Delhi-Melbourne-Delhi-Pune-Mumbai-Delhi or the next 15 years after 2001-Haters made their hate known by destroying my life and career further.

2002

I was In India finally with a partly destroyed face and skin looking for somewhere to work. I contacted a senior employee of the Delhi tabloid who gave me the contact of Indian film maker Subhash Ghai who needed a Delhi based researcher temporarily but was also busy setting up his film institute called Whistling woods international. The film he was making was an Indian Pakistan bridge with references to the 1971 war between the two and was meant to star big established stars.  Meanwhile at home, the ex colonel once again forced to interfere in the beginning of my career, he decided that my market rate should be not more than 5,000rs per month. I met the film maker with the same expectation and was hired.  What the ex colonel probably wanted to imply was that despite my student record and extra curricular use the ex colonel was permitting me into film based work, not for monetary returns.  

2003 at 22 years My job entailed the most boring part of the film making pre production process, reading historical records from within libraries, such as old newsprint, sourcing photos and readings and being isolated all over again in a work from home setting, and certain other Indian defence based permission seeking, but it was the first ever real temporary job.  The colonels house simultaneously needed my presence as well since the family was going to give up their government accommodation following my doctor mothers retirement from the government job and we were going to move in to our own home for the very first time, locations were being scouted, several homes and areas visited to find a home we could finally live in and call our own.

Unfortunately, or perhaps as directed by the internal politics of the film industry or other controlling factors, the India Pak film got shelved.

A New film was to begin as an India-U.K bridge instead with no big stars as the previous shelved project had promised. I had little knowledge of UK based pre partition politics, my interest was clearly reading about Kashmir in the same libraries I visited for the job which I read individually, separately.   I was brought in as a Delhi based outsider to the film unit, I was kept away from the goings on of the film crew, or the creative process of the film in making. The veteran caring director though did give me his valuable advice and tips occasionally and asked about what cinema vision I had as an outsider and I shared that instead of the big budget large mounted popular Indian cinema I also wanted to see smaller scale films and independent film work, films made on a smaller financial scale but equally meritorious covering more human stories than the big budget popular work. Some smaller budget films were also greenlit.

Where could this lead me to, the assistants at job, refused to encourage me into being an assistant director. Their reasons were, they needed people they could stuff into their cars, I was too tall on them or big on them or whatever it was about me that went against being given creative work! It was negative, all of it, no entry towards the film making process. I was also refused entry from wanting to attend their story workshops by their assistants. This was not going to be bring any direction to my life either, nobody here was going to make an assistant director or writer out of me, I was their unwanted outsider. It wasn’t enough work for me. I took on another parallel job in Delhi, this time with the public service broadcasting trust, that made and financed independent documentaries that paid me 10,000rs a month for their office work and through it I acknowledged that I had grown up consuming Indian public broadcasting and also stood for the alternative space that financed content that never found its way on India;s public broadcaster especially rich and valuable documentary resources about Kashmir. 

The Bombay film company Mukta Arts which gave me other valuable Delhi based work experiences like sourcing historical material, running to courier shops, libraries and visiting taj mahal for the first time ever along with their visiting foreign crew were varied general experiences for the first job ever and I also got to see a film set for the very first time during the shoot in Delhi. They also raised my income to 10,000 rs and offered whether I would like to apply to become a part of their new institute but the two jobs together were still not finance enough for me to finance a place in their lavish but expensive upcoming institute. Other than that there was no encouragement to see me in Mumbai. Instead I purchased my own handycam camcorder for the first time ever with whatever I earned.

However, all previous professional aspirations had been destroyed at every step by Indian systems and the shelved film was another one of them. I had to find a place to exist and nobody was ever going to direct my life to anywhere. .  There was no entry or beginning to any career for me, there was yet another Indian written end to my career.

2004

2004- at 23 years With this knowledge I applied for a year of scriptwriting at the Film and T.V Institute of India and invested the remains of what I earned from Mukta Arts and PSBT as affordable course fee.  I had already begun typing fiction into my computer in Melbourne and wrote short stories in my computer during the plenty of spare time between the Mukta Arts and PSBT jobs. This was probably just stemming out of my compulsory journal writing habit from my pre teen years and I really didn’t want to do anything specific with it but I really wanted to learn some basic writing methods that I had been introduced to during the video course in Melbourne. Pune was a pleasant city with fresh air. For the first time in my experience of India was there cool temperature and breeze, Delhi was a hot city with still or no air. Within a year its course head Anjum Rajabali and Ashwini Malik inculcated a writing discipline, although the course was strictly meant to be sadly kept away from the other goings on of the Film and T.V Institute of India, yet another experience of an isolated island space. Through the year I acknowledged that I had consumed all kinds of retro cinema and public broadcast tv in India in the first 15 years my life and all that consumption finally had some meaning. I literally grew up on Indian content since infancy and also consumed some alternative indian cinema and foreign cinema at the journalism college. This was going to be an extension of it, retro cinema from all parts of the world, cinematic classics, their visuals and music, was all much worthy of being consumed as if the years within the government home watching retro Indian cinema in nothing more than a house and its tree laden lane outside for company was already the beginning of film school for me and every memory from the sacred space of Indian film making in Indian history remains very special for me in my memory.  I finally had access to creative fiction spaces, a lot of my writing work here was a throwback to influences that were added to my life in terms of the Indian experiences, i wanted to promote the bridge between the literary arts and cinema by adapting a short story written by Rabindranath Tagore into a full length film script as an acknowledgment of the enormous number of Bengali students I had been acquainted to in Delhi other than the Bengal based cinema I got to consume at FTII and also wrote a Kolkata based story visiting Kolkata and Shantiniketan for a week. I could have also adapted Shakespeare acknowledging the intermittent English theatre (albeit non shakesperean) experience of the army school but I only went as far as purchasing a guide book about Shakesperean works and instead wanted to acknowledge Indian culture and the Indian arts at the Indian film school as the primary source material consumed by me growing up in Delhi. But my acknowledgement of Indian culture is only by knowing it through its cinema, arts and literature and not by aspiring to become them in any other way. The other written stories given away to the FTII weaved experiences about media and science, such as scientific haloed figures like Einstein brought into a film world story, once again acknowledging the fact and effort of being a science student and the special mysteries of science that could ever find their way into film, if they ever wanted to. Two other stories were about a Kashmiri family where I finally began writing out my interest in revisiting Kashmir and continuing to learn and read more about it.  At the Film Institute of India, writing experiences into words and viewing cinema pure to its culture and roots it became clearer to me that when I wrote I was not an Indian Gujarati, south Indian or Bengali, even if my cultural Kashmiri roots remain broken or destroyed, in ignorance or being brought up away from Kashmir I remain a Kashmiri. At the end of the course, after all the written material was submitted some of the resident students also made me part of their classroom projects to act in them, where I also discovered experiences like applying professional make up to my destroyed skin and face for the very first time. 

Of course the year spent at the FTII was once again against the wishes and permission of the ex army colonel father and not 3 years of specializing in film direction training he did not want me to exist here even for a year long course. Most importantly at the FTII I was free to live as a woman with my own identity, no one was forcing me to play act as a boy or man here, no one was forcing me to get my hair cut off or promote a dead male grandfathers face instead of my own, along with applying myself creatively, such freedom was unknown to me before this.

2005

But the end of the course, finally brought a work offer from an independent film production company based in South Bombay that wanted me to write original concepts on their generic themes for a salary of 25,000 a month, the highest salary ever paid to me in India which meant that I was capable enough of financial independence in Bombay on my own and by Indian poverty standards it is great income even if most of it was used up in room rent! I could continue to purchase my own books and a few films.]

Their primary interest then was making independent horror films partnering with UK and getting to watch the international gems of horror cinema was quite enriching cinematically! I got to live as a paying guest in South Mumbai overlooking Bombay high rises quite reminiscent of the very first video memories I recorded in Melbourne, but was once again not part of any film making process just a paid concept generator. This work lasted for a year as I wanted to be in other parts of Bombay;s film making city that I had seen in my childhood years through the Indian television. Among the many concepts generated over the salaried job was one titled ,The Weed, about the drug taking habits of urban areas but several foreign films had already been made on the subject and I did not personally want to hold on to any of the concepts I generated at I Dream production working desk.

2006-7

I approached film maker Anurag Kashyap the maker of the largely independent Black Friday which had been banned and un released and based on his suggestion I moved away from the high rent paying south Mumbai area because 'we people' spend too much money on 'rent' !! I now moved into half a room instead shared with an editor friend of the FTII tv course in a working womens hostel in bandra west.  The Shram Sadhna trust hostel really summed up the warmth of the people of India while having been a student in India all these years,allowing me to be one of their own system. The ex colonel father agreed to take over the burden of my finances from here on, since he was strictly against me accepting any loans or payments from any other individual in Bombay city. 2,000 Rs a month for the half room hostel and some basic expenditure on the usage of the internet, purchase of mini DV tapes for the sparingly used video camera, It was heartening that the ex army colonel was agreeing to pay for all it. It;s largely within this working women’s hostel that I extended my individual scriptwriting experience which meant I lived within the newly purchased laptop and words that became scripts, characters, stories.  I continued to source the happenings in Kashmir over the web and kept saving resources about Kashmir on my computer. I  also befriended an aspiring photographer in Srinagar, Kashmir who agreed to befriend me and whose social media profile became a personal view of Kashmir and I requested him to become the kashmiri eyes through which I could see the sights of Kashmir I had been brought up away from. It was heartening to befriend a Kashmiri in a personal way, watching Kashmir even if online is like watching cinema in all its colour and vibrancy, with nature adding to the drama and the people beloved artistes in every way. Other than the film music that Indian films were producing, music from Pakistan also reached me over the internet, other than the film scripts I read and wrote which poetry continued to give me company. Parallely, a cinema blog called    www. passionforcinema.com was initiated by some cinema fanatics and it brought me back in contact with director anurag kashyap among several other directors who wrote their Bombay work experiences here. These were people from Indias film industry who had actually got work experiences and lived careers in the industry, they had lived work and had earned credit and experiences but there were also people who were Indians based in other countries as well as cinema passionate people aspiring to work in film, film reviewers, film admirers and other film related people. By contributing to this blog I got to attend a few film shoots by these semi independent film makers in Bombay and write about. I was never made into an assistant into the anurag kashyap crew either or get any work in film but I got to attend and videograph events like the black Friday release party, film shoots in Bombays Dharavi slum and a film studio. Several working professionals of the Indian film industry contributed to the blog. I also got to attend a few house parties where film makers met, discussed their work and even a script reading session, for the first time I was getting to attend a few film related events outside of the film institute.  Bombay city also held several events of interest about culture and film, documentary screenings and even those related to Kashmir. I remained an outsider of Indias film,tv world but the city took me in as its own, because i was finally in a city with bearable temperature and pleasant sea breeze. But unfortunately there was no professional work or further work based training, no one was training me further in camera skills or employing me as their writer or co writer, something I was prepared for many years now. The only gratification was that I was around the space which was promoting smaller, independent films other than big budget monsters that hyper promoted on a media overdrives which eventually end up fulfilling the career prospects of a pre selected since birth set of film family born moneyed cast. 

Unfortunately, the director had no use for my work and did not take me on as a writer or co writer, and I never shared any of the other written work I had ever written on my computer over the years. They did not like what i wrote in a script to show to them which was about a face and a photographer revealing the I.T system that had play modelled my face since childhood. Also I was not on show or display, I was living out of half a room of minimum space within a working womens hostel in bandra east and with no income or lifestyle or personal purchases of clothes or appearance to be placed on show or display anywhere. I wasn’t around the show business of the Bombay industry just around aspirants and mostly like a wastrel hangers-on. My personal world consisted of the interior of half a hostel room,a laptop, the words, scripts, characters I kept generating on it, a phone and a long distance cathartic friendship with Kashmir over the internet.  I still applied to a TV channel to aspire to report in Kashmir to be able to travel there but was discouraged for aspiring to live in what they called Kashmiria, certainly Kashmiria was appealing to me more, even long distance than India, clearly because Kashmiria was not enjoying and living the same party life that Indians were enjoying in India including Indian journalism and mostly Indian Tv journalism. Obviously an Indian system still did not want me to be part of their ongoing tv business party.

Meanwhile the black Friday film maker took his business to the business of karan johars business shop among other mainstream business shops like UTV etc so this business shop never opened the doors of world cinema to me either. Clearly business priorities were shifting the business interests of the Black Friday director;s party elsewhere in Film family career propagation and Dharma production business interests,may as well have been Karan Johar;s Black Friday success party! The passionforcinema.com website with all its director and aspirant pages was also eventually sold out somewhere, with its entire resource taken off the world wide web.

So did these Indian film makers add any film making skills to me, introduce me to camera use or bother about what i struggled with on my computer. The Answer is NO. They were being promoted to promote their own film making credits while negating me and watching me further wasted away and destroyed in half a room as per their Indian direction.

These Indian film makers by participating in further destroying me and not adding any new film making skills to me and by cutting through the years meant for my career, instead pocketed more work and profits for their own selves and in time expanded their own business with business and work with film family born film star eggs and every film prostitute they greenlight, furthering their own film family business as well as expanding themselves into foreign travel and foreign film festival exposure, basically being pumped up with enough work and money for negating and cutting my career and life out of the way. But these are the faces of India and these are the life experiences experienced with Indians who are given work, money, lifestyle, careers. So they were partying and working along with both foreign funded film making exposure as well as Indian film,tv brothel film family egg shops, profiting work and credit for their bloated Indian pot bellies from both ends and making an open media publicised show of it with enough media coverage pumped into them whereas I was given no beginning to any career or life.  These were just a few public fame faces promoted, but so many more public faces found more work and career by using me as free source material and giving no beginning to my life or career.

I had no money to make purchases of any great world cinema resource after what I had watched at FTII other than a few screenings organized within Bombay city.

Watching visuals and news and other online resources from Kashmir kept me breathing in an alternative parallel world that I felt I belonged to and was incompletely reconnected to through the choice of studying journalism and even though tv news and documentary cameras were known to already routinely visited bloodied Kashmir just as I chose to script at the FTII, this time I was wishing that film cameras, if not Pakistani or world cinema, Indian cinema involve interested Kashmiris into the Indian film industry and the Indian film industry create content in Kashmir to temporarily ease the burden of conflict and add to the narrative of contemporary Kashmir.

For the first time, there was something within the Bombay city air that was allowing me to breathe, literally, whereas in the still air of Delhi my nasal passage seemed so blocked as if artificially through technology that I could not even breathe in a healthy way. It even made singing along to my choice of Pakistani music that I heard over the internet less effortless, nobody was directing me towards listening to music or singing along with it but just a long distance viewership of Kashmir over the web and a long distance friendship, with abject loneliness within India, it was my own initiative and a response to finally being able to breathe. Pakistani voice quality felt more familiar and home like than the Indian voices that made up the Indian film music from Bombay that I had consumed in Delhi.

I had never been allowed access to a still camera and still didn’t own one, but with the cellular phone now incorporating a camera in it, I preserved a few photographs of my face for the first time ever, where I noticed that my face was being shaped to look different in various photographs as if somebody was forcibly morphing my face according to their needs. Within the hostel life, once again my face was hideously spotted off with marks and puss and cum, repeatedly killing my face off repeatedly. On some other occasions, it cleared up entirely.

Travelling to Kashmir on my own was still strictly prohibited by the parents in Delhi but my perspective remained different from theirs. There was nowhere else to travel for me either, no travel opportunity, no new sights to consume but the sea breeze in Bombay kept me breathing.

Hostel life with no remuneration and no travel experience to anywhere and having lived too many years indoors over the years, ultimately took a toll on my health and I succumbed to disease and jaundice, with several blood tests and routine health check ups and the parents at home I recuperated, my body and skin further wasted away and destroyed by disease this time but recovered health within a few months.  My passport with Pakistan and australias visas stamped on it and a back up hard disk of creative content that I keyed into my computer was stolen. I applied for a brand new passport. The dreams within my brain,rather nightmares seemed more scripted now and I began noting them

2008

 The hostel area which really became my only home in Bombay seemed very politically active, so much that the owner of the hostel was elevated to becoming the president of india in the same years. The first time I felt less averse towards the politicians of India even if Bombay city promoted news stories about Maharashtra discouraging North Indians migrating here.

I chose to return to Bombay yet again, at a writers conference I was offered work by Indian film actress Deepti naval on another research job at 5,000 rs a month for a few months researching for some film work but at least I had an office space to attend away from the tight hostel space.

Film maker Sudhir Mishra who was one of the directors who wrote at the passionforcinemablog and who was also kind enough to acknowledge my existence also eventually finally offered me to work as an assistant but by now I had already lived off my hostel life as a wastrel being an assistant to my own self! 

Years of being indoors had taken toll on my body eventually and I really had no direction for my own self other than being closer to understanding Kashmir, however the burden of the first 20 years of the hideous chaos of the Delhi life was still damaging me internally with no suitable expression to deal with it other than my own words on my own laptop. In a way I had abandoned the hideous chaos of the first 20 years in Delhi and had preferred to add new knowledge and positivity of creating on my computer but   I needed any direction from Bombay, for my own self this time and not for the characters I was creating on my computer.

On an instinct one morning spotting an advertisement flyer, I walked into yet another theatre workshop, for the first ever time in Bombay, at Nadira Zaheer Babbar,s Ekjute theatre workshop. Initially, I expected that they wouldn’t take me in since my face and skin was by now badly destroyed but I was surprised that they did. I was finally amidst the creative buzz of theatre aspirants and within the creative space of professional theatre for a little more than the week long theatre workshop training that I had ever attended in Delhi. For the first time, the half hearted attempt by the army school to use me for their stage distracting me from single minded achievement in studies during school years with no real follow up to it, was being put to some use and had some meaning after all. But unlike the army school experience of no education about the body as an instrument while only being encouraged to cram and spit but for the first time my name, face, body and creative interest all were all being applied in real professional creative theatre process. Along with that, some poetry I read and wrote within the hostel reconnecting with Kashmir, the music that appealed to me all found a creative space to exist.  Music and body movement being trained for the stage healed me of all the years of living indoors. I was hoping it to be a travelling theatre group so that I could finally see more places in India but instead it remained a Bombay only based experience, I got to finally see the Prithvi theatre stage as a theatre artist as I had once wished for at age 11-12 in Delhi. For the first time my feet really had movement and music to tap to and lived through the experience of being in a musical that was staged with the likeness of Bollywood style colour and glitz. I got to play one of the singing girl prostitutes and received music training for the very first time in life.  I was eventually cast as a singing girl servant prostitute according to the Hindu prostitution system which was being staged. For the first time I also got to be onto stage in one of the specially made costumes instead of the hand me down clothes from home that I had worn on every theatre stage outing in Delhi. and felt for the first time what a nourishing and enriching process it is to be .made. into anyone. Since I was never made a professional part of Indias film or tv I had never attended any of the highly publicized colourful Indian film tv shows, events, award functions or party shows organized in various parts of Bombay which have been routinely crossing over to foreign locales as well but a few months within the theatre group made up for all the missing colour and music that was part of Indian film or tv but never a part of my life in Delhi or Bombay. Since the leader of the theatre group was also a playwright, it was adding to my writing experience as well.

But there were still no professional offers of any kind for me anywhere in Bombay and neither did I have any expectations from India. I was still a freely available, mostly free to use human resource in every way in India and even though my face was constantly being destroyed I was still being surviving alive. Even though I was still not on any other professional display, for the first time ever I had occasion to invest my parent’s money to purchase a few fresh clothes from Bombay city for myself. Delhi had never brought me such a lifestyle of any shopping splurges and neither had Bombay thus far.

2009

 I was still hoping to begin some working life in Bombay and wanted to move into at least a one room flat instead of the half room hostel. The theatre shows got over but my mind was consumed by some of the bewildering facts that had been bothering me about the past, priority amongst them was the concept of big brother control I had been educated in Melbourne about, I had still found no clear answers to it, also why was my face looking different in different photographs, but most importantly how were my thoughts and creative ideas finding their way into books and films, names from the characters in some of my script work finding way into mainstream films without me being made part of these projects. Clearly, something was bothering me on the inside, which was not allowing me to know my own existence and was not being expressed completely in whatever I wrote on my computer all these years. The social media still kept me in touch with Kashmir as a virtual window. Other than the script about contemporary Kashmir I was attempting on my computer I also wanted to script something about the courageous news reporters of Kashmir whose news I continued to read online and had admired since being a journalism student in delhi.

There was nothing new for me in Bombay. No life changing experiences or travel opportunities. It was time to move away from the cramped hostel space. With some theatre movement finally added to my life for the first time ever, at least my body felt lighter, wish if the army school had applied some seriousness to using me for their stage activity, it could have happened much earlier, but the army school were no professionals to create or make my personality in any way, they were just imposing hobbies on me to repeatedly disrupt my study routine.

All kinds of strangers were also contacting me through my social media profile but that’s the world of the social media to accept and deal with. I finally also preserved a few photographs of myself in Bombay city, lest there be no other record of my existence in this city and the memories spent here. It had been several years, no body in India was ever going to make me part of their working credited lived film or television life just as I was cut away from becoming a part of commercial Indian broadcasting and destroyed away in several ways.

2010

By 2010 I really wanted to be made part of any life to live, any real working and travelling life experiences to add to my life and give me some knowledge of lived life. But i couldn't ignore knowing about the ways in which i was being 'played' internally, the multiple faces forced on my face since childhood and all the ways my meaningless struggle since childhood had not led me to a lived career, working or any other life. I was only digging into my own self and still feeling my own self, nobody was giving any clear direction to my life with any honesty nor were they leading me to a living working life. I could sense i was being humiliated further internally through various controlling systems but since i was used to being humiliated since childhood it didn't really didn't expect anything else.
I still did not have any experience of living in what i could call my own home and half a room of the working womens hostel along with a virtual world of webspace and other peoples film careers couldn't be called a home to live in anymore.
I was looking for places where i could feel a little rooted, somewhere i could belong to, the government homes i grew up in in delhi of course were not our own, they went away as they were meant to, to others, the home in delhi still felt unfamiliar since i had lived years away from it.
My life, time, body,creative potential was still being wasted away, unchannelised, not utilised adequately and living within the words i gave to a computer,books i read, video grabs i made of routine life and sourcing mostly kashmir news and visuals online couldn't really be called a home to live or a working career, it was all just effort,unchannelised,untilised.
I really wanted to know the truth about my sense that my face was displaying several appearances since childhood and whether my brain and body were also being used the way my face was. Clearly nobody in Delhi or Mumbai really cared to tell me any truth and were perhaps expecting me not just wasted and destroyed away but dead by now. I really was letting others lead me to wherever they wanted to lead me so that at least that would lead me to whoever knew about my existence and was trying to exert their control on me or any truth it would lead me to.

In March 2010 i walked in alone again at the film institute of india in pune in hope that maybe that space could play the part of a familiar home like space if no other existed. There was a party on, but i still felt like an outsider, the way i felt everywhere in Delhi and Mumbai, An actor student from Jammu approached me while i was alone, got friendly and led me to kiss and bed. His action was to show me his erect penis and then to get my jeans off, to stick his penis into my butt hole and ejaculate there. Obviously i was never told whose directions were being followed. It seemed my body was being directed to be used like this since there was no other physical live sex act i was ever made part of in life, in university, any hotel room or anybody's home. So this was the only time and place i was ever bare in any space outside my own room.  It was as humiliating as any other humiliating experience i've been made to live through. But the way i lived through every other humiliation i have been subjected to, i lived through this too. But somehow i felt i was not the only one being abused like this that the actor also by following whoesoevers direction he was following was also succumbing to abuse. Whoever set this up and string puppeted 'direction' not only wanted me humiliated, abused and destroyed further, they wanted to loot away the existence and attachment of the film and tv institute pune in my life.
 I survived, i survived the night, i survived the bruised lips and i survived the subsequent hospital visits all alone as always, with the actor student showing up only once again since he was too busy in shoots.

So, on whose direction was i openly abused here?


After surviving the hospitals and medicines, i wanted to live in at least one room of my own. All alone, i looked for a room to live in in Bombay at the lower rates available and packed my sparse belongings from the half room of the hostel to a room to live in, I was still alone and singled out with no real direction from anywhere but since i had survived i had hope that maybe i could live a working life and all my singular effort could be channelised and made into work. That could have been a future to live in. Within a few months several strangers were still getting friendly and reacting to me online as i mostly surfed the news and visuals there.  A journalist employed with a delhi newspaper contacted me online and after sweet small talk which was about accompanying me to a much delayed visit to Kashmir, came to meet me in Bombay which led to more kiss displays in Bombay and public places in Delhi. It seemed to me that whoever was using me internally and trying to control and destroy me externally was now directing my life to be a bare display of sexual acts conducted through strangers and nothing but that. But a few months passed again, other than more negating talk i really didn't get any companionship to kashmir from the journalist either who was discouraging me from living anymore in Bombay instead of encouraging me to finally live a working life there. It was time to give more direct closures to all the ways in which i had been humiliated in Delhi and Bombay,especially on public stages so on a visit to Delhi, i asked the director of the theatre group where i was once given a humiliating lead part in a workshop to stage a short performance about the various voices and feeling about Kashmir i wanted to express based on the years of consuming news content and material about kashmir and trying to reconnect with kashmir despite being cut away from travelling to or living in Kashmir. It was mostly scripted by the Indian director but for the first time i decided what clothes i would wear to be SHOWN on stage and added a little of my own expression that was trying to find a way through some poetry. After the staging of the show, i travelled to Srinagar alone for the first time and my scarred and destroyed skin got to breathe the Kashmiri air it had grown up away from and destroyed before it could ever visit Kashmir. I took help from an actor of the Bombay based theatre group who led me to the home of their relatives where i could stay a few days and by being at the Kashmir University i also interacted with the media institute there.
Back in Bombay i was compiling my experiences of visiting Kashmir and trying to hope that i could begin some working and living life out of a one room kitchen life in Bombay that with all the effort made over the years i would surely get some work now, with a remuneration i deserved and i could begin living. But there were more interruptions. My elder sister married into the indian army decided she now wanted to work in Bombay and made me give up my own independent room and life to live in the apartment given to her sudden work assignment where she needed me to stay. I had struggled to be alone and begin to live out my own space but it seemed too many people were being promoted to discourage me from living in Bombay and she was one of them. I felt uprooted and interrupted yet again. Within a few months, she began verbalising her hate towards me yet again, which i was familiar with since my humiliated childhood and it seems years of my struggle alone had only led to years of her hate against me. She humiliated me that i should exit bombay, that i as if had no right to ever living breathing in my own space and it really seemed a larger system was string puppeting this.I really didn't expect any thing more from the sibling since i had already experienced years of hate and humiliation in the shared home.
The army colonel father, too needed me to live inside their Delhi home now since they were alone and refusing to relocate to Mumbai despite all the Mumbai film,tv influences within the idiot boxes and television of the Delhi life i was brought up with.
So several people from my family were cutting up and making me abandon any living or working future in Bombay and instead of aspiring to finally live and work after years of effort, i was now going to be used in Delhi.

2012

I was open to new life experiences i expected in Delhi, maybe the systems trying to puppet me would finally let me live a serving,working,fulfilling life in Delhi instead of interrupting and destroying all my efforts, but it was only going to bring more humiliation for me. Or maybe Delhi would finally give me the answers i was looking for about how i was being watched,played with,controlled using technology, of the various faces that were still being forced on my face even after destroying my skin away.
Instead of beginning my own working and lived life i was supposed to begin living in the room of the Delhi house since 2012 just as i had been conditioned for since childhood, the conditioning that had led to derive greater love and friendship for inanimate objects of a home than any human or person. I still did have a dog though for company. My parents got me a car so that i could be mobile and did not have to use public transport any more if i didn't want. and i had a phone, which never rang. Within a few months i realised,i was not on any stage anywhere, not part of any film,tv company, not being inducted into any new service in Delhi but i was still being 'Played' with by an internal system and an extension of an external system. A Show apparently ran using my brain and bare body through technology, morphing several other faces on my face,to destroy any identification of my own kashmiri face in me and show the faces of indian non kashmiri people instead using me and there were several careers set up in Delhi and Bombay picking up roles and parts and direction and broadcast every time i was destroyed away. A show that involved the inside as well as outside that ignored the fact that i was not being made part of any credited work or living a working,earning life.

My nift trained elder sister was simultaneously flown to be posted through the army in Bombay now for the next few years after humiliating and forcing me to exit from Bombay.

Its 6 years since i am kept within the same room within Delhi along with my old parents, which has become the only home i am familiar with and ever since the people now using me remotely without disclosing their identity are using advanced technology to communicate with me into my brain and made known the various ways in which they have access to remotely puppet and control my brain and body.

On the outside an external show seemed to be feeding hate about me to other members of my family, the other sibling and the parents and since the ex colonel father had kept me severely humiliated since childhood i didn't expect anything new either. I have been kept used to loud outbursts of anger and demeaning and taunting and negating comments displayed by the ex colonel father and played out with the mother through which i can be further humiliated when he humiliates my mother about my unwanted existence. The external show seemed to be accepting the fact that i sensed, that my entire life as a girlchild and now woman had been broken into by an internal technology system and everything that my eyes saw, brain thought was kept bare for an internal system to watch without ever informing me obviously, my face had been toyed with so that i lose any recognition of my own kashmiri face and faces of india south indians, bengalis, punjabis,gujaratis be forced to be displayed on my face leaving me with nothing but personal misery of the years spent in Delhi growing up caged indoors and of being unutilised and humiliated away from Bombay. Maybe all of my own feeling was modified and played with, with artificial feeling added, they could add artificial thirst,hunger,fear,heat or even cold as they were finally doing now. Now they could even add artificial breath of any other person they wanted to force in. Sleep could be forced in artificially to create drowsiness, dreams could be forced into sleep time with whatever content they wished. But the external show also ran a show of mixing adulterated products into food products that were brought in from outside or food brands such as milk and salt. It seemed i was being forced to be played with as a free to use puppet whether i was part of any credit work or not. All of my personal direction from ignorance to destroyed aspiration of wanting to travel to kashmir since age 18 and all the personal effort i made on my computer had also been broken into to be added as free source material for various Delhi Mumbai careers that were being greenlit and were flourishing. The only heartening fact was that there were now several film shooting experiences being lived by the film and tv professionals of India in Kashmir and that a lot of creative vision was being routed towards Kashmir. I was obviously never made part of these professional Indian film,tv excursions in Kashmir I was meanwhile being humiliated by my parents and an external puppeting controlling system from within the room in Delhi. The Internal system kept playing into my brain and body communicating with me and revealing the technology they had access to control which seemed very advanced. But they were communicating their own humiliating comments about me into my brain, humiliating me about the fact that my non existent wardrobe didn't display their fashion experience, since i still haven't been given the experience of beginning to live life and they watched me drape old clothes from my delhi cupboard and cloth pieces around my body as my internal SHOW for them. They also humiliated me about the fact that i was not Meant to SHOW UP in Bombay with 'cum' on my face and that i was not their 'stellar' which also meant it was some mumbai based camp that was deciding that it was okay for me to be cut open and used as free show looting me of all my creative property,vision and effort since childhood for 3 decades now But Bombay city was meant to be only their show playground and they did not want my presence in their show playground. They humiliated me in several ways initially, but i playacted with them if that is what they were expecting to break into, the way i did with my own self since childhood to kill the loneliness of never really been allowed to express myself as my own self and this is the only lived life i have known for these 6 years. They were not leading me to any real lived or working life either or any new service life in Delhi they were either humiliating or using me internally as free source material about what i read or saw with my eyes, thought into my brain and my marriage with my own self for these 6 years which has kept opened to their internal system as a bare life lived in brain and body.  They displayed several advances of technology into the room and must have made several efforts in whatever shows they were setting up but they were not leading me towards any real lived life. While the external and internal dramas were being played with me from within the room, i did manage to convince my parents to travel with me to Kashmir in 2013. Other than that since i was given a car I could travel within Delhi of course alone as always and keep a few video grabs for company.

The game of adulteration and adulterated products was still being played on me but kept taking on very humiliating shape, salt was adulterated with chemicals so that my face be destroyed even further to SHOW chemically induced facial hair sprouting on it. Milk was still being adulterated with drugged chemicals to induce 'highs' and unnecessarily provocative nature. Criminals were busy at work. Hate mixed with salt, hate mixed with milk, hate and semen laced samosa, hate and semen laced products. And an internal i.t system controlling the aftermath.

So whose semen did you mix into the samosa you sent for me? Whose semen did you internally rape me with? Whose semen did you mix in the next set of food products fed to me?

 Within the home, my parents, especially the ex colonel father was still humiliating me still expressing hate towards me in every way, i still found no answers as to why i was born to be played with and humiliated and why a system was leeching onto me to play with me internally instead of ever giving me a professional career and family life the way i deserved. For the first time ever i communicated with my parents in humiliating ways as well, answering back the way i never had while being humiliated in childhood,however much i hated it,  because the ex colonel farther was deliberately provoking me and i realise that fact that other than being parents, the parents represent certain indian systems that have used their life in certain ways and perhaps puppeted them in certain ways and they belong more to those indian systems than just being my parents. Their personal hate towards me was not unexpected.

But despite all of it, enforced misunderstandings and my destroyed life and career, it's the parents who pay for me, they give me a place to stay in their home and i have several learning experiences from their experience and life struggles just as i have received knowledge from the struggles of my sisters and their artistic and literary involvements while we were growing up in the parents home and i have much to credit the influences of the parents and my siblings.

However I have lived these 6 years with no other person other than the internal system cutting me open to watch and use me as bare brain and body. Being humiliated into my brain and being humiliated each day by my parents didn't lead to creating any more creative writing work as i had managed to do in half a room or one room alone in Bombay. Despite that a few books gave me company. I gave myself away to this internal system in the hope that if they are making the effort to communicate with me, they might lead me to some truth about how i have been internally watched,broken up,used since childhood with whatever advanced technology. Instead they cut my life internally since childhood to continue to humiliate me and used all of my internal and external struggle to green light and make professional lives and careers for their own businesses based in Delhi and Bombay. I lived these 6 years in the hope that the savings of these 6 years that i have lived with myself in my parents house are with the internal system that i was opened up bare to, i do not know their identities,names or faces, it is upto them what meaning they wanted to give to the 6 years of being bare to them or what they want to reveal about using me.Its only towards the end of my 36th year that i opened myself up for a few months to strangers and chatroom spaces online since despite faceless communication into my brain, i felt isolated.

So Meanwhile the Indian system partied creating several professionals in various professional career fields that they promoted partying all the way.they partied creating television and radio broadcast professionals who they gave life and work and travel and financial experience to. They partied creating film and tv actor actress prostitutes whose lives and bodies were led and given flourishing careers and direction, lifestyles and life and travel experiences. They partied creating film and tv directors and assistant directors, writers and co-writers whose lives and careers were brought into various creative credited work perhaps using content,lives and struggles of other people cut open and added to their various flourishing paid careers. And they also created various indian political leaders brought into the working lives of various political parties of India. They partied creating several teachers and academic professionals promoted and paid and honoured. And of course they even partied creating theatre and drama artistes who perhaps were given parts with real direction to their lives, travel and life and human experiences.

With me at the end of age 36, I have lived with a face that was toyed with since childhood, kept away from its kashmiri identity and forced to live the misery and burden of other faces forced on to it for 3 decades now and then destroyed away in various ways as part of their real show of humiliating and destroying me. I neither have been give any real or meaningful direction of how to live life nor have i been made part of credited film or tv work. I have neither been brought into the booming professional broadcasting careers of India and the career party they enjoy nor have i ever been inducted for service to any political party.

I do not know how many people, eyes has my bare childhood and womanhood been exposed to internally through the internal system. I have never  lived a career utilizing my various struggles and efforts that i succeeded in within the Indian system. I have neither the financial independence that i deserved, to aspire to earn,save,give,invest with, despite consistent effort through my school and college years in India nor do i live a life of artistic,creative commerce.

I neither have the pleasures of marriage or motherhood nor do i have an independent life. Just the way the real girl that i was within, was suppressed all through childhood and wanted to reach out through media and communication to find answers, the real woman that i am has still not been channelised into an active working or lived life. At the end of 36 years i still have to make a career and life beginning which i have been denied of despite being used internally. At the end of year 36 I have neither travelled to Europe nor America or the Middle East, I have lived with access only of the world wide web.

 Despite a childhood struggle of never letting go of study time, my life has been mercilessly destroyed in India by Indians while their own Indian children of the hateful cities of Delhi and Bombay flourished just the way
the faces of their own children rode onto my face through technology while destroying away mine.

Yes, their have been 'makers' rather destroyers destroying me from being myself since childhood and for 3 decades now, who still have internal access into me by force and using their advanced technology to destroy my face especially and modify and toy with my brain and internals. And there is an external system of their hate that destroys me further. Together they destroyed my own personality and being as a Kashmiri and career aspirations of being from Delhi and Bombay and together they decided to destroy me instead of 'making' me. As those communicating into my brain now through technology reveal, They wanted to destroy my Muzzafarabadi Kashmiri face since beginning and force other non kashmiri faces onto it so that i am in misery of no recognition of my own self. They wanted to make me into a "Kinnar, aadamzaad,obese mass of flesh for them" and nothing but that to use me to market their own Indians with those faces and bodies, with no other realisation of my own personality or career or life aspiration, with the faces of indians forced on my face through technology instead of recognition of my own kashmiri face and then destroy my own face to destroy it physically with puss,spots,cum,pits, cuts and chemically induced facial hair who could be used as a transgendered male appearance and face for their repressed indian obviously non-kashmiri females with no life,being,personality,career,family of my own true self, destroying me instead of making me since birth, forcing their own indian appearances on me for their use instead of caring for me to be a fulfilled kashmiri woman unfortunately kept in India.  I have lived with misery these 36 years never told why these strange faces were appearing on my own face, like a predator,monster eating away at me from within.

Just as i lived in hostel rooms, half rooms and one room along with travelling in autos, buses, local trains i get used internally from within my delhi room. i still dont get invited to party with indians in delhi. i dont party with army parties or ias parties or the big indian television party they enjoy. i am sure they party with each other but none of these parties ever bothered to have any conversation with me the way they did with their partying tv professionals they pimped.

I at least deserve to know what are the systems through which my childhood was broken into and who all are the people and eyes that have had access to using me as a bare face,bare brain and bare body for 36 years now.

After all they have been watching me bare since childhood internally through technology and all through my struggle in Delhi and Mumbai and they have seen me be destroyed as a woman since childhood and obviously they must have only watched to be entertained and never care to stop or direct me from being destroyed, because they never wanted me to be 'made', they wanted me destroyed in every way, never bothering to converse with me or guide me.

I still have no real beginning to my life and career, i have been destroyed in several ways. Like my stolen computer data disk all of my life has been cut open in brain,thought, data and used away as free source material to greenlight several peoples lives and careers while destroying me away.
I don't want to have anything to do with any of the Indians who ever used me.

Trust nobody in India. Trust no indian army, trust no indian i. a. s. Trust no indian political party or politician. Trust no Indian educational institution business, trust no indian school or indian college. Trust no indian film or television or their makers or puppets even if they wear pakistani or foreign faces. Their propaganda and business is only to market nonkashmiri hindu votebanks in india and the world and they only market non kashmiri hindus via any other route they show - pakistan, foreign Europe or America, Kashmir or Indian muslims.

I have no trust with India and Indians now, 36 years of my life instead of being a fulfilling life and career experience has been just a bad experience in India. Yes, my face has been looted and destroyed since childhood and they looted away all my life of 36 years just like all the original written content generated by me in my computer data drive has been looted and used away as free source material, often creating published book titles and film titles and book and film content sold in other peoples name.I often spot books sold in other peoples names and film content made by other peoples name bearing the original content i created on my computer, in both Hindi and English.

My life and career aspirations have been strategically destroyed by India, Indians and Indian systems. All the potential for career and life within me has been left unutilised by the Indian system because power pimp show makers of India and their paid puppets wanted me to be destroyed away instead of me living life and work and to loot me of every aspiration in their Indian system to make careers and lives and businesses for their own misleading paid puppets. Still no beginning for me in life or work even at the end of year 36 while India continues to party.  They destroyed me strategically since childhood. I kept hoping year after year that some year i can begin living and working as my own personality and identity but the internal indian pimping game only wanted me used and destroyed away and year after year my own kashmiri identity was destroyed by indian power pimp systems looting me of every aspiration and puppeting their own misleading puppets in every field of work. Their Indian business was to mislead, waste and destroy me. My 'time', for life and career never began in India, they looted me of my life and career aspirations and by destroying my life and career they could market several careers of their own misleading puppets and pocket returns of fame, power, money and other businesses for their own pocket. The hindu given name to be pimped by hindu nonkashmiri political pimping business is just one part of their business. They have looted and destroyed me in many other ways

I stopped consuming Indian television in my teens, i have now stopped consuming indian film and indian film music.

The cities of Delhi and Bombay gave me no real lived career or life direction, their internal power pimping pimps destroyed me. While the city of Delhi tried to play clever with me by setting various traps for me, by misleading my childhood and keeping me indoors within a civil area, trying to exhaust me through school and college years and cleverly misleading me away from aspiring for a career in Indian broadcast journalism, the city did much worse to me when i reached here in 2012 and laid bare their real intentions of humiliating and harming me.

The city of Bombay, although provided fresh sea breeze exposed what a fun party all of India has been living through. The film directors of Bombay were so blind that they could only see the Indian grime on my face and couldn't see the technology which was being abused internally to force other faces on my face. They were so blind that they had no life direction from me, instead vision from my destroyed life and struggle was routinely added to their businesses to be sold as their credit. Now they have access to prostitute bodies from foreign countries to whom they write parts, maintain lifestyle for and fly on multiple foreign flights. But the primary business of Indian Bollywood remains providing work,lifestyle,money and foreign holidays to the cast at birth eggs born within film families with whom they run businesses. Bollywood therefore runs primarily on theft, stolen content, looted careers and lives while these businesses are run.

Both these cities eventually gave no realisation to my career or professional life or personal beginning to life and eventually these Indian cities and the power pimping systems that run them and have access to me internally and their system outside gave me a life of  hate,humiliation,mock,rape,abort,abuse.

At the end of year 36 i am still being used from within the confines of a delhi home room through a forced system using technology to force 'sleep'  forced drowsiness, forced dreams, forced communication in the brain, forced faces on my face and no beginning to my life or career. They continue to destroy me especially my face using internal technology as they did since innocent childhood. They force their own indian faces on me and continue to destroy me.

Indian power pimps have looted me of my life and career aspiration. They did not and still do not give me even the freedom to breathe in my own kashmiri face. My face, life, body brain is still used internally as a free show bare for them while they destroy me to market lives and careers for their non kashmiris.

They rape my face and try to destroy my kashmiri identity to use it to market their non kashmiri hindu votebanks.

Misleading my innocent childhood towards stage 'acting' since childhood was just a cleverly plotted trap to destroy me from professional careers and life and make my face,body available internally to be played with bare. Somewhere, an Indian pimp has 'control' over my face,brain,body through which they continued to rape my face all through destroyed life in Delhi and Bombay to rape me of my own kashmiri face and force the faces of indians on my face of their indian kinnars by raping my face away.  They gave me no life and career, no direction to life, they raped away my face both in Delhi and Bombay and destroyed my life in many more ways than that.

My life is destroyed away even before it can begin.