any conversation with me the way they did with their partying tv professionals they pimped.

I at least deserve to know what are the systems through which my childhood was broken into and who all are the people and eyes that have had access to using me as a bare face,bare brain and bare body for 36 years now.

After all they have been watching me bare since childhood internally through technology and all through my struggle in Delhi and Mumbai and they have seen me be destroyed as a woman since childhood and obviously they must have only watched to be entertained and never care to stop or direct me from being destroyed, because they never wanted me to be 'made', they wanted me destroyed in every way, never bothering to converse with me or guide me.

I still have no real beginning to my life and career, i have been destroyed in several ways. Like my stolen computer data disk all of my life has been cut open in brain,thought, data and used away as free source material to greenlight several peoples lives and careers while destroying me away.
I don't want to have anything to do with any of the Indians who ever used me.

Trust nobody in India. Trust no indian army, trust no indian i. a. s. Trust no indian political party or politician. Trust no Indian educational institution business, trust no indian school or indian college. Trust no indian film or television or their makers or puppets even if they wear pakistani or foreign faces. Their propaganda and business is only to market nonkashmiri hindu votebanks in india and the world and they only market non kashmiri hindus via any other route they show - pakistan, foreign Europe or America, Kashmir or Indian muslims.

I have no trust with India and Indians now, 36 years of my life instead of being a fulfilling life and career experience has been just a bad experience in India. Yes, my face has been looted and destroyed since childhood and they looted away all my life of 36 years just like all the original written content generated by me in my computer data drive has been looted and used away as free source material, often creating published book titles and film titles and book and film content sold in other peoples name.I often spot books sold in other peoples names and film content made by other peoples name bearing the original content i created on my computer, in both Hindi and English.

My life and career aspirations have been strategically destroyed by India, Indians and Indian systems. All the potential for career and life within me has been left unutilised by the Indian system because power pimp show makers of India and their paid puppets wanted me to be destroyed away instead of me living life and work and to loot me of every aspiration in their Indian system to make careers and lives and businesses for their own misleading paid puppets. Still no beginning for me in life or work even at the end of year 36 while India continues to party.  They destroyed me strategically since childhood. I kept hoping year after year that some year i can begin living and working as my own personality and identity but the internal indian pimping game only wanted me used and destroyed away and year after year my own kashmiri identity was destroyed by indian power pimp systems looting me of every aspiration and puppeting their own misleading puppets in every field of work. Their Indian business was to mislead, waste and destroy me. My 'time', for life and career never began in India, they looted me of my life and career aspirations and by destroying my life and career they could market several careers of their own misleading puppets and pocket returns of fame, power, money and other businesses for their own pocket. The hindu given name to be pimped by hindu nonkashmiri political pimping business is just one part of their business. They have looted and destroyed me in many other ways

I stopped consuming Indian television in my teens, i have now stopped consuming indian film and indian film music.

The cities of Delhi and Bombay gave me no real lived career or life direction, their internal power pimping pimps destroyed me. While the city of Delhi tried to play clever with me by setting various traps for me, by misleading my childhood and keeping me indoors within a civil area, trying to exhaust me through school and college years and cleverly misleading me away from aspiring for a career in Indian broadcast journalism, the city did much worse to me when i reached here in 2012 and laid bare their real intentions of humiliating and harming me.

The city of Bombay, although provided fresh sea breeze exposed what a fun party all of India has been living through. The film directors of Bombay were so blind that they could only see the Indian grime on my face and couldn't see the technology which was being abused internally to force other faces on my face. They were so blind that they had no life direction from me, instead vision from my destroyed life and struggle was routinely added to their businesses to be sold as their credit. Now they have access to prostitute bodies from foreign countries to whom they write parts, maintain lifestyle for and fly on multiple foreign flights. But the primary business of Indian Bollywood remains providing work,lifestyle,money and foreign holidays to the cast at birth eggs born within film families with whom they run businesses. Bollywood therefore runs primarily on theft, stolen content, looted careers and lives while these businesses are run.

Both these cities eventually gave no realisation to my career or professional life or personal beginning to life and eventually these Indian cities and the power pimping systems that run them and have access to me internally and their system outside gave me a life of  hate,humiliation,mock,rape,abort,abuse.

At the end of year 36 i am still being used from within the confines of a delhi home room through a forced system using technology to force 'sleep'  forced drowsiness, forced dreams, forced communication in the brain, forced faces on my face and no beginning to my life or career. They continue to destroy me especially my face using internal technology as they did since innocent childhood. They force their own indian faces on me and continue to destroy me.

Indian power pimps have looted me of my life and career aspiration. They did not and still do not give me even the freedom to breathe in my own kashmiri face. My face, life, body brain is still used internally as a free show bare for them while they destroy me to market lives and careers for their non kashmiris.

They rape my face and try to destroy my kashmiri identity to use it to market their non kashmiri hindu votebanks.

Misleading my innocent childhood towards stage 'acting' since childhood was just a cleverly plotted trap to destroy me from professional careers and life and make my face,body available internally to be played with bare. Somewhere, an Indian pimp has 'control' over my face,brain,body through which they continued to rape my face all through destroyed life in Delhi and Bombay to rape me of my own kashmiri face and force the faces of indians on my face of their indian kinnars by raping my face away.  They gave me no life and career, no direction to life, they raped away my face both in Delhi and Bombay and destroyed my life in many more ways than that.

My life is destroyed away even before it can begin.